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  #1  
Old 12-16-2011, 07:32 PM
km34 km34 is offline
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Default My tendency to over-think things....

I have this awful habit of dwelling way too much on one situation instead of just going with it and seeing what happens. I over-think things CONSTANTLY. Luckily, my husband is very supportive and will listen to my rants until something triggers a decision/attitude that I am satisfied with. The problem? That attitude doesn't always stick around for long.... So I thought I would spare him the possibly useless discussion and post my rant here. Advice/comments are always welcome, but those of you who have read any of my previous posts know that my feelings when it comes to relationships can be VERY confusing and can change in an instant.

A bit of background: As I mentioned before, I am married. We were high school sweethearts and have been together for almost 7 years, married for about a year and a half. We have been involved in the swinging lifestyle off and on for just over 4 years. About a year ago we met a couple. F and M that we have consistently swapped/played with and she and I had gotten quite close. Recently F and I both decided we needed to be more open about our feelings and a more romantic relationship has ensued.

This is all VERY new. As in we had the discussion to officially be 'more than friends' less than a month ago. Since then, though, I can't stop thinking about whether or not this is really the best situation for me. I really care for F, and I think I could love her someday (if I don't already... My husband tells me that she and I have lovey eyes when we're together lol), but I am inherently a needy person. If I am in a relationship, I want to talk to that person EVERYDAY. I want to have at least one day a week where we get to spend time just the two of us. I get that weekly time, but she is married, has a full time job, and is Mom to a 2 year old so there are somedays she just doesn't seem to have time to send me a text or two let alone have a conversation with me. She is also terrible about not keeping her phone around and charged. I guess my problem is that I need constant assurance that a person cares about me which I know is a pain in the butt and not really fair to those I'm with. I've tried to explain this to her, but she just doesn't seem to understand that deep down I am emotionally stunted since I have always seemed to be more grounded than that.

Second problem that I have is that she doesn't see this relationship really progressing any further. She never wants to tell her family (she's afraid they'd disown her), she never wants to combine households, she never wants really change anything about our situation. She is perfectly happy with us caring deeply for one another, but never really sharing our lives. That's NEVER been what I've wanted. If I love someone, I want to see them everyday, I want them to be involved in my decisions and I want to be involved with theirs (i.e. Where to live, what to do this weekend, etc). Granted, I know that we will/would never be perfectly integrated since we are not involved with each others' husbands other than friendship and sexually, but I still think we could all make it work as an integrated household. I don't think my family would react well, but she and her husband have started coming to large family functions at my parents' house and I HATE having to censor my behaviors because she isn't comfortable being 'out.' I just don't feel like we have the same long-term goals for a relationship.

I would hate to end this relationship that really just got started because of this, but at the same time I don't want to let it go to far and then realize in another year that I am still feeling like I'm stuck in an in-between place (somewhere between close friends and committed lovers). Before this whole thing started, I'd always thought that my ideal romantic situation would be a triad between myself, my husband, and another woman. I really hate the idea of 'primary' and 'secondary' relationships and would really prefer a situation where all parties are equal. Right now there are so many complications due to the fact that it is a new relationship even if the feelings have been there for quite a while, the 2 married couples involved are swingers, and none of us have really been involved in a serious poly relationship. I just don't know what to do... Go with it and see how it plays out or bite the bullet and explain to her that I don't think this could ever be what I really want in life?
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Old 12-16-2011, 08:00 PM
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SourGirl SourGirl is offline
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This will be a completely experienced-related, piece of advice.


If she really feels that way, and you really are 'needy' and think its up to others to sooth that, then I cannot see this working out in the long run.

The question to ask before that decision, is if you can talk to her, and see if she can look at her past, and see if she has been the type to feel one way at the beginning of a relationship, and then evolve over time. Then see if she can apply that possibility to the situation with you.

if it is a case of her knowing herself real well, and history shows her, she is quite fine with things as is,....then you have some decisions to make.

It is not fun, or pretty to have opposite desires with such things, and I cant see it being worthwhile in the long run.

Good Luck.
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Old 12-16-2011, 10:48 PM
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AnnabelMore AnnabelMore is offline
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You call yourself "emotionally stunted", and maybe that was a joke, but if you're really not satisfied with the way you need other people, it's possible you could grow into a more sanguine person with a lot if hard work. Perhaps it would even bring other benefits into your life.

Do you think you could ever change? Have you tried in the past? It may be that you can't or don't want to, both of which would be valid, but one of the amazing things about relationships is that they can force us to evolve...
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Old 12-16-2011, 11:47 PM
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BigGuy BigGuy is offline
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You can't enter into relationships with the expectation that the other person will change. She's told you what she's comfortable with. The question you have to answer is if you think you could ever accept the level of intimacy she's willing to offer.

Take EVERYTHING else out of the equation (kids, husbands, families), if this were a new relationship you were starting, and this person told you they didn't want it to go any further, would you continue with the relationship, pining away for something deeper that may never happen?

Personally, I think you're setting yourself up for a long drawn out heartbreak, and in the long run it's healthier for you to cut your losses now.
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Old 12-17-2011, 04:29 AM
km34 km34 is offline
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I call myself emotionally stunted for one reason, really. I have a VERY hard time showing people how I really feel. My only complaint about my childhood is that my dad used to tell me to not be so emotional and I took it to heart. If I am feeling overly emotional, I have a tendency to go into a room by myself until I can calm down. I have been working on this, but it still takes a lot for me to be able to put myself 100% out there when it comes to emotion because of being judged for it in the past (and not just by my dad... but that is a-whole-nother story complaining about religious leaders not using common sense in sensitive situations).

As for being needy.. It goes away in time, it is really only an issue of me being sure of where I stand with a person. The problem here is that I have a hard time telling where exactly I'm rated. I understand her child is going to come first and that her relationship with her husband is going to take precedence, but if it is a choice between being with me and being with her extended family I have no idea how she would choose. The fact that she only seems to text/call when she has a specific question kind of makes me feel like I'm not that important. The only time we have an idle conversation that isn't face-to-face is when I initiate. Is this me being overly needy or is it fair to want to talk once in a while - besides the 2 times a week we see each other - without having something specific on the agenda (i.e. What time are we all meeting up this weekend? Do we need to bring anything to this party?)?

As for expecting her to change, I don't. I guess I just hope that after a while I will get over this habit of putting too much weight on what the future holds and be able to enjoy things while they last. I really don't expect my relationship with F to last forever. I don't think it can for all the reasons you've all pointed out. She and I want different things, my emotional baggage making it even more difficult. I just don't know how to go back now that we've taken this step. Is it possible to go back to how we started as just friends and playmates? Or even just friends? F and M are two of my best friends, and I know my husband feels the same way and I would hate for my inability to be satisfied with having the here and now to get in the way of that. BUT I know it's not fair to myself or to F for me to act completely happy with the current situation when I'm not.

I suppose it is time for me to yet again put my big girl panties on and have a heart to heart with F. Maybe this time I'll be able to avoid covering myself from head to toe in a blanket with only one eye peeping out (and no, that is not really an exaggeration...). I suppose if I keep bringing up my desire to be in contact more frequently she will either get the idea or decide I'm not worth the trouble.
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Old 12-17-2011, 05:25 AM
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AnnabelMore AnnabelMore is offline
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A couple of things to keep in mind.

If given the option, she may choose to see her extended family now but to see you without a second thought down the line. Relationships take time to develop, especially when someone already has so many other things on their plate.

Different people show caring in different ways. For some people, idle contact when there's nothing to say means nothing to them and may in fact just be annoying. The fact that she doesn't show caring in the exact way you want to receive it doesn't mean she doesn't care. I would say anyone who consistently makes alone time for you when she had a two year old is definitely showing you that she cares and that she prioritizes you.

If the contact issue really is that important to you she should be able to bend a little and try. Just understand that you may be speaking different languages here. I'm a very touch-oriented person and my gf likes her space when she's not being intimate with someone. It took her almost two years to begin to unlearn her habits and really understand my needs so she could give me those idle touches I was craving without feeling crowded.
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The major players. Me, 30ish bi female. Gia, girlfriend of 4+ years. Clay, boyfriend/dom. Davis, ex/friend/"it's complicated." Eddie, roommate & fwb.
The supporting cast. Eric, Gia's husband. Bee, Gia and Eric's toddler. Dexter, Gia's lover. Helen, Eric's lover. Izzy and Nikki, Clay's partners. Liam, Eddie's husband.
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