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Old 11-23-2011, 01:48 AM
cagedbutterfly cagedbutterfly is offline
Join Date: Nov 2011
Location: Outter Space
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Default Everyone has a story.. This is mine

Where do I begin?

I discovered at a very young age that I was attracted strongly to girls.
I never at all gravitated towards the male gender and I was told that I was some what of a "man hater" through-out my adolscent years and into early adulthood

In some ways I was attracted to men, but found the need to supress that in order to please my female partners. I was a "lesbian" but being somewhat lipstick and carrying a handbag always seemed to be mocked by the crowd I was in. So even thinking outwardly that I was bi-sexual was something that just couldn't be dealt with.

In 2006 my mother died of cancer, I went through a very hard time struggling with depression and anixety. I delt with this largely on my own but also eventually sort treatment from my doctor and with the help of a pyschologist I was able to get back onto my feet.

On 30/01/08 I was having an ordinarly crappy day at work, I was sick and spent most of my lunch break sleeping in my car. Unfortauntly working for a company that was heavily based around sales and customer service.. I was told that in order to be considered for any promotions in the future.. I would have to attend a work function later that night and a dinner with all of our sales reps.

I had never met most of these guys, they seemed nice enough but again being a "lesbian" I wasn't really interested in them. Later in the afternoon I noticed a guy walk in.. full shirt and tie, looking very nice. 5 minutes later I saw that he'd removed his tie, and had his shirt unbuttoned exposing his chest hair.
I turned back and thought to myself "what a wanker" then he turned around and I saw his bum and thought "damn nice ass"

I was surprised because although I admired the male form, I didn't look at men and think "yeah i'd tap that" because I didnt want to!!!

So I went home and perked myself up and then headed to the dinner.
I got stuck on a table with people who didn't like me very much, I was much much younger and I am known to be out there and opinionated!

My only escape was my nasty smoking habit. So standing outside this restaurant I was just about to light my smoke when infront of me pops "R" also known as the guy with the nice butt from earlier in the day.

I was generally suspcious of goodlooking people being nice, honestly I blame my age then (20) but I said sure and I expected him to light his smoke and be on his way. Well he stayed and for once in my life, meeting a strange man I had an open and easy conversation.
When it ended I thought to myself "gee he's a nice guy, thats suprising"

Over the next few weeks and then months I found myself wanting to talk to him more and more. I would answer calls in my customer service job (even though it wasn't my responsibility) just to get to talk to him and after a few months we exchanged emails and personal phone numbers.

R always had a "housemate" who from better judgement, I knew was his girlfriend or partner. Weither or not he could admit it to himself if someone lives in your house, cooks your dinner, washes your clothes and supports you.
Thats your girlfriend!!!

Our friendship progressed nicely and we began to share details of our current lives, and our past history.

R was taken, and generally quite emotionally unavailable. I knew he had feelings for me and I for him, but I had no intention of actioning anything and neither did he. All though we talked about "what ifs" there was no planning and I didn't encourage him to leave his partner, and I wasn't negative about their relationship.

18 months later R's partner left him when he had gone away for a few days for work. He was depressed and in a downward spiral after this happened. He didn't want to accept this relationship was over, and he didnt want to except.. that it was his fault. I wont go into details because that is their story and not mine.

At the same time, I was not in a great place.. I had struggled with depression again on and off. I worried that R would end his life, or drink himself into a place he couldn't come out of. He was being extremely negative and self distructive and it was something I couldn't handle. So I walked away.

For 5 months, I avoided contract with him at work completely to both of our detriments because we did good things together.

At the same time I continued a friendship with someone who was close to him so I knew he was doing better and that made me happy.

In Feb of 2010 I started to get into a better place and I decided I would be ready to talk to R again. I was worried what we once had,which was an amazing working dynamic and friendship would be gone.
To my suprise when we started talking again, it was like nothing had happened.

In the same week we started talking again, R met W and they started to build a relationship. I will not excuse what R did during this time, and the 12 months following because I still don't agree with it.

R & W relationship continued to foster. I was always aware of her exisistance in his life and knew that they had a relationship. R has never had an exclusive relationship with anyone besides his wife, and the mother of his 2 kids and that was many years before.

I assumed and rightly so that there relationship was not 100 % serious and that she was aware that I held a place in his heart.

In June of 2010 after months of back and forth and decisions and deciding..

R decided to fly down to see me. It was only a 24 hour trip but it was amazing. I will say honestly even looking back it was still one of the best days of my life.

My relationship with R continued to grow but for me it was nothing on a serious basis.. I knew about W and I knew that also there would be other women in the picture...

We did spend time togerther and although the trips were not close together, I didn't suspect that this had anything other to do with that he was busy. I loved him, and he loved me and we were enjoying each other and not looking to far into the future.

In Feb of 2011 R resigned from the company we worked at.
The next day he was down and I talked to him for almost an hour on the phone.

R's interest in me outside of work hours was then questioned by W who was there at the time. R then proceeded to confess to W not only that we'd slept together but that he was in love with me.

This didn't go down well to say the least. I don't blame W for being upset at all, R used the defensive of "we never discussed the boundaries of our relationship so it wasn't cheating" Call it what you will, I felt like a damn whore.

W left but was back within 24 hours and wanting to try and make it work.
I guess she underestimated our connection and thought we could end but all these months later I am sitting in the office next to him.

Our poly relationship then began. R and I realised that we didn't want to give up on what we had, and that we wanted to see what it could be.
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Old 11-23-2011, 03:04 AM
cagedbutterfly cagedbutterfly is offline
Join Date: Nov 2011
Location: Outter Space
Posts: 30
Default Scheduling conflicts

So I will interup my talk about where it began to talk about where we are right now with a few things.

R is going to China in a few weeks, for 2 weeks. He will then be back towards for the last working week before Christmas. He then has to have some surgery and then its basically Christmas.

A few months ago R and I had discussed Christmas Vs Newyear debate.
I didn't assume anything but R told me that we would spend this New Years Eve together. Last Christmas and NYE was spent with W and then on the first he drove 6 hours to spend his remaining holidays with me and some friends.

We planned to go to my home town on the 30th or even on the 31st and then we would be togerther up until the Friday the 6th. Which is 8 solid days together.

Christmas isn't a big deal to me since my mum died and I don't intend to fly home so I may see R & W on Christmas if that pans out (But i'm not banking on it)

So basically because R & I had 8 days or nights together I counted backwards and that meant that W was with him from the 22nd to the 29th which is 8 days. Same as me. This works out well for them, as they are planning to go down to see her family and then have a few lazy days together.

Today R came to me and said W had made a proposal.

She still gets her 8 solid days and nights with him, and I get 6.
Now it may only seem like 2 days, but its still 2 days.

She then suggests we spend the remaining 4 nights together. Which means "THEY" spend the remaining 4 nights together because when they are together. They get to sleep together because that is what SHE is comfortable with.

I am behond annoyed right now, and I off the cuff told him no.

I also found out that if we don't plan on going to my home town, then we basically have to spend NYE with W because she is going to be at the place we were going to be!


I am trying to breathe but the more I think about it the mader I get.

I will under NO cicurmstances spend NYE with W, it would cause too many issues and too much pain. I would have to pretend that he wasn't my partner because we'd all be out in an environment that just wouldn't support that.
She can't stand us kissing, and that first NYE kiss with the person you love, thats special and I haven't had some one to kiss in so long and I was looking forward to that time together.

If I am at all to consider spending those 4 days together. 2 of those days, R will be in bed with me for the night and W can sleep on the bunk bed. Why? Because I am not going to be pushed into spending less time with my partner, so you can spend more time with yours!

That doesn't make any sense and its not something you can accept.

She then suggested that we come back to
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Old 11-23-2011, 11:40 PM
cagedbutterfly cagedbutterfly is offline
Join Date: Nov 2011
Location: Outter Space
Posts: 30

So today is a bad day.

Last night R, W and I all ended up at our place.
It just worked out better that way logistically.
I made dinner and we all ate and watched tv, W did the dishes.
R made a comment about how he wishes we could all live together.

He was grumpy and I am going to assume its some kind of guilt.
He ended up falling asleep on the couch and then doing to bed with W at 3am. Needless to say he is not very well this morning.

Today I am finding it hard to deal with what I assume was the premeditated act of him cheating on us.
W made a comment last night when just her and I were talking about him having no self control. He has self control, he just doesn't know what boundaries are.
I tell myself that I can deal with this, and that its just one slip.
But truely its not, he was always going to slip. I am angry it happened. I am angry it was SO soon. I am angry that despite all the sex I have with him it wasn't enough.

He got a new phone and I was loading all his contacts into it.
I checked the messages because really he shouldnt he hiding anything right?

Of course he was, of course I found messages he'd sent to his ex.
I feel sick, I want to confront him but how do I explain in order to know he breached my trust, that I breached his.

Maybe I am not right for this.
Maybe hes not right for me.

It doesn't seem this way.
He thought he wouldn't get caught.
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Old 11-24-2011, 04:01 AM
AnnabelMore's Avatar
AnnabelMore AnnabelMore is offline
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Join Date: Dec 2010
Posts: 2,285

As an uninvolved outside observer? He's a selfish, self-involved guy masquerading as a caring guy. This is, I think, why some older men seek out younger women -- because inexperience makes it harder to spot the unaddressed personality flaws hiding under the mask. Harsh, yes, but not moreso than he deserves. He wants whatever he wants and he'll say whatever he needs to in order to get it. If you value your own mental health and happiness above all else, leave. If you feel the need to give this relationship another try, have him read everything posted here and then give him a chance to show you how he's amending his ways, starting with telling W about his infidelity.

Btw, your post from 10pm yesterday seems to have been cut off mid-sentence?
Me, 30ish bi female, been doing solo poly for roughly 5 years. Gia, Clay, and Pike, my partners. Davis, ex/friend/"it's complicated." Eric, Gia's husband. Bee, Gia and Eric's toddler.
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Old 11-24-2011, 04:37 AM
cagedbutterfly cagedbutterfly is offline
Join Date: Nov 2011
Location: Outter Space
Posts: 30

Annabel its easy to say that he was hiding behind a mask.
But the truth it, I knew everything before I moved here.
I knew all the character flaws, his weaknesses, lies and mistakes.

I knew it all but somehow I think being young prevented me from understanding that these are not things that are easy to overcome.
Thats not my defensive of him by the way, he doesn't deserve defence..

It's just me asking myself why I chose to move when I knew the risks, because they were large.

I am going to talk to him tonight about possibly going on a break until I can work out what I want.

The fact of the matter is, I don't trust him and I wont until he can prove that he is trustworthy I don't think I can continue to live like this.
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Old 11-24-2011, 09:07 AM
SchrodingersCat's Avatar
SchrodingersCat SchrodingersCat is offline
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Join Date: Feb 2010
Location: Saskatchewan
Posts: 2,401

Originally Posted by caragh87 View Post
The fact of the matter is, I don't trust him and I wont until he can prove that he is trustworthy I don't think I can continue to live like this.
Something a lot of people don't realize... if he's not already worthy of trust, then he can never prove himself to be trustworthy. Generally, people with these tendencies don't change unless some outside catalyst forces them to, such as being left by a close partner or the sudden accidental death of a close friend. In his case, it's unlikely that he will spontaneously learn from his lifetime of mistakes and wake-up a changed person.
As I am sure any cat owner will be able to tell you,
someone else putting you in a box is entirely different
from getting into a box yourself.
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Old 11-28-2011, 12:30 AM
cagedbutterfly cagedbutterfly is offline
Join Date: Nov 2011
Location: Outter Space
Posts: 30

I don't feel at all loved or wanted.

I feel like when R left last night and was angry at me for not acknowledging W's feelings and what she was saying.. that he chose her.

He chose to leave me in the state I was in.. hurt.. confused... angry.. drunk..

But then he begs me to stay?
He begs me to stay?

I don't understand.

I feel so numb, He asks me if I love him and when I hesitate he gets upset.

Maybe he just wants to be loved, wants to be needed.
Maybe this isn't about being monogamous or poly, its about being wanted and needed above all else. Its not about the sex, or the connection or the emotion.
Its about his inability to be alone. His inability to accept responsibility.
He just wants to be wanted.
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Old 11-28-2011, 04:43 AM
AnnabelMore's Avatar
AnnabelMore AnnabelMore is offline
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Join Date: Dec 2010
Posts: 2,285

It really, really sucks to have your image of who someone is -- or at least who you thought they could be -- proven false. I'm sorry. Sometimes you can care for someone very much but realize they're not in a healthy enough place for you to be in a relationship with them. Take care of yourself right now, you will be ok.
Me, 30ish bi female, been doing solo poly for roughly 5 years. Gia, Clay, and Pike, my partners. Davis, ex/friend/"it's complicated." Eric, Gia's husband. Bee, Gia and Eric's toddler.
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Old 11-29-2011, 08:13 AM
cagedbutterfly cagedbutterfly is offline
Join Date: Nov 2011
Location: Outter Space
Posts: 30

So today was a better day I guess.

R came to work and had a full/productive day. He is still there at the moment.
I know he goes to China for 2 weeks next monday so I do know that he is busy and not avoiding spending time with me.

He wants to come to an information evening at a school I want to go to tomorrow night so that is a good thing.

He and W want to sit down and talk some more about things before he goes away. I don't know how open I am about this. I know that I am at a point where I will not compromise on NYE or the holidays after then.
This time is important to me, and to the success of our relationship.

Going on holidays is not a luxury afforded to me, and they have taken LONG holidays together before, and they will again this year. For me this isn't really an option.

Its hard in my head counting down the hours I will get to see him until the new year, because I literally can count them. And there are not alot. I think its 5 days so that says a lot I guess.

With how the weekend situation has been going we were meant to be spending Saturday together but that hasn't worked out.
R has a family christmas gathering on Saturday. R invited me and said that we could go together (as Saturday was our day) and then W would join us there if she was free and then leave separtely.

Yeah that would NEVER happen. W wouldn't accept that in a million years.
I don't really feel like I want to go at this point because of everything being up in the air. I met some of his extended family a few weeks ago, and I have met his parents briefly. The look on their faces when they realised I wasn't W was kinda priceless. I guess I should make a T-shirt that says "I'm not W"
if I was going to go.

In all seriousness, R is not that close with his extended family so going to the party I think would only exagerate the stress and issues we are all having at the moment.

So the plan is that R and I will do something in the morning. Then he and W will go to the party for a few hours, and then R and I will spend the night together also doing something nice.

Sunday I expressed that I NEEDED to spend most of the day with him as it was going to be a tough day for me. I think in a way he has accepted that and will try and spin it to W. Personally I don't think he'll pull it off like he plans. She will turn up early. I will get upset.

I know a lot of my thoughts come off as negative, but I just haven't had the best experience. A lot of the time he just gets TOLD what he will be doing, and when he will be doing it. He chooses to accept that, and well. I don't.
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Old 12-20-2011, 09:37 PM
cagedbutterfly cagedbutterfly is offline
Join Date: Nov 2011
Location: Outter Space
Posts: 30

I just want to go home.
I feel this ache in my gut and I am forcing tears back from my eyes.
I feel like I deserved this, I deserved to be cheated on. I deserved to be lied to. I deserved to be hurt and betrayed.

Because I made a stupid decsion.
Because I didn't think clearly.
Because I was reckless with my life.

And now what has this gotten me.
I am miserable.
I am alone.
I will be destitue if I move back home without a job.

I am hurting.
All because someone can't keep their promises.
All because someone doesn't care about anyone but themselves.
I can't do this anymore.
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