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Old 04-29-2009, 06:02 PM
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Lemondrop Lemondrop is offline
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Default What are the rules, please?

I'm here because I'm trying very hard to fit a monogamous mind into a polyamorous quad. A lot of my issues and questions are sexual in nature. I feel unsure that I can talk about this here--I wouldn't go into huge detail, but is that okay here? Or would that not be appropriate on this forum? Please and thank you.
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Old 04-29-2009, 06:47 PM
NeonKaos NeonKaos is offline
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If I had to sum it up in one sentence, it would be that "marriage" is not all about love, sex, and sharing a living space (and a NOT AT ALL about having children, at least to a lot of people - those who are married and do not have them and those who have them but are not married - but that is a topic for another forum I belong to).

(Longer than one sentence):

MY marriage really IS about the benefits that society allows to two people who share the contract on that piece of paper. My husband and I did not do that because of our "love" for one another. While we do HAVE this love, and sex, and sharing of a living space - the real reason we got married is so that he can speak up for me if something happens, although we have discovered other "perks" along the way such as insurance benefits, etc.

I don't know if this is the type of answer you wanted for your post, but for me it explains how I can still want to be married to my DH yet be able to have feelings for someone else that are normally reserved only for one SO at a time. The corollary to this is that just because I can have a personality chemistry and sexual attraction to ANOTHER person, doesn't mean that that person is suited to look out for my back on a daily, mundane basis. Nor is it necessary or appropriate to go and merge every aspect of two lives (financially, logistically, etc.) just to have a satisfying healthy relationship.

There are certain things I need (that are emotionally related to sex but not exclusively sexual) that my husband can't or won't give me, and it would not be fair to him to demand that he be someone he is not just to "satisfy" me. I guess it would go both ways and I like to think he would be man enough to tell me if the situation were reversed.

I'm stopping here because this really isn't all about ME, but I did appreciate the opportunity to put some of this down in writing for others to consider and to see what it looks like when i read it back to myself.
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Old 04-29-2009, 06:52 PM
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MonoVCPHG MonoVCPHG is offline
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Why are you trying so hard? I know I said I would be silent but once you mentioned fitting a monogamous mind into a quad I wondered what your driving force is. I am in a polyamorous relationship but am not polyamorous. As long as you are making this move because you "want to" that is the important thing.
Take care.
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Old 04-30-2009, 03:14 AM
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Lemondrop Lemondrop is offline
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Quote:
Originally Posted by MonoVCPHG View Post
Why are you trying so hard? I know I said I would be silent but once you mentioned fitting a monogamous mind into a quad I wondered what your driving force is. I am in a polyamorous relationship but am not polyamorous. As long as you are making this move because you "want to" that is the important thing.
Take care.
Because I'm in a quad and because I love them all. I want to have a relationship with all of them. But my background, my beliefs, my moral compass have all always pointed to monogamous. It's hard for me to understand the feelings I'm having now. Part of me says, "This feels right"; part of me says, "How can I even consider this? I'm going to lose everything". I want to be in this quad with these people, but I'm struggling to understand how everything works, and hoping to get good advice from people who have already been where I am now.
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Old 04-30-2009, 03:23 AM
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MonoVCPHG MonoVCPHG is offline
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I'm sure you will find the advice you need. I am also glad this is what you want. I am very passionate about people being true to themselves and not being pressured to meet the needs of someone else. I am also passionate about people being honest about what thier idea of polyamory is and understanding how it affects the people in thier lives. On that not I will turn this over to people who have experience in this. Glad you see the possible love and excitement this lovestyle can offer..I certainly am enjoying it immensely!!
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Old 04-30-2009, 04:21 AM
Quath Quath is offline
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Quote:
Originally Posted by Lemondrop View Post
Because I'm in a quad and because I love them all. I want to have a relationship with all of them. But my background, my beliefs, my moral compass have all always pointed to monogamous. It's hard for me to understand the feelings I'm having now. Part of me says, "This feels right"; part of me says, "How can I even consider this? I'm going to lose everything". I want to be in this quad with these people, but I'm struggling to understand how everything works, and hoping to get good advice from people who have already been where I am now.
Pretty much every advise I have heard on poly issues has always started with some idea on communication. And there is a lot of self-reflection going on as well. Figure out what you want and tell them. If you are open and honest with your feelings and desires, others will know what you want instead of guessing.

You can give as little or as much information as you are comfortable with. It is all about what kind of feedback you want. The more details you give, the more specific the feedback can be.

It is hard to unlearn values you were brought up with. But I think that we should question our cultural beliefs from time to time. I grew up in southern USA and there was a lot of racism and homophobia. I had to make myself feel comfortable questioning cultural beliefs.
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Old 05-03-2009, 02:55 AM
FreedomLover FreedomLover is offline
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Quote:
Originally Posted by Lemondrop View Post
Because I'm in a quad and because I love them all. I want to have a relationship with all of them. But my background, my beliefs, my moral compass have all always pointed to monogamous. It's hard for me to understand the feelings I'm having now. Part of me says, "This feels right"; part of me says, "How can I even consider this? I'm going to lose everything". I want to be in this quad with these people, but I'm struggling to understand how everything works, and hoping to get good advice from people who have already been where I am now.
You can't loose anything EVER if you are true to yourself. I get the feeling from your post, even tho you did not SAY it in words is the FEELINGS of faithfulness. This may sound a bit simplistic, but what about seeing the whole quad as the being that you want to be monogamous with? Looking at it as a family, you can still feel faithful to yourself AND the family, AND the individuals in it.

I hope this was clearer than mud. lol
Smiles
Ruth
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Old 05-03-2009, 03:06 AM
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River River is offline
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http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Polyfidelity
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Old 04-30-2009, 01:39 PM
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Quote:
Originally Posted by Lemondrop View Post
A lot of my issues and questions are sexual in nature. I feel unsure that I can talk about this here--I wouldn't go into huge detail, but is that okay here?
As a volunteer moderator I have access to the secret dark chambers that non-moderators do not. It was Olivier who created this site and who sets the basic rules, and this is what he says about what may and may not be said in here:

Moderation guidelines:

Maintaining an upbeat, sharing and loving community where people help, respect and care for each other.

Allowed:
- Explicit language, as long as it is used within the right context
- Cussing, as a manner of self expression
- Mentioning other polyamory sites and sharing useful sites/links

====

So, yes, you can talk about sex. You're pretty free here to do so as you wish. My own advice would be to talk about sex with us here in a way that you think to be respectful of others present and sensitive to the purpose of this site. Thanks!

I'll talk with Olivier about posting a more detailed dos and don'ts thingy for newcomers.

James
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  #10  
Old 04-30-2009, 02:01 PM
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Further moderator guidelines are:
- Insulting others
- Trolling (wikipedia definition): An Internet troll, or simply troll in Internet slang, is someone who posts controversial, inflammatory, irrelevant or off-topic messages in an online community, such as an online discussion forum or chat room, with the intention of provoking other users into an emotional response or to generally disrupt normal on-topic discussion.
- Any other inappropriate behavior (judge wisely)
So, no trolling or insulting others, folks! Fortunately, I've not seen any of that sort of thing in here. My "job" so far has consisted of zapping spam and banning spammers, which is real good fun!
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