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Old 04-24-2009, 05:13 PM
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MonoVCPHG MonoVCPHG is offline
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Default Fears of loss in a Mono/Poly relationship

I recently posted a long article on my experience so far in engaging in a polyamorous relationship although I am monogamous. I promise this one will not be so long!!

I included the following statement which I spoke to my partner/girlfriend about after.
"Above all, never feel like the polyamorous person has any less to lose than you."

Yes, I will definitely feel a certain loss when she adds a new lover or sex partner..oddly enough, primarily if they are male, and I do apply different "labels" to different types of relations because it helps me mentally organize. (but that is another post!) I always tell myself she will find someone so I am better prepared whether it happens or not. Again this is a tool I use regardless if it is viewed as healthy or not.

I understand the ability to love and desire another person similarly without a reduction for others. I wouldn't be able to look at her husband without guilt if I did not. I entered this relationship with a complete knowledge of who was involved and in what way. I am the "new guy" in my mind. It is the unknown of another "new guy" that will be my challenge..one that I will face head on and with understanding but certainly not without difficulty. I know my weaknesses which will enable me to draw on her, her husband and my own internal strength to overcome them and grow. At least that is what I foresee happening.

Back to my point
I will first deal with loss in the relationship if/when she finds someone else.I will feel loss, most definitely at least for a while until I am again secure in her genuine love and continued desire for me. Will an aspect of our dynamic change? I could lie to myself and say I know it won't but that is not the path to a sustainment of this amazing relationship. Initially - for sure. Permanently..perhaps. She will feel it, see it. I am an open book and she knows when I withdrawal my energy while I process. Does that mean the intimacy of out relationship will end? Absolutely not, not unless I can't handle it. She will love and desire me the same, just like she does for her husband. She will probably love us both more...a concept I struggle with as well. We will grow and she will be happy which is paramount to me.

What if I find someone else? I am intimately monogamous. Not by choice, moral or social requirement. I am monogamous because it is my nature. I require a very specific connection to truly desire someone. My physical passion is directly proportionate to my level of connection and intimate love. I only feel that intimate love for one person at a time, which has been proven throughout my life. I don't want to intimately love more than one person although I would welcome a change in my nature if it meant my life would be easier in a polyamorous relationship. Yes, I would love to be polyamorous or even just have a much more casual approach to sex so I could be more at ease, better blend with the amazing people around, me and just have fun. Who knows..maybe in the future but that is not my reality for now...sadness.

If I form another intimate connection tomorrow it will be at the expense of the one I have right now. In giving intimacy I am all or nothing. Simple and plain. I would no longer be this amazing persons lover or even playmate. I would not be able to share that energy with another unless I take it away from her. She would continue to be my most trusted friend but I would deny her my passion and intimate love. Would this be a malicious act towards her? Absolutely not! Just as her taking on a new partner would not be a malicious act towards me. It would simply be accepting and acting on our fundamental natures. Denial of one's nature is a terrible road to travel as I have been there. Pain is always the result.

So who would lose more is a question of definites. I might experience a decrease of her intimate attention and perceive she loves me less..she would lose all of my intimate attention and although my love would still be immense it would be re-shaped..that is definite.


I said I would keep this short...I tried.

Last edited by MonoVCPHG; 04-27-2009 at 05:15 AM.
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Old 04-24-2009, 05:28 PM
CDarklock CDarklock is offline
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I would not be able to share that energy with another unless I take it away from her.
I find this a tremendous fallacy.

If you have children with a woman, do you love the woman less for loving the child? I don't think so. Been there, done that, I love her the more for it and I love the child with all my heart.

If you have another child, do you love your first child less for this one? I don't think so. Been there, done that, I love my wife and both my children with all my heart.

And now that I have a new lover in my life, someone I also love with all my heart, is it so hard to believe that I still love my wife and both my children with all my heart as well?

If so... what is the difference?
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Old 04-24-2009, 05:38 PM
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CDarklock - thanks for your comment and I totally respect your view. I have learned to accept that people view things much differently. You have to understand that this post is about me specifically and what goes through my mind and heart. Another monogamous person in the same situation might have a completely different outlook. I accept that as truth.

As an example, some people can aproach sex simply as a fun activity that can be very intense and energy filled. I certainly did until I tried it from that perspective. It didn't work for me..the key is it didn't work "for me".

Thanks again and take care.
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Old 04-24-2009, 05:50 PM
CDarklock CDarklock is offline
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You have to understand that this post is about me specifically and what goes through my mind and heart.
Yes, I do. I just don't understand why this is what goes through your mind and heart. Could you explain more?

After all, I also respect your view.
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Old 04-24-2009, 06:07 PM
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I'll have to spend some time processing why..as I don't know..it just does. I was married for 16 good years although a loss of connection did cause issues at times, so I definitely know I am intimately focussed on one person at a time. I'll have to think about this and, given more time, honour your question with a better answer.

Thanks again.
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Old 04-24-2009, 07:38 PM
CDarklock CDarklock is offline
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I definitely know I am intimately focussed on one person at a time.
Let me pass along a little trial I'm facing right now, which is pretty closely related.

I have never had to sit in the same room with more than one woman I loved with all my heart. Over the past two weeks, I've done that several times, and I don't know what the hell to do. I can only kiss one of them at a time. I can only hug one of them at a time. And, what with having only one penis... well, you get the idea.

I don't know how to be completely and totally devoted to two people in the same room. I'm at an absolute loss. How does that work? What should I do? I hear so many women say "he kissed her but he didn't kiss me" or "he kissed her better than he kissed me" - and that's frequently a prelude to "it didn't work and we broke up and I hate him".

I don't have any problem going into a room with one person and being completely involved with that person, not even thinking about anyone else. I can love several people with all my heart. I can have two children in the same room, and love them like a parent, and both of them know I love them with all my heart. But I just don't know how to do it with women. (Or with men, for that matter. It's not a sexual or intimate thing. I don't really know how to balance my friends, either.)

So maybe I'm thinking of your issue differently. Maybe we both have the same one. After all, I can only really kiss one woman at a time, right? So can you. Is that where you see the problem? Not the love and affection itself, but the actual demonstration of it?
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Old 05-12-2009, 01:35 AM
marianna marianna is offline
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i actually have a huge fear of loss...well..ok..in general - but particularly in this new quad relationship. While he and i have known each other for years - this is a way different interaction. And since i'm the newest on the scene, i feel the most "disposable" for lack of a better word. The person who's most likely to be let go of if time/energy/whatever becomes an issue. i think that is mostly likely related to my own inner issues, and i'm more than happy to take responsibility for those. And i'm learning to sit with my fear, because honestly and truly, that type of security cannot come from really anywhere outside of myself. And if that happens, at least i can say that i didn't sabotage anything. Just taking this a day at a time some days, but i'm still breathing .

mari
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Old 05-12-2009, 01:48 AM
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I guess the difference for me is my fear was generated from the unknown of possible other new Lovers that may replace me as the "new guy".

I was not afraid to be cast aside by those already involved. I would step aside if they asked me to or if I thought I was hurting Redpepper's primary relationship with her husband.

My happiness in our polyamorous relationship is dependant on the well being of Redpepper and her family as well as in the immense love and passion we have. If thier happiness required me to not being an intimate person in Redpepper's life, I would gracefully reshape and re-direct my love for her but still be a part of thier lives if they wanted. She would still be my most trusted friend. This is not an indication of a "lack" of love, but an indication of the overwhelming extent of love I have for her.

Security does indeed come from inside to a great extent. But always tell your partners what you are feeling. It is a process that most will experience. You are not alone
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Old 05-12-2009, 02:31 AM
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Security does indeed come from inside to a great extent. But always tell your partners what you are feeling.
Everything is inside our experience and our relationships for us. (I include here our relationship not only with other humans, but also everything else in existence.) Nothing is outside, ultimately. Security sought from within the mistaken projection of an ultimate 'outside' or 'inside' is probably doomed to failure. No one "out there" can provide us with security. And no absolute interior -- "in here" -- can be found. No one is really entirely "out there". We're all in here, in some sense. That is, we're all in this pattern of relating which is our world.

Last edited by River; 05-12-2009 at 02:34 AM.
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Old 05-12-2009, 02:33 AM
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MonoVCPHG MonoVCPHG is offline
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Nicely put my friend...nicely put.
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