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Old 12-09-2011, 03:24 AM
Laluna Laluna is offline
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just looking for advice on weather or not it seems feasable to attemt a poly relationship with my ex...

history: we have been together 3 years in a mono relationship, we have a 5yr old daughter, i recently broke up with him in search of more freedom and to prove my independance to myself. i love him and because of our daughter need to maintain a good relationship with him.

i am moving state to study and will be living 4 hours away. we have agreed to a poly relationship but he seems reluctant to talk about this and establish boundries. what i have got out of him is that, i can potentilly see other people if that is where my new life leads, but he needs to be eased into this and will require alot of preping. he is accepting of me having relationships with females but finds the thought of me being with another male very threatening. and i must not have any kind of relationship with any male he knows.

he says that if i have a relationship with someone eles, he will be hurt, and will do the same himself. i encourage him to for other relationships as i feel it will take the pressure off me abit and stop him pining over me, but he only seems to consider it as retaliation.

the other big issue is i HAVE been in love with another male for several years and he is a friend to both of us. for most of our relationship i put him out of my mind and refrained from seeing or speaking with him. then about 6 months ago my partner invited him around for the night. this spun me out completely as all the feelings i'd been trying to block out for years hit me full force. i was over come with guilt for what i was feeling, as we where in a mono relationship, and anger and sadness at being made to choose one over the other.

i told my parnter how i was feeling, that it hurt me to feel this way but that it wouldn't change anything about our relationship and that i wasn't leaving him. a few days later i went to see the ther boy to try and purge all my built up emotions by speaking with him about it. i thought if i had some sort of resolution it would help me from being overwhelmed by such feelings again.

i love both the men in my life but neither is suited to me as an ideal life partner, one offers stability and a child but worships me too much and is too possessive. the other is just a downward spiral of self loathing and depression. full of suicidal tendancies and a raging alcoholic and cheater.

i stuggle to see how someone who does not love them self could ever love me. i want to help him and spend time with him esspecially since i'm mmoving away, but i wont commit to someone this self abbusive.

unfortunatly my openess about my feelings has backfired, and the only way my daughters father can continue a relationship with me is if i do not see the other boy, unsupervised. i do not need to have a sexual relationship with him. but i would like to speak with him, alone and help him through his issues.

i've promised to tell my partner if i plan on seeing this boy again. but if i tell him, it will end everything we currently have. whilst my partner talks openly about planning to see this boy frequently.

my partner also admitted yesterday that throughout our relationship he has had feelings for other people, but would never concieve of telling me as it seems fruitless to him to risk hurting me when he's not going to act upon his feeling. i am incapable of that as it seems a deception to me. but it seems like he's saying i shouldn't have told him how i feel about the boy as i wasn't going to act upon it either.

i don't know if it's worth continuing this relationship as i don't know for sure if he can handle the poly thing or if he even wants to, or if he's just jumping at any chance to have me but will come to resent me for fbeing unable to give him everything he wants. he hates talking about this stuff as he veiws every dissagreement we have as an argument.
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Old 12-09-2011, 04:06 AM
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nycindie nycindie is offline
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If you already broke up, why does he get to dictate whom you can have relationships with? Did you split up or not?
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Old 12-09-2011, 05:40 AM
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SchrodingersCat SchrodingersCat is offline
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Quote:
Originally Posted by Laluna View Post
he says that if i have a relationship with someone eles, he will be hurt, and will do the same himself. i encourage him to for other relationships as i feel it will take the pressure off me abit and stop him pining over me, but he only seems to consider it as retaliation.

unfortunatly my openess about my feelings has backfired, and the only way my daughters father can continue a relationship with me is if i do not see the other boy, unsupervised. i do not need to have a sexual relationship with him. but i would like to speak with him, alone and help him through his issues.

my partner also admitted yesterday that throughout our relationship he has had feelings for other people, but would never concieve of telling me as it seems fruitless to him to risk hurting me when he's not going to act upon his feeling. i am incapable of that as it seems a deception to me. but it seems like he's saying i shouldn't have told him how i feel about the boy as i wasn't going to act upon it either.

i don't know if it's worth continuing this relationship as i don't know for sure if he can handle the poly thing or if he even wants to, or if he's just jumping at any chance to have me but will come to resent me for fbeing unable to give him everything he wants. he hates talking about this stuff as he veiws every dissagreement we have as an argument.
It doesn't sound like either relationship is healthy for you. That means they are also unhealthy for your child, who will be in that environment. Children see and understand far more than most grown-ups give them credit for.

Father: it sounds like he has the makings of a poly but was raised in a mono society and buys into all the propaganda associated therein. That he has had feelings for other people shows that he may be inherently poly. That he believes those feelings are only going to hurt you shows both his insecurity and his mono upbringing. Both insecurity and brainwashing can be remedied, but usually depend on the person wanting to change. It doesn't sound like he's ready and willing to do that, but I could be wrong. At any rate, he has to change himself, you cannot change him.

Other guy: I would stay away. I'm not sure why you thought telling him you had feelings for him would make those feelings go away. Usually that makes them "more real" and also allows the other person to feel safe returning those feelings. It may be too late to return to "just friends" and be in a position to help him through his issues. Also, does he want help? Is he working at recovering from alcoholism, self-abuse and self-hate? If not, then you will not be able to help him through his recovery. Again, this falls under "you can't change someone else."

Overall: My experience is that polyamory is never a "solution" to anything. If there are problems in any relationship, polyamory will magnify them and blow them out of proportion, rather than fix them. If your daughter's father is insecure and possessive, then polyamory will majorly amplify both of those characteristics. If the other guy is an alcoholic self-hater, then polyamory can lead him to drink more in order to "cope" with the jealous feelings that will arise.

Final thoughts: I agree that having a good relationship with the father of your child is important. That doesn't necessarily mean a romantic relationship, and often if the romance has gone sour, then the chances of having a healthy relationship are improved by letting go of the romance and focusing on the co-parenting role.
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Old 12-09-2011, 01:18 PM
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AnnabelMore AnnabelMore is offline
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Anyone who says they would form a new relationship in "retaliation" against you and who refuses to communicate cannot, in fact, "handle the poly thing". I think SC's suggestion to just co-parent but not date is a great one
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Old 12-10-2011, 06:35 PM
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redpepper redpepper is offline
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I don't get whether you have broken up or not too....

I'm going to assume that you are trying out poly to see if it works but from the other side, of having broken up and getting back together to try this out. I think I would just tell the dad of your baby that you will see the other man as you choose and if it is a struggle for him then he doesn't have to be with you any more as a partner and you would be willing to work out child custody. If you are broken up with him then you are free to do as you choose I think.

If you were still together then I would suggest going slowly, making sure that every step of the way the change from two to three is a tolerable in terms of adjustment and the pain and threat it can cause. Dating and partnering up with people one knows is actually a better idea in terms of feelings of being threatened for a male partner attempting to over come the concerns and threats of a partner falling in love with someone else. I know it seems more threatening, but actually knowing the person is really helpful as it takes the threat away. It does the reverse of what is expected.

Not know the person ones partner is with means an image of that person is built up in ones mind and often it is that image that is threatening, rather than the person themselves. Besides, its good policy, I think, to know ones metamours. Don't ask don't tell (DADT) policies in situations like yours usually destroy a relationship, rather than create a stronger one.
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