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Old 11-16-2011, 09:54 AM
Amitrye Amitrye is offline
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Default Sort of new to the boards~

I'm Ami. I'm kind of shy and a very private person, so if I'm long-winded at any time I apologize for that. I have a tendency to dance around the point frequently.
I know a lot of people who post on this forum are poly. I think that's cool. I had one long-term relationship with someone who was poly and have been reading this forum ever since... I just recently decided to register.
I am 100% mono. I noticed a few other monos on here, and I notice that people are not discriminatory concerning that.
While I was dating the poly guy a few years back, I tried to define what I was. I guess people would consider me pansexual. I can love anyone- but I'm only good at loving one person at a time.
Anyways, I'm dancing again. This isn't really about me. It's about my spouse. He's come out to me as poly recently. No problem there- I've done that before and I don't mind being the mono one in a poly relationship.
My issue is with the circumstances. I've had multiple surgeries in the past year. I felt bad about this because I felt like I was a burden to my husband. I also felt terrible for not being able to spend time with my newborn.
What makes me angry is that disclosure of newfound poly ways came only after he hooked up with my longtime friend while I was in the hospital. He told me weeks after the fact that they were together physically while I was facing death in the hospital. I could not feel more betrayed.
I knew my surgery would be hard on him so I asked my mother to watch our daughter. I never dreamed this would be the result of some free time to de-stress.
I don't think I can accept circumstances as they are- even though I have accepted another partner being poly before. I have cut myself off from both my husband and my friend.
I want to be a loving accepting person again, but I don't think I can do so with him. From a poly perspective: am I being too harsh? Both of them say I am.
P.S. Sorry I lied. I guess this was all about me. >.<
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Old 11-16-2011, 05:00 PM
freyamarie freyamarie is offline
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You feel betrayed...who wouldn't?!
Announcing being poly after cheating is not cool. No, I don't think you are being too harsh. What happened and the subsequent revelations has got to be just awful for you.
I don't see how they can think you are over-reacting if they have an ounce of compassion or even self-honesty. I call "bullshit".
This has nada to do with you being okay being a mono in a relationship with a poly and everything to do with being betrayed. Don't torture yourself over that particular issue, ever.
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Old 11-16-2011, 05:16 PM
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AnnabelMore AnnabelMore is offline
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Seconded. From the "poly perspective" he cheated and the two of them betrayed your trust at an extremely vulnerable time, just like from the mono perspective.

That said, what the poly perspective does offer is the knowledge that him hooking up with her does not mean that he doesn't love you any more or that things are necessarily over now. But it's still up to you whether or not you're willing to forgive him and trust him again. I imagine his chances would be better if he showed sincere remorse rather than accusing you of being too harsh...

I wonder why this happened during your hospitalization? Maybe they were both so scared for you and in such need of support that this is the (inappropriate and uncool but perhaps understandable and forgivable?) way they found to be there for each other. If you haven't already, I would ask him what the heck was up with the timing.
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Old 11-16-2011, 05:42 PM
Amitrye Amitrye is offline
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Thank you for the responses. I did ask why this occured at the time, but I got different answers from both of them. She claims that she has been attracted to him for some time and that their relationship grew while I was having a difficult pregnancy. He says (like Annabel said) that it happened while I was in the hospital because of anxiety about the matter. Here I believe they might both be telling the truth.
However, I'm not sure if I can forgive regardless. My husband promised to be there for me during the intense time in the hospital. He only came to visit one time for a period of two hours saying he was busy with homework from college- I was in there for a long time. To learn that what he was doing was playing with my friend devastated me.
My friend has done similar things to me in the past. She is incredibly attractive (not that I'm not, just in a different way) and has slept with my partners while I've been on vacation, at work, taking care of my ill parents, etc. (I already forgave her too many times in the past I guess.)
At different times both of them have lied to me, so I have difficulty giving them trust right now.
I like what Annabel said about poly offering a different perspective. When you're hurting it's harder to see that. Maybe I will see it with time, but I'm not ready to forgive either of them.
Thanks for both of the responses. Honestly, it has nothing to do with me being mono and I should own that. I can accept the poly lifestyle, but you're right, it was cheating. I sort of wanted to trick myself into believing otherwise.
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Old 11-16-2011, 05:54 PM
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AnnabelMore AnnabelMore is offline
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Fucking hell! I've spent much longer than that in the hospital with people who were just friends. If you can't count on your spouse to drop everything and be by your side at such a time, who can you count on? What an ass.

And if your "friend" has been through this pattern before and saw it coming with your hubs AND knew you'd done poly before... why didn't it occur to her to say something to you, maybe ask your permission?? Or at least avoid the situation until you were well.

I'd dump 'em both too with this context. I'm sorry, hun.
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Me, 30ish bi female, been doing solo poly for roughly 5 years. Gia, Clay, and Pike, my partners. Davis, ex/friend/"it's complicated." Eric, Gia's husband. Bee, Gia and Eric's toddler.
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Old 11-16-2011, 06:13 PM
Amitrye Amitrye is offline
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I thought as much. I've tried being accepting, resigned, disappointed- a bevy of emotions in the short time since I found out. Reading the responses, I feel as though the anger that is working its way into my system is justified, and boy I have never ever been so mad. I'm going to have breakfast and then go to my parents house to relax. I need to get away from my husband right now.
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