Polyamory.com Forum  

Go Back   Polyamory.com Forum > Polyamory > Poly Relationships Corner


Thread Tools Display Modes
Old 11-14-2011, 08:57 PM
BaconWrappedCupcakes BaconWrappedCupcakes is offline
Join Date: Feb 2011
Posts: 15
Default Safe Sex question

I recently found out that my BF has not been using condoms with his other GF, and they haven't for sometime long before he met me.

I had asked him on a few occasions if he used them all the time and he said yes.
Obviously he lied to me.

We are now at an impass. I am struggling with the idea of ever being intimate with him again. I asked him to use condoms with her and he refuses saying he won't bring it up because she would be hurt.

He has taken the stance of I amd the Dom and you are the sub and you will fall in line she is just a vanilla girl and I can't control her.

I'm so hurt and depressed. I feel humiliated and used.

Any advice you have would be greatly appreciated.
Reply With Quote
Old 11-14-2011, 10:38 PM
Derbylicious's Avatar
Derbylicious Derbylicious is offline
Senior Member
Join Date: May 2009
Location: Victoria BC
Posts: 1,603

This is your health that we're talking about! Although you can't control what he does with anyone else you have the right to say that unless he wears a condom with her that he won't be having sex with you. This is one of those things that you really shouldn't give up control on. I would also go and get tested ASAP to make sure he hasn't passed anything on to you.
Everything will be ok in the end. If it's not ok it's not the end.
Reply With Quote
Old 11-14-2011, 10:42 PM
nycindie's Avatar
nycindie nycindie is offline
Join Date: Nov 2010
Location: The Big Apple
Posts: 10,083

I would think a Dom would be more concerned for taking care of you, not less. But whether he is your Dom or not is irrelevant. He has completely and utterly disrespected you, lied to you, and risked your health in an unforgivably cavalier fashion. If I were you, my relationship with him would be over. Get tested immediately. End of story.
The world opens up... when you do.

"Oh, oh, can't you see? Love is the drug for me." ~Bryan Ferry
"Love and the self are one . . ." ~Leo Buscaglia

Click here for a Solo Poly view on hierarchical relationships
Click here to find out why the Polyamorous Misanthrope is feeling disgusted.
Reply With Quote
Old 11-15-2011, 03:23 AM
ray's Avatar
ray ray is offline
Senior Member
Join Date: Aug 2010
Location: USA
Posts: 819

He sounds kind of childish. Fluid bonding is serious stuff and your health and safety even more so. If his other partner would be to hurt to consider safe sex? Well, then, she doesn't sound too mature. Having adult conversations about safe sex has nothing to do with being her Dom or not. He can't make her use protection but he should be smart enough to refuse to have sex with out making sure its safe for him and you first. Not only did he risk your health but he also lied about it. I'd have a hard time trusting him too. I'm not sure I'd be able to trust some one after something like that. I would definitely reconsider his position in your life.
Reply With Quote
Old 11-15-2011, 03:30 AM
AnnabelMore's Avatar
AnnabelMore AnnabelMore is offline
Senior Member
Join Date: Dec 2010
Posts: 2,285

Break. Up. With. Him. Someone who's so shockingly ignorant of what a loving dom/sub relationship should look like that he would say "your health and comfort in this situation don't matter because you're the sub" is someone who should NEVER EVER EVER be in a position of power over someone else. Untrustworthy, gross, lying, manipulative, immature bastard. Not that this would be remotely okay if you two were vanilla -- I'd still call him names and advise breaking up with him asap -- but it makes me all the more upset because I wish people like him would stop giving D/s a bad name.
Me, 30ish bi female, been doing solo poly for roughly 5 years. Gia, Clay, and Pike, my partners. Davis, ex/friend/"it's complicated." Eric, Gia's husband. Bee, Gia and Eric's toddler.
Reply With Quote
Old 11-15-2011, 05:54 AM
SchrodingersCat's Avatar
SchrodingersCat SchrodingersCat is offline
Senior Member
Join Date: Feb 2010
Location: Canada
Posts: 2,447

D/s arguments only count when both partners are consenting.

You did not consent to this.

If he lied about that, you can bet he's lying about other things too.

For the record, if he were to suddenly "agree" to use condoms with her, I wouldn't believe him. He's clearly willing to lie and say whatever you want to hear.

Taking risks with your health is flat-out abusive.
As I am sure any cat owner will be able to tell you,
someone else putting you in a box is entirely different
from getting into a box yourself.

Last edited by SchrodingersCat; 11-15-2011 at 05:58 AM.
Reply With Quote

abusing partners, bdsm, safe sex, sti

Thread Tools
Display Modes

Posting Rules
You may not post new threads
You may not post replies
You may not post attachments
You may not edit your posts

BB code is On
Smilies are On
[IMG] code is On
HTML code is Off

Forum Jump

All times are GMT. The time now is 11:05 AM.