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Old 04-23-2009, 05:25 PM
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smilnlol smilnlol is offline
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It is kind of a funny story how I have came to join this site. My husband(Quath) has been active in Polyamory in his past relationships but I have not. Over the years ( married 5 together 7) I have been open and supportive as my husband told me all about his life and the life in a polyamourous relationships. I have no problems with the life style except I don't believe it is for me. So long story short, I wanted a puppy so I promised I would join a polyamory site if he let me get a puppy. I know, it sounds bad but here I am, good to my word. I am feeling like this life isn't for me which is really hard for my hubby. I don't like to share. lol I am willing to listen, research and stay open. Glad to be here.
Thx,
: )
ps I am pretty new at online forums. Please excuse any faux pas.
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Old 04-23-2009, 09:19 PM
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Quote:
Originally Posted by smilnlol View Post
I don't like to share.
Can you say more about that, your not liking to "share"? Do you fear some sort of loss if you share? What belief do you have about sharing, about loving..., that underlies your not liking to share?

Maybe this will start with a puppy and lead to a pony!
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Old 04-23-2009, 10:04 PM
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Cool

I was being a bit facetious/sarcastic when I said I don't like to share. I have two teenage daughters, I share things I don't want too. Ha

I will elaborate for you. When I think about my hubby with someone else I feel jealousy, yes, but also I feel loss. I don't want to lose the special and unique relationship my hubby has only with me. Fundamentally , it is selfishness and a strong love for my hubby that makes this hard for me. He has been telling me all about this life style for years. I have thought about this a lot. I don't see myself handling it in a healthy way. He keeps asking me to try this life style but I liken it to having another child. You don't just give it a go. This is a new life, a new person you are opening yourself and your entire family to. If you try it and it works, great, if it doesn't you are left with the drama, hurt or disease or what have you, of this experience. It doesn't just stop, it becomes who you are forever. Giving a little of myself away just to see how it goes doesn't sound very healthy.

Thanks for asking,
Smil
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Old 04-23-2009, 10:41 PM
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Quote:
Originally Posted by smilnlol View Post
I will elaborate for you. When I think about my hubby with someone else I feel jealousy, yes, but also I feel loss. I don't want to lose the special and unique relationship my hubby has only with me. Fundamentally, it is selfishness and a strong love for my hubby that makes this hard for me.
A couple of thoughts from my experience, limited as it has been...:

Every person is special and unique, therefore all relationships--comprised, as they are of people--are unique and special. Nothing can alter the specialness and uniqueness of a relationship between two people who love one another. It won't be any less special or unique if you or your hubby love another. It won't detract from the amount of love that exists between you. Love isn't like a pie that only has so many pieces to share. You won't get half a pie if your hubby loves another, or a third of a pie if your hubby loves two others.

Sometimes, in fact, the love between two members of a couple can expand and grow significantly when a third or fourth person comes into the picture. When my partner began to fully comprehend that I wasn't worried that I'd lose him when he began to open to another in love (and vice versa), and when that realization deepened within me in the experience, we opened to greater love with one another. There was more joy, more happiness, more love, greater trust and better communication. Nothing whatever became less or smaller! All the good things grew, expanded, proliferated.

Uniqueness and specialness. Everyone is unique and special. I love many people, some passionately, and each relationship is unique and special to me.
I have one lover, per se, at the time--my partner of 12 years--, but I do not fear that the specialness or uniqueness of our love will be threatened by either of us extending love to another, or even falling in love with another. That each of us trust each other and the the other's love enough to allow each other such freedom to love others without fear, guilt, shame..., is a blessing we give to one another.

Learning to love in this way takes time, but I think it is worth every bit of investment of thought, feeling, inquiry, communication.... Talk with your hubby heart-to-heart. He sounds like a "keeper". Go into this inquiry with big heart. Speak the truth of your hearts to one another. Maybe you'll decide that poly isn't for you. That's fine; that's great if that's the outcome. But don't have it all figured out in advance. None of us do.

Last edited by River; 04-23-2009 at 10:46 PM.
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Old 04-24-2009, 03:07 AM
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That was really beautiful Jrivermartin
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Old 04-24-2009, 11:26 AM
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I'm not disagreeing with what anyone else has said here - just wanted to add that as a starting point, don't rush yourself or let yourself be rushed - don't let anyone (including yourself) tell you that you "shouldn't" be feeling how you are currently feeling about the situation (fear, curiosity, etc., whatever the mix is). There's a world of difference between opening to the possibility of feeling different about it on the one hand, and feeling obliged in some way to feel differently on the other.
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Old 04-28-2009, 07:49 AM
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I can see how you would think that trying out poly would be like "having another child... you don't just give it a go." I totally agree. Like anything that happens in life we are forever changed by change. Still there comes a time when it is change or die... in this case allow change or your relationship may die. That is scary. I feel for you having to deal with this. It could really go one way or another. I remember back to the time when my husband and were deciding whether or not we should get back into poly after a break for about 5 years. Ok, the decision was no were near as difficult, but the "what if's" certainly were there ready to consume us with immobilizing fear. We had to change in the end and chose to search for a poly lifestyle again. if we didn't our relationship would have died out .
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Old 04-28-2009, 01:10 PM
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Two primary things make transitioning from mono- to poly- much easier while in a couple.

The first is having a solid enough loving relationship with good enough communication (I threw in the 'enough') because we're all human and few of us have the ideal or perfect in these dimensions.

The second thing which helps tremendously is for both partners in the couple to practice, regularly, examining their unconsciously held and unexamined beliefs about love and sex and family and all of that. If one believes, somewhere in their psyche, that only monogamous couples can and do "really" or "fully" love one another, one is obviously going to experience fear of loss of love in transitioning to poly-. Bringing the many very specific beliefs about love and relationships we've been living in accord with into conscious awareness and asking "But is that true?" about each of them is a powerfully transformative practice, especially when one is willing to do this with serious engagement and radical self-honesty.

There are quite a number of primary beliefs which most people in our culture subscribe to which are flat out false. Learn how to test them for truth and falsity. Belief example: "If I have two lovers I must have only half as much love to give to each as if I had only one lover." (... and a third as much if I have three lovers.) Learn to see what sorts of metaphors or analogies are at play. In this case, the analogy is false, thus rendering the whole premise false. The analogy here is to pie, cake, pizza.... It is true with pie, cake, and pizza that if I share a pie with three others fairly I must divide it into fourths--that is, if everyone wants an equal proportion.

When we think of love as a commodity or substance which is limited in supply, like a pie, we fundamentally misunderstand the power of love to expand when given -- quite the opposite of the behavior of pie. We also fail to take into account the success stories of polyamorous people who often report having their love grow for their first (chronologically) love while opening to another lover as well.

It is true that time is like pie in that it isn't unlimited in supply. If you work a busy week and most of your available "free time" is on weekends or vacations, that's quantifiable and limited. Sadly. But a loving person with two lovers will naturally do her/his best to spend plenty of quality time with his/her lovers.

I suppose the basic essence of this second item on my list of things we can do to smooth our transition to poly- from mono- is about subjecting our cultural conditioning and indoctrination--which is lodged in our emotions without our knowledge or consent--to self-honest rational inquiry. That's always a good thing to do with beliefs of the present-but-unexamined sort.
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Old 04-28-2009, 02:07 PM
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I spoke to my Lover, Redpepper, about commenting on things that I didnít experience for myself. I am uncomfortable in offering opinions as opposed to experiences.

I do have a related experience in this case. During a long but over marriage, my wife did express a possible love for a woman and, thinking only of the sexual aspect, I encouraged her to pursue it. They spent a night together and, although she said nothing happened (and I do trust her impeccably) that was a night I will never forget.

I had a somewhat different dynamic going into it as she expressed her love for me had become more like the love of a brother or child than a husband or lover. Regardless it was one of the most painful experiences of my life.

We reconnected for 11 more years before I screwed up and the marriage ended. It ended because I lost connection with her (and many other things) and did not have a connection with myself to fall back on for strength. I found that connection after my marriage dissolved. Without that connection I could not have met Redpepper and fell in love with her and develop a different love for her Husband as well.

I came into my incredible relationship with Redpepper knowing full well she could love more than one person. It was a polyamorous relationship from the start. That is the paramount difference which enables me to embrace others that are in her life currently and others that may/will be lucky enough to share her love in the future. Everyone she brings into her life is blessed.

Based on my memory of that experience with my ex wife, and putting myself back in that space, I can say I would rather she have left me before pursuing that. It hurt too much to think that someone I had a monogamous relationship with for eight years, (and thought I always would) could desire someone in that way. Honestly, if she had of wanted another man, this would not have been an issue...I would have left without hesitation or option. The sexual excitement of picturing my ex wife with another woman overwhelmed my young mind LOL! I would never have believed she wasn't living in denial and that would have been too much back then no matter how much I loved her; and at that time she was my world.

I fully expect this not to be a popular comment, but it is again, based on my experience. I am not here to say what others want to hear, but say what my heart and mind have felt.

Respect to everyone on this forum.

Last edited by MonoVCPHG; 04-28-2009 at 03:25 PM.
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  #10  
Old 04-29-2009, 01:03 AM
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smilnlol smilnlol is offline
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Default absorbing your thoughts

Here are a few thoughts based on others comments:
So Quath and I have a healthy relationship. No really! This is a major reason Quath is "pushing" a bit harder these days. (This issue is causing some stress between us tho)
(JRiverMartin) "The first is having a solid enough loving relationship with good enough communication ..."( sorry I forget how to quote properly)
Why do we need other people if our relationship is healthy and satisfying? This made me question Quath's feelings about our relationship. Is he happy and satisfied? He says he is and I believe him yet the conflict it creates is hard to sort out.
My hubby has been "teaching" me about polyamory for about 6 yrs now. This isn't a case of new-idea-aphobia. I have really delve deep within myself to understand how I would handle this life style. I am not old but I am sure as hell not young. 39 : )
(JRiverMartin)"... is about subjecting our cultural conditioning and indoctrination...to self-honest rational inquiry."
This is so true but I have examined these annoying societal stereotypes already. I have read the Ethical Slut(ha) I have no preconceived notions about love and relationships. I just can't find a reason why he/we need this in our lives. Quath says he wants to have more love and intimacy in his life. I say you just want more sex (can I say sex?) He says no I want the relationship. My argument is if you want relationships go get more friends. lol Honestly, I think it is the perversion factor that propels Quath more than anything. It is not bad to want sex I just think it is intellectually dishonest to say it isn't 90% of polyamory. Not to offend anyone I also think that people in polyamorous relationships do love each other very deeply. I just don't want to pretend sex isn't a driving factor.

I don't think of love as a pie. I have two children that I love equally, therefore spreading my love around isn't a concept I have trouble with. I don't want to share my hubby even though I wish I could. I know how much he wants this in his life. It is hard not to give it to him. I don't want the responsibility of tell him no. I wouldn't want someone telling me how or how not to live my life. He is a grown man and should make his own decisions. Yes, he would have to deal with the consequences of his decisions (i.e. my feelings of loss and sadness) Ultimately, he needs to live his life and I will need to find away to adapt. He has had to adapt to the new puppy. lol

and I guess this life, opening myself to others, scares me. I hate dating : )

Thx,
Smil
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