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Old 12-07-2011, 05:49 PM
km34 km34 is offline
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Default Swinging relationship turns poly?

I have acknowledged the fact that I am/could be poly for quite a while. The situation had never arisen where it actually affected my life, though. I'd never met the right people, I have only recently been associating in more liberal circles vs. the religious/conservative crowd that I was brought up in. My husband I began swinging four years ago, and now I have met a woman with whom I have a very deep connection but it seems like a very awkward situation to us all since none of us have ever had a poly relationship before or know how to handle it.

This is going to be long, and rambling, and I apologize in advance because I am going to include a brief history of our/my relationship with the couple. However, if you can make it through the situation and weigh in in any way whatsoever, I would so appreciate it!

Keith and I met this couple (I'm just going to refer to them as M and F instead of using real initials or anything...) about a year ago. We all hit it off immediately, we played on the second meeting and things have been great. These two are pretty much our closest friends besides family members that we are close to. The four of us were so content with what was going on that none of us have really searched for any new playmates in the last year. I would log onto Swing Lifestyle once in a while, M would too, but there was no serious effort at trying to meet new people.

A while back there was an issue because my sister and her husband started hanging out with all of us on a regular basis. I was fine with this but just could not transfer from the mindset of hanging out with family and friends to the mindset necessary for playtime. This kind of upset M, F completely understood and it was really a bonding point for F and me since she was being so supportive of how I was feeling. This was the first real situation where it became obvious that we weren't feeling like 'just friends' or 'just playmates' anymore.

Now it has been a few months since that happened. We all visited a club this past weekend. We all had a ton of fun, and Keith and I decided immediately we were going to go back. I assumed M and F would as well, but we wouldn't necessarily all go together EVERY TIME one couple decided to go. I informed F that Keith and I were planning on going back for New Year's, since I thought they were going to be out of town and we didn't want to drive home for the family thing. She gets very upset, and we end up having a very long discussion between the four of us last night about how our relationship (she and I) is not what it used to be and we need to address it to see what we want it to be.

I get to their house, and it is just me and F (and their 2 year old son, but he doesn't really play into this at all besides being an adorable and fun distraction when anyone gets overly emotional). I ask her what she wanted to talk about and she said she was having her first real jealousy issue. I was, to say the least, really surprised. Then she throws in the real shocker: It isn't over M, it is over me. She was not only upset that Keith and I were going to go to the club without them (not mad upset, more envious that they couldn't go), she was upset that I may play with another woman. In her mind, since we developed feelings for one another (undefined feelings still at this point) without meaning to and from a swinging relationship, she may be replaced by another woman that I swing with.

I'm so sorry for this novel, but the primary issue at this point is: How do she and I take steps to solidify this growing relationship without putting too many limitations on what we can do when playing with our spouses? If we are both uncomfortable with the other being with another woman, are other couples we may play with going to be disappointed and less likely to play with our men because we don't want girl-girl interaction - which tends to be a primary icebreaker in almost every encounter since the girls are almost always bi or curious? My worry is that no matter what, I will want to meet and know the people she is playing with (well, the girls. Men don't really matter lol). How do I become comfortable with saying "Yes, I love her, but I don't need to know the details of her sex life."?? My husband and I have an open relationship where either of us can play with anyone at any time as long as the other is informed if a relationship is going to form, but that has been 4 years in the making. Is it really fair to ask the men to completely change their relationship with us wives while we figure out what is going on between the two of us?

Any thoughts are appreciated... Once again. I'm sorry for the book!
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Old 12-08-2011, 06:42 AM
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Sure you can ask the men to slow down to adjust to this new and budding love. Why not? You can ask for anything... whether you get it or not is another thing, but if you state your case clearly and why its important then hopefully they will be up standing enough to do so. I think that would be a good idea between the two of you women anyway.

The thing I have noticed about envy/jealousy, is that if you try and just go about business as usual then it usually gets worse and becomes damaging even. Its better to get at the root cause (ie. fear, threats, insecurity) before hand. That way a lot of reassurance can be offered and trust can build that it will be okay and that there will not be an adjustment of connection and depth of your relationship, just some added fun for you both when you aren't together. Just like any new relationship, that trust needs time to build.

It might be best to put the swinging on hold for awhile, or at least create some very clear boundaries that indicate not doing certain things for awhile, so that trust can build and time can pass until things normalize a bit more.
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Old 12-08-2011, 06:43 AM
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p.s. do a tag search here for "jealousy" and see if something of use comes up in another thread.

Not sure why you started two threads on this but I merged them both.
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Last edited by redpepper; 12-08-2011 at 07:07 AM.
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Old 12-08-2011, 07:34 AM
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Quote:
Originally Posted by km34 View Post
My husband and I have an open relationship where either of us can play with anyone at any time as long as the other is informed if a relationship is going to form, but that has been 4 years in the making. Is it really fair to ask the men to completely change their relationship with us wives while we figure out what is going on between the two of us?
I'm a bit confused. The way I see it, you're not asking your husbands to completely change their relationship with you. Really, I don't see how discussion of boundaries between you and F regarding other women is any of your husbands' business anyway...

Sure, I understand that it will change things for them in regards to swinging possibilities, and they may be disappointed to hear that their wife no longer (or at the moment) wants to swing with other women. But you are within your rights to make that decision: just because both original couples have been swinging in the past doesn't obligate you to always be up for that. I don't think it matters whether it's because you just aren't interested in doing that anymore or because you want to build security in your relationship with F. In my mind it just doesn't concern the men in any way.

Now then, I see a difference in positions of your husband and hers, since yours can still have sex with others while hers can't if she no longer participates. If this is a big issue to him (which it may not be), perhaps it is time for them to begin negotiations towards a more open relationship. But that would be the case even if it was for some other reason she decided that she no longer (or for the time being) wants to take part in swinging. But if it's just temporary, and you and F feel that you just need time to build foundation before you engage in swinging (with other women), that may not be required. It depends on how she and her husband feel about that. And that's obviously an issue between the two them.
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Old 12-08-2011, 04:25 PM
km34 km34 is offline
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M does not play AT ALL unless F is present. His major turn on in those situations IS watching her with others (men and women, but preferably women). If they were open to playing separate, I would just ask F to come with my husband and I when we meet people and I would go with them when they do, but that isn't an option at this time.

I think you all have great perspective, and I've just been coming from it from an entirely new and inexperienced angle. I do see us all being able to return to 'normal' swinging activities once F and I are more comfortable with our relationship, I just hope her husband doesn't get too frustrated with the limitations in the meantime since I have no idea how long that will take. So far he is completely supportive and has actually been after me for months to be more open with her about what I'm feeling (apparently it is obvious to everyone but us when we look at each other lol), so I suppose I am worrying about something that may or may not even become an issue.

redpepper - I think I hit a wrong button at some point and it started two threads... I sorry and thank you for fixing it!
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Old 12-08-2011, 08:04 PM
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Really I don't think her husband has much choice at this point. If he objects he will be selfish and uncaring so he might as well get about concentrating on other stuff for a bit. One only has control of ones self and inflicting frustration and not empathizing would not be his best option. Empathizing with him and listening to that frustration might help him deal with it. Eventually he will have to deal with the fact that his wife is autonomous and independent. Things change and with that she might just want to be with you. It does happen sometimes and then again it can all turn around back again too.
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Old 12-07-2011, 11:51 PM
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I'm sort of confused by the issue here. Wanting to meet the women she becomes involved with seems like a very reasonable request, at least it's common in poly. And why do the men have to change anything about the way they do things? If these new issues of feelings, jealousy, and desire for communication are between you and her, can't you come up with guidelines that work for you both but that don't impinge on what your husbands can do?
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Old 12-08-2011, 12:11 AM
km34 km34 is offline
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The only reason my needing to meet the people she plays with feels like an issue is because swinging is a choice that she and her husband made. It has always been between them. My involvement would hinder when they would be able to meet people since my schedule would have to be considered as well. The same with my husband and me. If we decide to meet new people, we are going to be severely limited as to when we could do it since we would have to consider her schedule (which is more hectic than mine since she has a kid). Personally, I would be satisfied with not swinging at least for now especially since the 4 of us all play together so it's not like we're entirely cutting out the variety in the sex lives. My husband is also allowed to do things without me, while she and her husband only do things together so it is really her husband that would be limited the most by adding guidelines.
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Old 12-08-2011, 01:21 AM
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I think one of the possible problems is that swingers are accustomed to playing together; ie husband and wife all the time. So the girlfriend? is getting jealous, and the OP wants to know how she and the girlfriend? navigate boundary making that will not impede their swinging with their husbands, because they both will get jealous if each other swings with another female.
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Old 12-08-2011, 01:29 AM
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So, in this sort of scenario it wouldn't be cool for the couple to go to a party and for the guy to do stuff with other people and the wife to just watch?
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