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Old 12-26-2009, 03:04 PM
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ladyjools ladyjools is offline
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Default looking for some advice on how to handle my parents

I have always been openly Poly,
My Mum and Step Dad know that i have other partners and so does Montianboy. Everyone in my life knows that I am poly I refuse to make it a secret or something taboo.

I know that my Mum doesn't aprove of this lifestyle. It bothers her a lot and we end up often having the same debate over and over again, she does not let it drop. I try to answer all her questions openly and honestly, put any fears she has to rest. I've given her links to helpful rerources to help her understand polyamory. "I've explained it to her in the sense that this is how i am living my life i don't expect you to do the same but I want for you to accept that this is how we live"

She has never met any of my other partners before because none of them have been serious enough that i felt they where going to work out long term however that has changed. With R things are more serious, this is something we are wanting to become long term. In a few months he is moving in with us and i feel that this would be the right time for my family to meet him. He is, and is going to remain a big part of my life it feels natural that my Mum especally should at the very least meet him.

She has decided though that she won't meet him and infact would rather not aknowladge him at all except when debating the wrongs of polyamory with me

Long term i dont see this working,
im not sure how she is going to deal with him living here, she could easily run into him if she visits, or comes to pick me up. When i plan events around my life, Christmas day, birthdays etc I will be having him around because i am not going to exclude him for her benifit and it feels like she is going to end up cutting herself out of a large part of my life.

Im at the end of the road as far as explaining things to her in a way that doesn't frighten her or make her uncomfortable. I'm not sure where to go from here. Should i accept that she is not willing to meet him and just carry on living 2 seperate lifes?

sorry for ranting
Jools
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Old 12-26-2009, 04:54 PM
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Originally Posted by ladyjools View Post
I'm not sure where to go from here. Should i accept that she is not willing to meet him and just carry on living 2 seperate lifes?

sorry for ranting
Jools
You're not deciding this...your Mom is. Just be you and stay true to yourself Ladyjools. Some people will accept, others will not. It's more sad when one who does not is so close to you though. I have one sister who reaches out to Redpepper as a friend. My parents and other sister accept the relationship but don't really want to get to involved in it at the moment. I think that will change over time though.

Stay strong
Mono
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Old 12-26-2009, 07:41 PM
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Oh jools, I feel for you. I totally get this.

I have decided that they are not my priority any more. My immediate family is and as Mono is my immediate family now then he takes priority. I have told my brother this and his girlfriend and they objected highly. I am sure my parents would too, but I see no other way. If they are choosing to judge and not accept my life and my families life then they will not be invited to be involved. If they want to accept then their involvement will be welcomed.

As for them running into Mono, that's their problem. They have to deal with that. I had two birthdays, well four actually as a result of people around me not being able to accept each other... it made me sad on one account but I chose to look at it as a positive... I got more attention

Sometimes Mono is hear when they come over, unannounced (!). He is always around us... that is what we want and what he wants. It's their problem how they are with that.... I have decided not to invite them to formal gatherings he is at, we do them separately. It works better like that. In time it has gotten easier and works better for all of us all around. I know they have huge expectations of what we do and how we do it and I am trying REALLY hard to not get stressed out about the fact that I disappoint them. It's their problem, I see that, it doesn't make it easy though.... I hate disappointing anyone, ESPECIALLY my parents.

good luck my friend. I can image it would be MUCH harder having Mono live with us. I enjoy escaping to my Other Home (OH), where there is none of the bullshit... I miss him when he isn't here too though
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Old 12-26-2009, 08:21 PM
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I have decided that they are not my priority any more. My immediate family is and as Mono is my immediate family now then he takes priority.
This is exactly where I am at, my relationship with R is becoming now that he is more than just someone i am dating and he is becoming part of my family, so montianboy, and R will take priorty as they are my family unit,

Quote:
I had two birthdays, well four actually as a result of people around me not being able to accept each other... it made me sad on one account but I chose to look at it as a positive... I got more attention
Its good you can see the positive with this but also i agree it is sad. Its what i want to avoid i don't want to feel like im living 2 seperate lifes and it makes me even sadder to know that the people i care about will never know each other because they are all amazing people deep down, i might not always agree with my mum but id really like her to be a part of my life.

Quote:
I hate disappointing anyone, ESPECIALLY my parents.
I feel like i am one huge disapointment to my parents. What they would like is for me to be just like everyone else monogomous and normal but what they can't see is that I am happier this way.

Quote:
good luck my friend. I can image it would be MUCH harder having Mono live with us. I enjoy escaping to my Other Home (OH), where there is none of the bullshit... I miss him when he isn't here too though
There is a very pratical financial reason why he will be moving in with us, but also I am hoping we really can live together as one family and make it work,
there are no children involved and i am willing to take that risk.

After some thought,
I won't give her an ultimatum i don't think it would work and would perhaps just push her away. I am going refuse however to exclude R from any event in my life that he should be a part off and so when it comes to birthdays, christmas, celebrations he will be included and my parents can ethier choose to be a part of that as well or they can choose not to be. I don't think i will be aranging seperate events one for them and one for him because i know with my parents this will just encorage them to keep there heads burried in the sand even longer,

she rarley visits me at my house anyway, but when she comes to pick me up when we are going out etc I am not ever going to request that R stay out of the way because this will be his home too and he has every right to be comfortable here.

I feel like i am going to have some difficult times on my hands
she is going to crazy extreems saying that she thinks R must be some kind of predetor or criminal (due to him being 10 years older than me)

Jools

Last edited by NeonKaos; 12-26-2009 at 08:48 PM. Reason: quote formatting
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Old 12-27-2009, 10:26 AM
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I am glad you are looking after your own emotional needs and not acceding to your mother's disapproval. Its a pity she can't just 'agree to disagree'..after all you are an adult and have made adult choices,albeit outside the societal standard.

We all hate disappointing our families and right from when we were young we were all psychologically wired to please,but at some point we have to stand up and say "this is me,accept me as I am"..Mono is right,some will accept some won't,you just need the strength to accept that and still be able to live your life as you choose.

I wish you all the best and hope you can find peace with your mother's disapproval,I know that is something I am going to have to deal with at some point myself.
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Old 12-27-2009, 02:46 PM
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I am glad you are looking after your own emotional needs and not acceding to your mother's disapproval. Its a pity she can't just 'agree to disagree'..after all you are an adult and have made adult choices,albeit outside the societal standard.

We all hate disappointing our families and right from when we were young we were all psychologically wired to please,but at some point we have to stand up and say "this is me,accept me as I am"..Mono is right,some will accept some won't,you just need the strength to accept that and still be able to live your life as you choose.

I wish you all the best and hope you can find peace with your mother's disapproval,I know that is something I am going to have to deal with at some point myself.
thankyou for those words of encoragment, i think sometimes just hearing other people say that its ok to do what is best for me even if its dispaointing someone else is exactly what i need,
i am far to ready to please other people but with this i just can't give up my life and the men that i love they are too important to me to allow one persons disaproval affect the rest of my life.

I think anyone else and i tend not to give a dam
but this is my Mum and all I've ever really wanted is for her to be proud of me and love me, for me not the me she would like me to be!

We are currently still talking, she hasn't actually told me herself that she is going to refuse to meet R, she has only told montianboy. I am REALLY hoping she changes her mind. I had planned a birthday dinner for Feb and was going to invite her and my step dad, along with montianboy and R, i am going to go ahead with that plan and if she chooses not to come then that is her choice,

i really love my mum though, this hurts

Jools
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Old 12-28-2009, 03:45 AM
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Quote:
Originally Posted by ladyjools View Post
I feel like i am going to have some difficult times on my hands
she is going to crazy extreems saying that she thinks R must be some kind of predetor or criminal (due to him being 10 years older than me)
Oh Jools... do we have the same mother?! Mine thought Mono was a child molester and told our family doctor. We were directed to have our boy taken in for examination...

She sounds a lot like mine. DANGEROUS! be careful my friend. No kids is probably in your favor, but she can do other damage to his name (my mum didn't stop short of just the one thing. She said all kinds of nasty things to people about Mono!).

Does he really have to move in? Can he not move into a roommate situation? or on his own until the family settles? Geezuz, I'm scared for you. When parents start talking like that it's SCARY not to mention crazy. My mum got all kinds of crazy notions in her head.

I hate to sound paranoid, but as I was la-de-daing through my NRE thinking Mono could move in and wouldn't it be great to tell the world about how happy we are and all cozy familyish, she was losing it and our world ended up collapsing around us. It's taken months to sort out and still isn't entirely.

I'm just asking that you check that you aren't a bit NRE about the whole thing first. Sure it would be great to have all your guys together, but I just don't want to see it cost you your extended family as it did with me. Ya, we have a child, but Mono doesn't live with us.... kinda evens out, kinda...

anyway, perhaps I'm over reacting. If I am GREAT! If not though..... just check with yourself and go over what she is like in your head first and ask if this is the right time yet and what you maybe should do first.
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Old 12-30-2009, 12:21 AM
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Oh Jools... do we have the same mother?!
From reading some of your previous posts i think we might, lol
or at least if i did have a child i am pretty certian my own mother would do exactly the same.

Quote:
Does he really have to move in? Can he not move into a roommate situation? or on his own until the family settles? Geezuz, I'm scared for you. When parents start talking like that it's SCARY not to mention crazy. My mum got all kinds of crazy notions in her head.
he doesn't HAVE to move in, there are other options, if i had kids he would not be moving in now. There is still NRE, but i am also self aware enough to think things through and come to a desision based on more than just the NRE feelings. It is very practical for us because we need usually have a lodger and would be looking for a new one anyway, and he will be saving a lot of money to stay here with us than he currently has to pay to stay where he is at, and money is tight these days.

We are out as poly and have been for long time so its not new my mum has known im poly for least a couple of years its the same debate with her over and over again as far as everyone else friends, work of all 3 of us everyone knows we are poly and its fine, some people ask some stupid questions some say that they don't belive it can work but actually they can't do anything to hurt us,

but i do take ur concerns about him moving in seriously Redpepper because i am usually not the first to recomend people start living together, and its not something i take lightly at all. This is not something i view as only going to be romantic i expect a lot of challanges.

As for my Mum
i haven't spoken to her since christmas

Jools

Last edited by NeonKaos; 12-30-2009 at 03:18 PM. Reason: quote formatting
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  #9  
Old 12-27-2009, 07:55 PM
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Originally Posted by ladyjools View Post
Im at the end of the road as far as explaining things to her in a way that doesn't frighten her or make her uncomfortable. I'm not sure where to go from here. Should i accept that she is not willing to meet him and just carry on living 2 seperate lifes?

sorry for ranting
Jools
The bottom line is this-
No one person can control ANY other person. (period)

So yes you need to let her do what she feels she needs to do and if that means SHE chooses to limit HER involvement in her life-that is her choice and that is her right.

Should you pretend to be (or in this case NOT be) anything? No. Absolutely not, that would create a lie in you-a lie you are creating and sharing with her. That's not good for you or her or your relationships with ANYONE-because who can trust a liar?

I suggest calmly telling her (one LAST time) something along these lines,

"mom, I love you. I treasure our time together and want for you to be a major player in my adult life. I am always going to be your loving daughter. Your loving daughter chooses to share her love with more than one person. At this time in my life I am sharing my romantic life with Mountainboy and ____. I love you enough I am not willing to degrade our relationship by lying to you. Because I love myself and my beloveds I won't degrade myself or my relationships with them by lying ABOUT or to them either.
I respect your right to do what you see fit for yourself. Therefore I am going to give you time to decide how much of my life you are willing to be involved in, I'll be waiting when you are ready to be a part of my life again."

Then it's time for the proverbial step back.

If she comes to your house-and you normally kiss the guys goodbye before leaving-then you do so. If you normally cuddle on the couch with them, you do so. Etc.
I presume you wouldn't normally strip down and have sex with them with your parents standing there so don't. (that was just supposed to be a relax and smile once sentence by they way-not snarky!)

It's not easy-I won't lie to you. It's hard-ESPECIALLY when you love someone and treasure them in your life-to let them choose to distance themself. But the saying "if you love someone set them free....." is very true.

In order for your relationship (all of them really) to be real, true and whole, you must allow people the freedom to walk away if they so choose.
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Old 12-27-2009, 08:00 PM
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Just FYI-I hadn't read any of the posts but your first one Jools when I replied.
Now I have-and I stand by what I said.

I DO wish you the BEST and hope that at some point she can come to see that mature, rational adults recognize and accept that every single person is an individual FIRST and in their relationship SECOND (i.e. you are a person first and her daughter second).
That in and of itself leads them to understanding that they have NO right to control ANY OTHER PERSON in life and in fact, in trying are actually lying to themself by creating the illusion in their mind that it's even POSSIBLE-when truthfully it is not possible.

The more we fight to keep ourselves within the illusion of safety we've created in those little mental boxes, the more miserable we make ourselves.

(slight hijack- RP-tell your hubby I don't know if Maca will ever finish this book, but it's doing wonderful things in me).
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