Polyamory.com Forum  

Go Back   Polyamory.com Forum > Polyamory > Poly Relationships Corner

Notices

Reply
 
Thread Tools Display Modes
  #1  
Old 12-17-2009, 03:56 PM
glowinthedarkstars glowinthedarkstars is offline
Senior Member
 
Join Date: Nov 2009
Location: Somewhere under the rainbow
Posts: 156
Default Poly versus Sluttiness

For the first time I had sex with someone who I am not dating. I told him before we did anything that I would have to tell P about this and he said okay. I told P and while i was a little nervous P said "congrats hunny! isnt it nice being poly?" and the whole time im thinking...what I just did wasnt poly, it was just me being drunk, horny and a little slutty, yes I told P about it but still.

....Ps poly but flirts and makes out (or hooks up sometimes) with loads of girls....something i never have done untill this past night. When I did I felt no attachment with the guy I hooked up with, he didnt either, we both talked about it and were on the exact same page.

Now P keeps saying things like "you say that now...." as if i really have something between this guy and me... but i dont think there, there is anything there. he has been my friend for a while but im not interested in a relationship with him (plus the sex was less than spectacular...way less)

I think there is a difference between poly and slut. and P seems to confuse the two... but maybe im wrong?

whats your take?
__________________
Reply With Quote
  #2  
Old 12-17-2009, 04:03 PM
NeonKaos NeonKaos is offline
Custodian
 
Join Date: Apr 2009
Location: new england
Posts: 3,221
Default

Sounds like you had yourself some "casual" sex, nothing wrong with that! As long as you used protection and everyone was respectful of everyone else, you shouldn't worry that it "wasn't poly" just because you weren't in love with the guy. It's only "slutty" if you run around spreading your legs at the drop of a hat for whoever offers to buy you a drink or give you a ride home.
Reply With Quote
  #3  
Old 12-17-2009, 04:37 PM
glowinthedarkstars glowinthedarkstars is offline
Senior Member
 
Join Date: Nov 2009
Location: Somewhere under the rainbow
Posts: 156
Default

I think you are right. I am not worried that its not poly. I dont think there is anything wrong with what I did being that I was safe, communicative and my bf is okay with this. I still dont think casual sex is the same as being poly...
it makes me wonder if my bf thinks of causal sex as a perk of being poly. I see those two things as seperate. one can be poly and not engage in causal sex (i think) just like many mono minded people engange in casual sex. I kinda thought for it to be considered poly one would have to have a deeper connection at least. maybe i am just jumping to silly conclusions though. im still figuring all of this out!
__________________
Reply With Quote
  #4  
Old 12-17-2009, 04:46 PM
NeonKaos NeonKaos is offline
Custodian
 
Join Date: Apr 2009
Location: new england
Posts: 3,221
Default

You can let it become a "deeper connection" but there is no harm in enjoying something for what it is now. I would say that your situation would "be poly" if you were regularly seeing both of these guys in a "more than just friends" capacity. You can label it however you want, it is what it is, but I wouldn't yield to the negative connotations of the word "slut".

I just hope your boyfriend(s) treat you right.
Reply With Quote
  #5  
Old 12-17-2009, 05:10 PM
GroundedSpirit GroundedSpirit is offline
Senior Member
 
Join Date: Nov 2009
Location: New England USA
Posts: 1,231
Default Terminology

Hi Glow,

Yea - I think you're tangled up a bit in terminology and confused yourself. Your BF it might appear is as confused or more-so than you
Unfortunately the root term "poly" has been grabbed as a shortcut by all sorts of people and in some cases I'm going to say it's been adopted for convenience sake/justification. "Poly" meaning basically "multiple" that's an easy grab.
The "amour" got left off. The loving part. That's not as easy & convenient - ya think ? That means commitment. And lots more.
Let's face it. In the early days, when you are just starting dating etc, just experimenting with your sexuality, there's lots of "poly" happening and not a lot of "amour" That's perfectly fine. Just don't confuse the reality. At some point some people come face-to-face with a situation where the "poly-amour" jumps up and confronts you. Sex may or may not even be part of it ! But regardless, because of this culture, it's often viewed as a threat. Something hard & difficult. Something to be avoided.
Some of us view it differently. Some chose to embrace & celebrate it. You'll know in your heart what feels "right" when the time comes. But at least you have the advantage of a head start because you've discovered it prior to it happening and slapping you in the head unexpectedly. If you keep asking & learning you'll be better prepared when the time comes.

GS
Reply With Quote
  #6  
Old 12-17-2009, 07:10 PM
dakid dakid is offline
Senior Member
 
Join Date: Jun 2009
Posts: 191
Default

i am a bit bewildered by this post, i use the word slut as a positive thing so can't really connect with the fear of being one. i am one and am proud to be (because i am proud of who i am as a whole, of which that is part).

have you heard of the book "the ethical slut"? i have identified as a slut since i was fifteen but finding that book when i was 30 felt like coming home. one can certainly be a poly slut, i suppose one can also be poly without being a slut if you want.

seems like the problem is that you define casual sex/one night stands as markedly different to other contexts in which you do or might have sex/connect intimately with someone - and your partner doesn't.

maybe you need to explain and clarify to P that this was just casual sex and what that means for you so that he stops saying the things/making the assumptions you describe in your post?

Last edited by dakid; 03-15-2010 at 09:56 PM.
Reply With Quote
  #7  
Old 12-17-2009, 09:41 PM
glowinthedarkstars glowinthedarkstars is offline
Senior Member
 
Join Date: Nov 2009
Location: Somewhere under the rainbow
Posts: 156
Default

Quote:
Originally Posted by GroundedSpirit View Post
Hi Glow,

Yea - I think you're tangled up a bit in terminology and confused yourself. Your BF it might appear is as confused or more-so than you
Unfortunately the root term "poly" has been grabbed as a shortcut by all sorts of people and in some cases I'm going to say it's been adopted for convenience sake/justification. "Poly" meaning basically "multiple" that's an easy grab.
The "amour" got left off. The loving part. That's not as easy & convenient - ya think ? That means commitment. And lots more.
Let's face it. In the early days, when you are just starting dating etc, just experimenting with your sexuality, there's lots of "poly" happening and not a lot of "amour" That's perfectly fine. Just don't confuse the reality. At some point some people come face-to-face with a situation where the "poly-amour" jumps up and confronts you. Sex may or may not even be part of it ! But regardless, because of this culture, it's often viewed as a threat. Something hard & difficult. Something to be avoided.
Some of us view it differently. Some chose to embrace & celebrate it. You'll know in your heart what feels "right" when the time comes. But at least you have the advantage of a head start because you've discovered it prior to it happening and slapping you in the head unexpectedly. If you keep asking & learning you'll be better prepared when the time comes.

GS

so so so true thanks for the insight. I dont view slut to be negative by any means it is just something that I have never experienced my self. I dont think its to be avoided exactly, but from a personal standpoint....for example going out to meet with a group of people I dont know is kind of scary to me, and mildly threatening even because of my anxiety. I know there is nothing wrong with it, and people do it every day, most people are proud of thier social skills. others might consider someone who is super confident and socialiable to be "cocky". Same thing...i think... maybe?
okay im really not all too sure.
__________________
Reply With Quote
  #8  
Old 12-17-2009, 10:00 PM
glowinthedarkstars glowinthedarkstars is offline
Senior Member
 
Join Date: Nov 2009
Location: Somewhere under the rainbow
Posts: 156
Default

I think the amour part of poly is what makes polyamory different from just 'fucking around'.
__________________
Reply With Quote
  #9  
Old 12-17-2009, 07:46 PM
AutumnalTone AutumnalTone is offline
Senior Member
 
Join Date: Jan 2009
Location: Kansas City Metro
Posts: 2,186
Default

Quote:
Originally Posted by glowinthedarkstars View Post
I think there is a difference between poly and slut. and P seems to confuse the two... but maybe im wrong?

whats your take?
See my sig.
__________________
When speaking of various forms of non-monogamy...it ain't poly if you're just fucking around.

While polyamory, open relationships, and swinging are all distinctly different approaches to non-monogamy, they are not mutually exlusive. Folks can, and some do, engage in more than one of them at a time--and it's all good.
Reply With Quote
  #10  
Old 12-17-2009, 07:50 PM
MonoVCPHG's Avatar
MonoVCPHG MonoVCPHG is offline
Senior Member
 
Join Date: Apr 2009
Location: In Redpepper's heart
Posts: 4,742
Default

Quote:
Originally Posted by SeventhCrow View Post
See my sig.
short, sweet and perfectly put.
__________________

Playing the Game of Life with Monopoly rules.
Monogamy might just be in my genes

Poly Events All Over
Reply With Quote
Reply

Tags
casual sex, definitions, one night stands, sex

Thread Tools
Display Modes

Posting Rules
You may not post new threads
You may not post replies
You may not post attachments
You may not edit your posts

BB code is On
Smilies are On
[IMG] code is On
HTML code is Off

Forum Jump


All times are GMT. The time now is 02:54 PM.