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Old 11-19-2011, 02:07 PM
Savage Savage is offline
Join Date: Nov 2011
Location: UK
Posts: 9
Default Should I tell my wife?

I am new here, having read a load of posts I have decided I should prob seek your advice before doing anything I might regret.
I have been married to my amazing wife (Z) for over 10 years now and have been truthful and honest to her all the way. We have a 3yo child and one on the way
I have always felt that it is possible to love more than one person and have been in the past, my wife has never been into the idea, we have discussed my desires before, when I fell in love with a girl at work (A). I told my wife about her then but as she was not up for a 3 way relationship I decided to respect this and not persue my relationship with the other (that was very hard). I had also been honest with A - she knew I was interested but wanted to stay with my wife and would not entertain an affare. Once she even said she would be up for joining a 3 way relationship, but Z wasn't interested.

Recently I have been back in touch with A and it has made me realise I still have deep feelings for her.

I am having trouble deciding if I should avoid contact with A, suppress my feelings and continue with my mono relationship with Z. Or should I tell my wife what is going on inside my head and risk causing problems.

This dilemma is hurting my head, on the one hand I love my wife and don't want to risk our solid relationship by bringing the poly subject back up (especially given she is pregnant). On the other hand by not talking about it I am kinda being dishonest.

Thanks for reading and I greatly apreciate any advice.

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Old 11-19-2011, 07:51 PM
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SchrodingersCat SchrodingersCat is offline
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Join Date: Feb 2010
Location: Canada
Posts: 2,447

Could you be more specific on what you mean by a "three way relationship?"

The way it sounds to me is that A would move in with you and you would all be "one big happy family" but if your wife doesn't want another woman living in her house, then that's just not going to happen.

But that wouldn't necessarily rule out a "vee" relationship, i.e. you would be married to Z and in a relationship with A, but A and Z would not have to be bosom buddies.

Now you say that your wife is pregnant. I personally don't think this is the best time to be bringing this up. She's got a lot on her plate, she's hormonal, she needs to feel like the father of her unborn child is there for her 100%. I don't know when the best time would be, because obviously a newborn child will also consume a great deal of time and energy from both yourself and your wife, leaving less time and energy available for dating. But I've never been pregnant or a new mother, so perhaps someone who has been in those shoes could be more helpful in that respect.
As I am sure any cat owner will be able to tell you,
someone else putting you in a box is entirely different
from getting into a box yourself.
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Old 11-19-2011, 08:02 PM
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AnnabelMore AnnabelMore is offline
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Join Date: Dec 2010
Posts: 2,285

If you're prepared to cut off contact with A, then there's no need to bring it up. But if you want to keep her in your life, and you have feelings for her, and you keep it all suppressed and a secret, some day you may find yourself having cheated and wondering "how did I get here?" It happened to me.

How far along is your wife's pregnancy? I'd guess that telling her this at two months would be very different than telling her at eight months.

A "threeway relationship" is the most complicated of all the types of relationships you could pursue, and should be considered only if all three people are genuinely very into each other, not as a panacea to jealousy. It doesn't work that way. But as SC pointed out above, a vee is perfectly possible if you and your wife can work it out. It's not an affair if it's on the up and up.
Me, 30ish bi female, been doing solo poly for roughly 5 years. Gia, Clay, and Pike, my partners. Davis, ex/friend/"it's complicated." Eric, Gia's husband. Bee, Gia and Eric's toddler.
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Old 11-19-2011, 08:08 PM
lifetake2 lifetake2 is offline
Join Date: Nov 2011
Posts: 13

I can tell you that while pregnant or immediately after (ie 6 months) is NOT the time to imply you are not interested in your wife.

While you can say that is not the case, bringing up adding a 3rd she has already said no will likely make her feel that way.

My suggestion.....if you love your wife you need to cut the relationship with A back to work only. Don't allow yourself to go there until your wife is ready. And be prepared she may still say no.

If she continues to expect monogamy what will do you?
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Old 11-19-2011, 08:22 PM
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Carma Carma is offline
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Join Date: Dec 2010
Location: Ohio
Posts: 478

Are there crucial things missing in your relationship with your wife??? Be honest.

Sometimes that can be a good place to start, before you venture off into an affair that your wife is not open to. I agree, when she is pregnant, you are simply asking for some shit!
Formerly married to Sundance
Boyfriend -- Butch Cassidy
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Old 11-19-2011, 08:42 PM
Shyliss Shyliss is offline
Join Date: Nov 2011
Posts: 12

I believe that honesty is always best. in being honest you also have to be sensitive and considerate. your wife will sense that something has changed, you owe it to her to let her know what is happening.

just because you have feelings and desires for A does not mean that you do not have feelings and desires for Z. if your feelings for A are real, they will not just go away.
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