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Old 11-13-2011, 04:27 AM
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Arrowbound Arrowbound is offline
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Default I should've done this before! But I'm here now.

Hi all!

I'm a 20-something stay-at-home mom to a super curious and affectionate toddler. My partner and I are common-law, and our plans are to eventually get legally married in the next year or so.

He spoke to me about his interest in a poly relationship when our child was about 6 months old. I found his honesty and goals for the intended comforting, and saw it as something beneficial for all involved. He immediately began his search while I fell back on old flings, yearning to feel less 'motherly' and more like my old self. I have gotten over that initial feeling and I'm now more at peace with seeing myself as more than one thing as well as 'Mom'.

My partner, after many false starts with other women, has found someone he feels compatible with, and talks to her on a regular basis. He has even claimed her publicly, and I've witnessed them telling each other 'Love you' on more than one occasion. I can admit that I was definitely caught off guard by their declarations, and I'm not exactly sure how to approach the subject except to ask 'You love each other? Already?'. I'm currently not searching because there are other things that I'm working on in a personal sense.

I think it's important that I begin to examine and break down the jealousy that has arisen now that he is content with this other woman, and also learn as much as I can about how our situation can work for everyone involved.

Glad to be here! Got so much to learn.
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Old 11-13-2011, 12:24 PM
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Eruza Eruza is offline
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My opinion on jealousy is that it is similar to anger. It's okay to feel it, but you have to think carefully about how it determines your actions. I'm also not sure whether you want your husband-to-be to actually be in a long-term relationship with another woman; I can't really tell from what you've said thus far.
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Old 11-13-2011, 03:19 PM
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AnnabelMore AnnabelMore is offline
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I think it's totally fair to ask your husband to really think about what he's getting into and to try to take it slow and be rational. That said, infatuation and hormones can make anyone act a little irrational. As long as he's still treating you well it's all good, but it count hurt to point him towards some resources on NRE or "new relationship energy". And there are some really helpful thoughts about working on jealousy at this site -- www.morethantwo.com. Good luck!
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Me, 30ish bi female, been doing solo poly for roughly 5 years. Gia, Clay, and Pike, my partners. Davis, ex/friend/"it's complicated." Eric, Gia's husband. Bee, Gia and Eric's toddler.
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Old 11-13-2011, 05:26 PM
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Arrowbound Arrowbound is offline
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Quote:
Originally Posted by AnnabelMore View Post
I think it's totally fair to ask your husband to really think about what he's getting into and to try to take it slow and be rational. That said, infatuation and hormones can make anyone act a little irrational. As long as he's still treating you well it's all good, but it count hurt to point him towards some resources on NRE or "new relationship energy". And there are some really helpful thoughts about working on jealousy at this site -- www.morethantwo.com. Good luck!
With that, it's become obvious that we go at totally different paces in this regard, and his 'slow' is spending time getting to know the other person without any rash plans to go out on a date two weeks later. My 'slow' is going to be waaay slower because I'm not as open at first, and I have never considered having more than one long-term relationship at the same time until now.

He has always been considerate, for the most part, and he does make sure that I'm not neglected in the process. I have recently asked him to open up the lines between her and I, to keep me abreast a little more than he has. For example I would not have known exactly what those declarations meant or how they were intended had I not inquired. Apparently the goal was to be unsettling for others, except it wasn't only other people that became unsettled, but me too. So I definitely brought it up because I'm not interested in sitting on my feelings.

Thank you for the suggestion about pointing NRE out. After learning more about it I calmed down, realizing that it happens in every relationship at the beginning, mono or poly, and that we experienced it at first with each other too.
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Old 11-14-2011, 02:06 AM
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You're getting ready to be married to each other so I don't think it's unreasonable to see yourself as his primary. As a primary it's nice (dare I say it respectful even) to not have your partner surprise you with new loves.
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Old 11-13-2011, 05:07 PM
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Quote:
Originally Posted by Eruza View Post
My opinion on jealousy is that it is similar to anger. It's okay to feel it, but you have to think carefully about how it determines your actions. I'm also not sure whether you want your husband-to-be to actually be in a long-term relationship with another woman; I can't really tell from what you've said thus far.
I haven't beat myself up for it, that's for sure. He and I spoke about it last night and he told me he was surprised I felt that way. I explained to him that though we may be very much alike we are still not the same person, and I also didn't anticipate feeling the jealousy like I did. I acknowledged the work needed on my part to examine what lay underneath and after a long talk I realize that what I needed was reassurance. I honestly feel normal again, because that initial feeling of blindsidedness was shattered.

As for the long-term relationship desire, I'm still adjusting. More than anything I want happiness for all involved, which is why I'm examining and researching. I wasn't as open to building something separate friendship-wise with his other partner previously but now I see it as necessary. Instead of harping on initially seeing her as a silent adversary, with my readings she has become humanized.
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