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Old 12-11-2009, 12:31 AM
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Default balance of power in a poly relationships

What about the balance of power in a poly relationship?

In my relationship I am the center of the "V" (with and arm to my tersiary). I have a friend who has two boyfriends and she is in a situation where she is in more a "pong" game. Shuffled back and forth... still again we know a poly family whereby the Wife is the power player and her husband and his girlfriend are not. There is one woman we know that has several live in boyfriends with their wives even and her own husband, AND their kids and her kids....! She runs the show! Hands down.... she decides who is a good fit for their family, and who isn't... even the connections her boyfriends and husbands have with others. They are all okay with it as is she....Very interesting

I hate to say "power" because it is not what I mean, it's for want of a better word... anyone have a better one?

I find it fascinating that these things evolve and take on a evolution all themselves.... my friend says I am the hinge in my relationships because I have the pussy.... hahaha! that isn't true for every poly set up...

Do you think there is a balance of power in your relationship? and if so, who holds it and what does it mean to you?
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Old 12-11-2009, 12:47 AM
AutumnalTone AutumnalTone is offline
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We each make decisions for ourselves.

I don't think I'd operate under any other power dynamic--certainly not one where somebody else would presume to choose partners for me. Nope, I'd likely have to slow roast and eat anybody who tried to make that sort of decision for me. I keep an extra bottle of BBQ sauce around for that day when I decide to toss the kittehs in the slow cooker and I could use that sauce on somebody trying to make decisions for me.
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Old 12-11-2009, 01:08 AM
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Originally Posted by SeventhCrow View Post
We each make decisions for ourselves.

I don't think I'd operate under any other power dynamic--certainly not one where somebody else would presume to choose partners for me. Nope, I'd likely have to slow roast and eat anybody who tried to make that sort of decision for me. I keep an extra bottle of BBQ sauce around for that day when I decide to toss the kittehs in the slow cooker and I could use that sauce on somebody trying to make decisions for me.
Yes, not my idea of a good time and I want to express NOT how I operate! Still, works for them. It would be too much hard work bossing everyone around.

That is why I didn't want to use the word "power" as its not about control so much as energy flow between people.

Does that make sense?
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Old 12-11-2009, 02:52 AM
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Kitten has the power I'd have to say. We all tread carefully around her. I mainly do so in order to not make things worse on the guys.

The biggest power she has is over the individual relationships. If something were to happen to end things between her and Gator, she has plainly stated that she wouldn't want (allow) Tech and I to still see each other. Nor would she want Tech and Gator to still do things together (they are best friends). She said even that would make her jealous.

To me, that's power. But, I've learned it's the prooce I have to pay for admission as Dan Savage says.
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Old 12-11-2009, 03:17 AM
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Kitten has the power I'd have to say. We all tread carefully around her. I mainly do so in order to not make things worse on the guys.

The biggest power she has is over the individual relationships. If something were to happen to end things between her and Gator, she has plainly stated that she wouldn't want (allow) Tech and I to still see each other. Nor would she want Tech and Gator to still do things together (they are best friends). She said even that would make her jealous.

To me, that's power. But, I've learned it's the prooce I have to pay for admission as Dan Savage says.
Eek! Is that really power? It seems in that sense the dynamics of the relationship are being shaped by the person most able to destroy things. That strikes me as a really difficult thing to sustain.

I sometimes substitute the word power for fuel. In some contexts they are synonymous. Energy flow is about who is providing fuel in what way. That shifts and flows in my relationships. I never get a sense that it affords power one way or another but it clearly keeps energy flowing between us, which is important.

Last edited by Ceoli; 12-11-2009 at 03:30 AM.
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Old 12-14-2009, 09:07 PM
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Originally Posted by Ceoli View Post
Eek! Is that really power? It seems in that sense the dynamics of the relationship are being shaped by the person most able to destroy things. That strikes me as a really difficult thing to sustain.

I sometimes substitute the word power for fuel. In some contexts they are synonymous. Energy flow is about who is providing fuel in what way. That shifts and flows in my relationships. I never get a sense that it affords power one way or another but it clearly keeps energy flowing between us, which is important.
Yes, you're correct, power may not be the right word for this. It has been very difficult for me to come to terms with. In the end, I have to remind myself I am not Tech's primary relationship and I knew that I never would be going into this. I remind myself that some bridges can't be dealt with until you actually have to cross them. And I remind myself that Tech and I love each other and we will both do our best to resolve something like that closer to our satisfacton if the need arises. I truly believe these day that he would do his best there.

I've stressed over this in the past to the point that I wasn't enjoying what we do have. I'm thankful for his presence in my life and strife to life in the moment the best I can. That's been a deal learning process for a planner.
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Old 12-11-2009, 07:02 AM
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Originally Posted by ourquad View Post
Kitten has the power I'd have to say. We all tread carefully around her. I mainly do so in order to not make things worse on the guys.

The biggest power she has is over the individual relationships. If something were to happen to end things between her and Gator, she has plainly stated that she wouldn't want (allow) Tech and I to still see each other. Nor would she want Tech and Gator to still do things together (they are best friends). She said even that would make her jealous.

To me, that's power. But, I've learned it's the prooce I have to pay for admission as Dan Savage says.
Care to elaborate on this? I don't get how this would be comfortable or work in the long term. It sounds like it's based on fear of movement and change in your relationship. How come she gets to dictate all that anyways? I can understand that she would have emotions and jealousy, but it doesn't seem healthy for anyone that her emotions and jealousy be the focal point of your relationships together?
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Old 12-11-2009, 09:49 AM
PickMoreDaisies PickMoreDaisies is offline
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Default Shifting 'power'

I think that I like to GIVE the power to the person that happens to be having the most difficulty dealing with issues at that time. I think that it helps to have the feeling that you have some say so when you are having a hard time dealing with things and so I willingly give up the 'say so' when others are struggling. Does that make sense?

I wouldn't want to weild power over someone that i care about at any time really, but i think that it allows the other person to feel that their feelings are heard if they feel capable of making important decisions about the relationship at critical points in it and that those boundaries/feelings will be respected.
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Old 12-14-2009, 09:28 PM
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Originally Posted by redpepper View Post
Care to elaborate on this? I don't get how this would be comfortable or work in the long term. It sounds like it's based on fear of movement and change in your relationship. How come she gets to dictate all that anyways? I can understand that she would have emotions and jealousy, but it doesn't seem healthy for anyone that her emotions and jealousy be the focal point of your relationships together?
I think I answered most of this in the above response. Kitten just doesn't show love the way I'm used to. And that was one of the very few times she has actually admitted to jealousy or the possibility of jealousy. Though I would say she has felt I many times by her behavior.

Kitten is so outside what I can understand at times. I never feel as if I explain her correctly. I've come to accept that getting her to change is imposible (things are never her fault). I can only change how I handle things. And that means I have to distance myself from some situations. Both Gator ansd Tech understand that now. I like Kitten and love her in the only way I can but what the relationship is between the two of us can never be more until she does some changing and growing.
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Old 12-11-2009, 03:00 AM
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I don't mind the word power so I'll stick to using it.

The balance of power is not held by any individual in our relationship. It is held in the path that is in the best interest of your son.

You are the focal point of our relationship.
He is the focal point of our family.

I willingly respect and honor that
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