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Old 12-01-2011, 04:09 PM
dingedheart dingedheart is offline
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Default When does poly get the blame?

I've read on several threads in which the relationship(s) collapse don't blame poly...or the problem wasn't poly it was bad communications, or the lies and dishonesty. In my own situation people have said similar things and I wouldn't argue it at all but it seems like when it works it gets the credit..."best thing that we ever did" ..."we are so so much closer now..... and I'm so much happier now and partner is happy that I'm happy ..its just a big ball of loving happiness ... its a win win win ".

And when it fails it was the bad communication skills, the dishonesty, the cheating, deep marital issue from years earlier that were never properly dealt with, Someone being inflexible, not willing to "do the work" .. to go to therapy and work on their issues with the new dynamic, etc, etc. The concept never blamed .

Or is this a case of everyone dies of heart failure.

Has anyone seen a situation in which they could blame poly for the break up of a relationship? I don't think I've seen that yet.
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Old 12-01-2011, 05:01 PM
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SNeacail SNeacail is offline
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Quote:
Originally Posted by dingedheart View Post
it seems like when it works it gets the credit..."best thing that we ever did" ..."we are so so much closer now..... and I'm so much happier now and partner is happy that I'm happy ..its just a big ball of loving happiness ... its a win win win ".
I wouldn't necessarily give poly the credit. As I see it, the statements above are likely due to the fact that the couple are BOTH putting in extra time and effort to make their relationship work. They are paying attention to each others needs and sensitivities, not just to get something in return, but because the relationship is worth it. The couple will talk/communicate more, make the effort to schedule more time together, make the effort to calm each others insecurities, etc.

Just as poly can be the "straw that breaks" a marriage, it can also be the catalyst for each partner to "make the extra effort".
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Old 12-01-2011, 05:08 PM
kamala kamala is offline
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My current boyfriend ended a relationship with his girlfriend of 4 years because he wanted to explore poly and she couldn't/wouldn't. They were good in most other respects, it really was the start of the poly idea that was the beginning of the end, and they both seem to think so...

But, I don't know. Do people ever blame monogamy as a concept when their relationship fails?

How do you separate out the concept from the people practicing it, or attempting to? I guess for them two you could say it was the poly concept to "blame" but really if you look closer, they had fundamentally different ideas about freedom, about obligation etc that probably would have manifested in some other way had he decided poly was something he didn't want.

I'm just thinking about it now... what would that even mean, blaming poly alone as some abstract concept? So, you try something new in your relationship, you love it or hate it, then essentially what happens next is actually all about communication, honesty etc. What else is there?

As far as I see it, relationships work when good people get together and commit to treating each other well. The details of how that's organized seem secondary, so I would imagine that blaming poly would also be a symptomatic thing.

Or, of course, life just goes on and relationships end
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Old 12-01-2011, 05:33 PM
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AnnabelMore AnnabelMore is offline
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Poly and mono are both ways of having loving relationships. For some people, the structure really is the problem because they're just not cut out to do it any other way, and that can cut in both directions. But even then, the problem is not the structure itself, the problem is the pitfalls of trying to get someone to accept something that just fundamentally clashes with how they find their happiness. Like if I absolutely cannot deal with my partner seeing anyone else and she absolutely cannot deal with only seeing me so we split up, is monogamy to blame? Is polyamory? No, we were just incompatible in that respect.

People lie and manipulate and make mistakes within both structures and, again, it's not the structures that are to blame. Poly can spur some people to become more honest and more happy and can spur others to become dysfunctional... and so can monogamy. It all depends on who you are. I put it all on the individuals involved to recognize what works for them.
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Old 12-01-2011, 07:36 PM
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I agree with what has been said before me. Looking at polyamory or monogamy as the problem misses the real issue.

The challenge is finding a way of relating and loving that is compatible with our needs, desires, etc. Incompatibilities exist and relationships end. Mistakes are made and relationships end. Those incmpatibilities or mistakes may rub up against the "expectations and understandings" of a particular form. But, are the forms themselves "to blame?" These things happen irrespective of relationship form.

The real issues are deeper.
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Old 12-02-2011, 08:28 AM
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neegoola neegoola is offline
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The real issues are deeper.
i agree and i see the same happening whenever the terms are straight or gay, not only mono or poly.

BTW blaming poly way of living IMO is like blaming nakedness for its existance.
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Old 12-02-2011, 03:03 PM
dingedheart dingedheart is offline
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The thought or question was born from comments written here many times. I guess to distill it further : the decision to try poly...similar to a standard monogamous marriage contract. It has been said here many times " I read this book and I think I'm poly and I need help in telling my spouse because I'm afraid it will end my marriage. Or the pursuit of this lifestyle will end my marriage. AND it has over and over. Is that just standard rollover or an additional stressor.


So if the converse happened. Two people who had been in numinous poly tangles and for whatever reason they find each other and "decide" to be monogamous FOREVER, its LOVE... marriage contract/vows blessings by the Pope. It was a beautiful affair but 5-7 yrs in it fails. Was it the communication ...lies. etc. etc
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