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Old 11-12-2011, 10:45 PM
mr21 mr21 is offline
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Question Husband agreed to open marriage now is being unfair

I have been with my husband 15 yrs and we have 4 children. He initiated a 3some with another male in 2008 and we did this with this male about 3 times. He has always told me he fantasizes about me with another man. This past August we were at a party with friends and went home with a male friend of ours. My husband and I started getting intimate and he left the room, sent the friend in and he left..... not just the room, the house, he literally left me there with the friend and he went home. I went home the next morning upset that he had left me there without discussing it. We made up and had amazing sex. I then started to think maybe his fantasy was really me having sex with another man and then telling him about it. So, a month later we did it again. And a month later we went out with the same man and another woman, my husband hooked up with the woman and I with the friend in separate rooms. Each time with us going home and later having amazing sex. So early November I approach my husband with the idea of an open marriage. He said he was for it but he requested that I not come home and try to have sex with him. Fair enough. This past Thursday I went out with the guy for the first time without my husband. Today, Saturday I try to be affectionate with my husband and he now tells me to respect his wishes and that he doesn't want to have sex with me for at least 5-6 days after me being with the other man. Like he's punishing me. My whole desire to see the other man is not sexual. He does not make me cum and I think it's because I am still not comfortable with him enough to just let go. My husband on the other hand pleases me every time. My enjoyment from being with the other man comes from a wierd desire to me be wanted and needed and appreciated. I know it sounds warped. So now I don't know what to do. Is my husband playing mind games? Why was ok with him when he had the control but now that I have the control I feel like he is trying to make me feel dirty. I am not happy, I don't feel good about this in fact I feel like crying. Not because he won't have sex with me but because I feel like he said "ok lets do this" and really didn't want to and is now upset with me. But again, me sleeping with another man was OK when he decided for me to but he needs 5-6 days before making love to me again when I chose to be with the other man. Is there something wrong with this or is it just me missing something?
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  #2  
Old 11-13-2011, 01:38 AM
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AnnabelMore AnnabelMore is offline
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So... have you asked *him* why the 5-6 day rule is in place now, when it didn't bother him in the least before? He's the only one who can tell you what he's thinking, we can only guess. You've *got* to be able to communicate clearly to be able to successfully do what you're doing.
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The major players. Me, 30ish bi female. Gia, girlfriend of 4+ years. Clay, boyfriend/dom. Davis, ex/friend/"it's complicated." Eddie, roommate & fwb.
The supporting cast. Eric, Gia's husband. Bee, Gia and Eric's toddler. Dexter, Gia's lover. Helen, Eric's lover. Izzy and Nikki, Clay's partners. Liam, Eddie's husband.
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Old 11-13-2011, 04:03 AM
mr21 mr21 is offline
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Unhappy

I most definitely asked him. He said its a space he needs. As far as why he didn't need it before he says because before it was something we did as a couple. To me I see no difference. Him needing time from me makes me feel like I did something wrong. This whole arrangment was supposed to add to our relationship and make a good thing better. Really it has made me feel awful, not good at all. If this is the way it's going to be I don't want it.
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Old 11-13-2011, 05:11 AM
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AnnabelMore AnnabelMore is offline
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Sorry, that was a little snarky of me -- of course you asked him. :/

So, before you were sleeping with people together causally, and it was enhancing your sex life. Now you're going on dates without him and it has the opposite effect, he feels like he needs space. Him feeling weird about it may not be an issue of control on his part, it may be that before it was about fun and now it's about feelings, before you were together and now you're separate. That's hard for many people. The question here is, is he asking for space because he needs it, or because he feels weird and resentful about things and has told himself this is what he needs rather than trying to sort out the underlying issues, or because he's trying to make you feel bad?

If he has a history of playing mind games it might be the latter, but I'm inclined to think it's one of the former. Poly affects people in ways they don't expect and don't always know how to express. And the hold on sex affects him as much as it does you... moreso, actually, since you have another partner and he doesn't (it's not your husband's fault the guy doesn't make you cum yet).

Tell him that this is making you sad and ask him if you and he can talk it out, see what the root of his feeling about it is, see if it's going to be a temporary thing or a permanent thing... then decide if it's worth it to you to keep working on poly or to let it go.
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The major players. Me, 30ish bi female. Gia, girlfriend of 4+ years. Clay, boyfriend/dom. Davis, ex/friend/"it's complicated." Eddie, roommate & fwb.
The supporting cast. Eric, Gia's husband. Bee, Gia and Eric's toddler. Dexter, Gia's lover. Helen, Eric's lover. Izzy and Nikki, Clay's partners. Liam, Eddie's husband.
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Old 11-13-2011, 03:07 PM
dingedheart dingedheart is offline
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What is or was the goal and purpose of opening up the relationship? Who idea's are all these things? You might want to understand his motivations before you agree to anything else.

Could be a case of buyer remorse. Looked good in some porn magazine but in real life not so much. You're in a 6-day quarantine....and it may get longer if you have dates outside the country ...so be careful
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Old 11-13-2011, 03:34 PM
opalescent opalescent is offline
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I'm guessing quite a bit here but it sounds like your husband really liked 'sharing' you with other men, and then hearing about it later, leading to the great sex between you two. And he liked being with another woman while you were with that's woman's husband. It's a pretty common fantasy for many men (and women).

Anyway, it reads like your idea of what an open marriage is might be different from your husband's. He seemed to think things would continue as before while you believed that the two of you would see people separately. Neither scenario is 'wrong' as long as both of you understand it and agree what an open marriage means.

Time for long, honest talks!
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