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Old 12-20-2011, 05:01 AM
Luna393 Luna393 is offline
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Default Unrequited love or unconsummated love

Hello Everyone!

So I started trying to ask some questions about this in introductions, but I guess I think I should bring it up in here so I can get more feedback and discussion. I am finding it therapeutic just typing these thoughts anyway.

I am not new to the idea of polyamory, just new to the practice of it. I am head over heals in love with my husband Mike and one lovely gentleman who I will call Artist. I am in a very open and strong dynamic friendship with Artist and have just recently breached the topic of polyamory. Natually, there are some immediate misconceptions with the word (swinger, casual sex, etc) that are absolutely fine for consenting adults, but I don't think really define polyamory or myself.

So I've cleared the air about what polyamory means to me: the ability to experience romantic love for more than one person. Artist states that he believes that he has this ability as well but that he doesn't believe that nonmanogamy work with his principals in life. So I have to respect the boundaries of a man I love, right? But was that a boundary? Would it be a breach of this boundary to attempt to discuss nonmanogamy further?

I haven't told him that I love him. I'm almost sure that he would describe his own feelings for me in the same way. Do I even need to state the obvious? If our friendship is to stay in this state of mutual love and enjoyment in a more platonic arena, would me sharing my not so platinic feelings for him be a breach of the friendship code? By him saying that he is able to love more than one person and his very loving friendship behavior is he also saying that more is possible between us?

If I knew for sure that there was no hope at all of us ever going to the next level I would abandon the idea. I am so happy to have such a beautiful friendship with someone so intelligent and stimulating. Should I just leave it at that?

I would appreciate any and all feedback! Thank you for reading this!
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Old 12-20-2011, 02:28 PM
Imagination Imagination is offline
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Did you talk with your husband about your ambitions, is he ok with it?

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Originally Posted by Luna393 View Post
So I've cleared the air about what polyamory means to me: the ability to experience romantic love for more than one person.
Very well said, that gets to the point. My experiences with friends who say they want to live monogamous is, that they mean it. However, every situation is different. I really don't want to give you an advice. For sure, it sounds like you have a very good friend.

In any way, I wish you good luck and every situation is there to learn. It's an art to appreciate everything that happens (I didn't quite learn it yet, but I'm on my way). Take your time, eventually what should be will take place.
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Old 12-20-2011, 02:37 PM
Luna393 Luna393 is offline
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Thank you for the reply, Imagination!

My husband is open and supportive. I keep him up to date on everything that I'm going through. He is a mono and I am feeling like there is a disconnect there to certain extent. I wish he understood how I feel, but he is supportive and nonjudgemental of even the things he doesn't get for himself.

Your advice to fully experience and appreciate each moment is very valuable here. I think if I think too much about my ambition to move Artist an my friendship's relationship to the next level that I may not fully appreciate what we have now.
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Old 12-20-2011, 02:52 PM
dingedheart dingedheart is offline
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So you had a disussion with artist about the concepts or theory of poly....was this in a bar talk kind of way?

It might not be something he'd go looking for but if it came knocking at his door, well that's another matter. Because you're married he may not see you that way.

I think if you want such a relationship you need to straight up tell him.
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Old 12-20-2011, 03:08 PM
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AnnabelMore AnnabelMore is offline
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Maybe let him sit with the idea for a month or two, them bring it up again. Sometimes people need time to mull over a new idea before it begins to seem less scary. Next time you bring it up, let him know that you're poly. Give him something new to sit with. If he comes around in his own time great, if he's still against it personally, let it be.
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Old 12-20-2011, 04:02 PM
Luna393 Luna393 is offline
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You know letting him sit with the idea first and then just come out with the whole, "I love you and I'm open to more than a platonic relationship." in a couple months sounds like a good idea. And yes, he knows specifically that I am poly, we just haven't discussed how that might manifest. I did clarify that I am not in to sex without having feelings for the person first. Sometimes I assume that people read in between the lines though when they may very well not.

You know it's funny that letting him mull it over piece by piece came up because I was trying to do that. When I brought the topic up before I was just trying to feel him out and then I waited a while and told him I was poly. What is baffling to me is that he identifies as being poly "in the strictest literal definition" in that he can love more than one person, but also reports that nonmanogamy isn't a good principal for him. How does that work?
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Old 12-20-2011, 08:30 PM
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SoCalExile SoCalExile is offline
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Quote:
Originally Posted by Luna393 View Post
Hello Everyone!
Artist states that he believes that he has this ability as well but that he doesn't believe that nonmanogamy work with his principals in life. So I have to respect the boundaries of a man I love, right? But was that a boundary? Would it be a breach of this boundary to attempt to discuss nonmanogamy further?
I'm unclear on this. Did you mean principals or principles? I'm not trying to be a spelling Nazi, just that the two have wildly different implication for any poly conversation with him.
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Old 12-20-2011, 08:38 PM
Luna393 Luna393 is offline
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SoCalExile, I think he meant principles as in personal principles that restrict one from behaving badly.

...I'm wondering what else it could mean?
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Old 12-20-2011, 08:56 PM
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SoCalExile SoCalExile is offline
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I was thinking "principals" as in "the principal people in his life" but I'm just some weirdo on the Internet who wasn't privy to the actual conversation and therefore am addressing this completely devoid of context and haven't had any coffee yet and WHERE did I put that sixth cup of spiked eggnog?

That's what I was thinking, anyway.
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Old 12-20-2011, 09:16 PM
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Castalia Castalia is offline
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I am in a similar position. I am in love with a good friend too(Mad Scientist). Mad Scientist and my partner (Gamerboy) have been friends since elementary school. All three of us have been hanging out regularly for two years now, and in that time, Mad Scientist and I have become good friends. It wasn't until early this year that Gamerboy pointed out that it seemed like a lot more than friendship, (we're both poly).
I am still trying, unsuccessfully, to deal with those feelings. Mad Scientist is aware that we're poly but I have yet to be forthcoming about my feelings for him. After an frustrating miscommunication on Friday, we talked and he said he didn't know he was allowed to see me as anything other than "one of the boys."
I didn't tell him I had feelings for him but did say that more was bothering me than I was letting on. The conversation probably left us both confused and with food for thought. Long story short, I can relate and if you want to talk about it, I'm here.
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