In Need of an Ear

[thirtysilver]

Some of you may remember my recent inquiry and the subsequent discussion involving my feelings for a girl, R. A quick summation: I have been with L for 9 years and she and I have been married since 2007. I have only ever been monogamous, though I have never been comfortable with monogamy. About 4 months ago I started to develop feelings for R, and those feelings have since grown very strong. L knows of R and is understanding but not happy. R says poly is not for her and that she cannot return my affection. I decided not to pursue this any further.

Well, this is an update:
Not pursuing this has proved quite difficult. My feelings for R persist, despite my efforts to strangle them. I walk around in a daze, not feeling like part of the world around me, thinking about R. I feel like I might be in love with her, but another part of me tells me that is stupid. She lives 1000 miles away and I have only spoken to her online. That is a tremendously embarrassing admission, and I'd thank you to be kind in addressing it.
I feel like I'm on a road, right? The same road we're all on. But I've been carrying around far more weight that it's fair for anyone to have asked me to carry, and now I'm just too tired to take my next step.
Am I in love with two women at once? Am I in love with either of them? Do I even know how to love?
I'm a survivor of severe, long-term child abuse. Emotional abuse, I should clarify. Could it be that whatever emotional mechanism it is that makes people able to love doesn't function correctly (or at all) in me?
I don't know what to do anymore. I'm sorry if this isn't the right place for this.

[Erosa]

I was somewhat puzzled by your situation until I saw that you have survived abuse.

I am a survivor of abuse myself and I can tell you that it deeply affects even things you cannot see in yourself.

One of these things is the constant search for 'safety'. As a child you never felt 'secure' and you are seeking to find that both physically and emotionally as an adult.

That may be why you are so in love with a woman who is so far away and when you also have a committed relationship that (at least I gather from your post here) is not open to poly.

You may not be poly at all... (Not judging. Just raising the idea.) Possibly you are so in love with this other women BECUASE you CANNOT have her. She's 'safe'. You can love, share, feel, and hurt without ever having to perverbially 'pay the tab'.

I'm not calling you a cop out here. I'm simply saying that I've seen in my own life and in the lives of other abuse survivors a STRONG tendancy towards wanting only what they know they cannot reasonably have.

Before you consider pursuing thing with this other person any farther, you should ask yourself "If she were right here, right now, and I could have her completely with no hold backs or 'risk' to it, would I still want her?"

You might be surprised at the answer.

[thirtysilver]

An insightful reply. You are right about my constant search for safety, as galling as that is to admit. I hate being a slave to fears of the past. At this point, though, I am exhausted from trying to overcome those fears. I was recently prescribed an anxiolytic, an anti-psychotic, and an anti-convulsant (this last because I have seizures related to anxiety). I'm not taking any of these medicines because I fear the side effects, which are listed in the pharmacy literature, and because I want to get a second opinion. Suffice to say that I do have mood and anxiety problems on top of having zero self-esteem. If my amorous feelings are really phantoms created by my psychological issues, then it is those issues I need to deal with first and foremost. But if I truly am feeling love - or something like it - for R, than I need to address it as such.
Does that make sense? I'm not sure if anything I say makes sense anymore :/ I feel like a crazy person.

Lastly:

Originally Posted by Erosa

"If she were right here, right now, and I could have
her completely with no hold backs or 'risk' to it, would I still want her?"

Unequivocally yes.

[Ceoli]

Originally Posted by thirtysilver

Suffice to say that I do have mood and anxiety problems on top of having zero self-esteem. If my amorous feelings are really phantoms created by my psychological issues, then it is those issues I need to deal with first and foremost. But if I truly am feeling love - or something like it - for R, than I need to address it as such.
Does that make sense? I'm not sure if anything I say makes sense anymore :/ I feel like a crazy person.

If, at this point, you are unable to tell the difference then it's pretty clear that you have to address the underlying psychological issues before moving forward, even if what you are experiencing is genuine love. Either way, it seems the issues of anxiety and self esteem should be addressed for the benefit of any relationship you have, whether your current marriage remains monogamous or not.

[Mark1npt]

Ceoli is entirely correct. You have to make sure of your total health, and that includes the psychological side in order to proceed. And besides, R already told you she's not open to poly, and you're married, I presume still love and want to stay married to your wife? So, it won't work with R, will it? Poly, if you truly are, can only work with someone who is willing to try. Not with someone, who says "no".

[thirtysilver]

Understood.
This is clearly not a problem for this forum.
Farewell.

[redpepper]

Originally Posted by thirtysilver

But I've been carrying around far more weight that it's fair for anyone to have asked me to carry, and now I'm just too tired to take my next step.

What would your next step be do you think? And what is the weight you carry? I'm not understanding I don't think...

Originally Posted by thirtysilver

Am I in love with two women at once? Am I in love with either of them? Do I even know how to love?

Lets just assume that none of this questioning is to do with the abuse you suffered... it is possible you are in love with two women, or maybe you are thinking about it all so intently for some other lesson to arise from your thoughts. Love is a tricky little bugger. But I believe that if there is care there and concern for a person and a desire to be near them and in their lives then that is love... of course there is far more to it but I would suggest that if the nature of your thinking about R is along those lines then it could be that you are in love with her.

I wrote all this and saw your last post.
I don't know if you will be back.
I feel for you, it sounds like you are going through some confusing and frustrating stuff inside. Not to mention overwhelming?
Good luck.
Your thread was perfectly suited to this forum in my opinion... in case that makes a difference.