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Old 12-27-2009, 05:11 AM
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Default If love is a need, how do you meet it?

I didn't want to hijack another thread. (I think that thread was actually spawned from yet another thread. This is one hot topic)...

I received a package of Non-Violent Communication books that were 70% off during Marshall Rosenberg's birthday. I am blissed out reading them all!

The books have me thinking.

NVC defines love as a need rather than a feeling. And like all needs, each person meets that need differently.

So, I've been searching myself to recognize just how I meet that need, when I do choose to have it met. (Sometimes I hide away and don't let on that I'm having needs, which is a whole other story)...

I feel loved when my partner is interested in hearing about the details of my day and when s/he shares the details of their day.

when... I am let in on important information, feelings, needs, desires of my partner's life.

when... my partner wants to keep in touch with me, misses me after we don't talk for a while.

when... my partner shares "spiritual" moments with me. This one is hard to define, but it's so important to me. Gazing at the stars and thinking for a moment about the possibilities of other worlds, other planes of existence... Or, stepping back for a moment and simply enjoying "presence". Or, focusing our intentions together and enjoying meditation together.

I am seeing how some of my needs in relationship are abstract, vague, not "doable". And very possibly not something I'll ever find in another person.

How do you meet your needs for love?
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Old 12-27-2009, 01:55 PM
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This is a wonderful question.

I believe that love is something you do. I feel most loved when my actions have fulfilled my lover's needs and she gazes back at me in appreciation. I also feel loved when I am being cared for in unexpected ways. Love, to me, is visceral. It is measured by blood moving quicker or slower; by tears; by kind actions. It can be as simple as doing the dishes or as complex as reaching out to a woman I have interest in outside our marriage and breaking the ice with a kind email.

I meet this need by giving love. And I don't just mean my SO. I mean my friends, strangers, the dogs. Anyone I feel a connection to. If my intentions are pure, love will return in kind. And lately, I've been getting a lot

You've heard the expression "you make your own luck", well, you also make your own love.
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Old 12-27-2009, 03:07 PM
GroundedSpirit GroundedSpirit is offline
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Quote:
Originally Posted by Catfish View Post
This is a wonderful question.

I believe that love is something you do. I feel most loved when my actions have fulfilled my lover's needs and she gazes back at me in appreciation. I also feel loved when I am being cared for in unexpected ways. Love, to me, is visceral. It is measured by blood moving quicker or slower; by tears; by kind actions. It can be as simple as doing the dishes or as complex as reaching out to a woman I have interest in outside our marriage and breaking the ice with a kind email.

I meet this need by giving love. And I don't just mean my SO. I mean my friends, strangers, the dogs. Anyone I feel a connection to. If my intentions are pure, love will return in kind. And lately, I've been getting a lot

You've heard the expression "you make your own luck", well, you also make your own love.
I guess I like & relate best to this type of thinking myself. To me - love has always been something I've "given". That's not to say that it wasn't reciprocated in many cases but it was never the intent or motivation behind the giving. And maybe like Catfish here, I can't say that I have any self defined "need" for love to flow my way. Is it nice ? Yes- sometimes. Would I classify it as a "need" - I don't think so.
I think that in so many cases (and I know I've said this before in other places), we get tangled up in the language we have available and muddy the waters. For myself personally I have a distinction between "love" and "connectedness". While it's vital to acknowledge the "connectedness" of all things AND to assume as much responsibility for our interactions with this greater whole as we're capable of, for myself it seems that love represents.....how can I say this....a "deeper involvement". More "giving" of myself maybe. This is hard to explain as it wants to stray into semantics. I can easily see where someone else might make the point that in fact there is no real point of differentiation. And depending on the accepted word definitions and the actions correspondingly evoked, I couldn't argue with that interpretation.
And this may be a result of my of self definition of the terms. In other words, from a philosophical perspective I can truly say that I have love for every living thing. But my ability to "express" this love through any meaningful action is considerably more limited. I (or anyone else) is not capable of single handedly healing all the wounds of the world. We have to pick and choose. We're not blessed with unlimited physical & emotional resources. And of course, the bigger dream is that these choices are rippled out into the world and become self perpetuating. And - at least for me - not reflected backwards on myself. I'm ok. Pass it on-not back.

GS
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Old 12-28-2009, 03:48 AM
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good question Roly, I would have to agree that to give love means it comes back to you.

We read the book "The five love languages" last year (http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Gary_Chapman_%28author%29). the book expresses that there are five ways to give and receive love and that sometimes it helps to know which way your partner prefers to feel loved. It also can help to know how you like to receive love also in order to ask for what you need.

For me it's "acts of service" that for the long haul makes me think I am loved. Of course "physical touch," "words of affirmation" and "quality time" are big too, "receiving gifts" was the last on my list... right before "quality time." (http://www.afo.net/hftw-lovetest.asp).

Food for thought anyway.... seeing as you are already reading...

P.S roly-so cool you met my husband on line!!!
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Old 12-28-2009, 04:52 AM
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Haha, yes, it took me a bit to connect the dots, but I met your hubby. I think it's my turn to email him... I look forward to being able to meet all of you at some point.

Thank you all three of you for bringing up another way that love is "met" - by giving. When 'R' and I first hooked up, I told him that what was true for me at the time, which was that I didn't need much from him, but needed the freedom to express my love. I have feelings for him that are very rare for me and feel very nervous about showering him with how much I feel.

I guess my need would be a sense of security to give as much love as I feel. The way I express love can sometimes be "loud" and I think this can be a lot for some people. Overwhelming? I wish this wasn't so.

Giving love is so much more fulfilling than receiving it. I honestly want to go around hugging everyone and connecting with them in a very "alive" way, which most people don't like, don't connect to, don't want, don't ??? I'm not sure.

GS, I like the distinction between love and connectedness. I could probably go the rest of my life without sex if I felt more connected to more people. (Ok, maybe). LOL

I often wonder if there is a connectedness need that I have - to spirit, to life - that I try to meet through relationships and don't succeed in doing this. I feel the most fulfilled, the most thrilled, the most in love when I share "spiritual" moments with a partner. But, I see so many couples around me that don't have that element in their relationships and wonder how they do it. It feels like something's lacking.
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Old 12-28-2009, 06:36 AM
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This is a big one for me. My hubby and I have been together for more than 13 years. We love each other and have so much trust and comfort with each other, which is why we have been able to persue polyamory. Now enter my bf into our V triad. To cut to the point, my bf is not comfortable saying those '3 little words' at this point. However, he is one of the most caring, thoughtful men I've ever met. I have no doubt how much he cares about me and I feel 'loved'. It's been the biggest struggle to accept that I don't get to hear those words from him, my brain get fixated on how much I want to hear them. I know that if given a choice between hearing the words or feeling loved, it's a no brainer which one I would pick. I love him, very much, but I'm cautious about how I express it because I don't want to pressure him. I would never want him to say "I love you" for any other reason than wanting to. Not guilt, or reflex, or obligation. But I truly do feel loved, every minute I spend with him is pure happiness. (Go NRE!)
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