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Old 12-10-2009, 01:18 AM
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lipsnlace lipsnlace is offline
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Post Polywog.

I've never been totally satisfied being mono. I guess I'm just wired to be poly. To my immense satisfaction, my fiance agrees with the philosophy behind being poly, and is happy with our decision, and has yet to be jealous. We're polywogs, though not poly virgins.

I have a friend (S) whose relationship with me has always been more flirty and affectionate than most would consider normal. I love him like I love my other closest friends. When my fiance and I made the decision to be poly, I shared this with him and he was happy for us and supportive.

The situation with S is complicated. My friendship with him is long distance, and also constrained by a pretty drastic age difference, and by a lack of time to give to each other because of school and work. We talk about anything and everything, he challenges me intellectually, and I'm happy being his friend. I adore him, and he has expressed the desire to be more intimate with me (quite explicitly). This could be a really great thing, provided that my fiance approves of our relationship, which will just require them meeting and getting along, and I'm not concerned about that hardly at all.

I've never met S in person. We met online and talk pretty much all day, every day via email and text messages. I feel like I know him better than I know some people who I consider close friends, and I've grown to love him.

The major problem, though, is that S is married. He is wired poly, but his wife doesn't like the idea and has told him a couple times that it isn't something that she will ever try with him. He isn't generally unhappy in his marriage, but he feels like he's missing something there; something that he's found with me.

He wants to come visit me to finally meet me and spend some time with both me and my fiance, and has also offered to fly me down to visit him, later on. I'm concerned that he'd have to lie to his wife, and that makes me nervous. I want to find a way to make it work, but I don't see any way around him lying.

We both will probably have to make concessions, and I just wish there was an easy solution, but then it wouldn't be worth the effort, right?

I guess I'll just have to be patient (something I'm not particularly good at) and wait and see what happens. Sigh.
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Don't try to tell me who you are; tell me who you love.

The beauty of life is, while we cannot undo what is done, we can see it, understand it, learn from it and change. So that every new moment is spent not in regret, guilt, fear or anger, but in wisdom, understanding and love.
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Old 12-10-2009, 01:20 AM
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crisare crisare is offline
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Quote:
I'm concerned that he'd have to lie to his wife, and that makes me nervous. I want to find a way to make it work, but I don't see any way around him lying.
If you're seeing him and lying to his wife, then you're having an affair and he's cheating.

If there are lies to spouses involved, then what you're/he's doing is not poly.

IMO.
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Old 12-10-2009, 01:22 AM
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I completely agree. Which is why we haven't done anything, and why I think he's going to have to talk to his wife before anything would even be possible. I don't want to be a part of cheating.

Edit: I could have been more clear. I don't see a way around his lying to his wife, which means that I won't be able to make it work and be more involved with him than just being his friend. So unless, by some miracle, she changes her mind, I'll just have to be happy being his friend.
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--Lipsnlace

Don't try to tell me who you are; tell me who you love.

The beauty of life is, while we cannot undo what is done, we can see it, understand it, learn from it and change. So that every new moment is spent not in regret, guilt, fear or anger, but in wisdom, understanding and love.
-- Jennifer Edwards

Last edited by lipsnlace; 12-10-2009 at 02:23 AM.
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Old 12-11-2009, 07:04 AM
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We're finally coming out to our friends this weekend, and I'm really excited... and nervous. A few of our closest friends already know, and have been really accepting and at least understand why being poly is right for us, even if they wouldn't want it for themselves.

But we have some friends whose families are pretty conservative and who I know just won't get it. My love and I are getting married in just over 5 weeks, and I'm concerned that they will object strongly or that they will think that we're... weird. Or something.

Well, we are weird-- and that's okay. I'm probably worried for nothing, since my friends love us. I just hope they surprise us and are accepting even if they don't understand. I feel like if I don't tell them, they won't understand the relationships we're building, and everything won't quite be real for us. We won't quite be able to be who we want to be, who we really are with the people that we love.

This is a big part of who we are, as it is for everyone on here I'm sure, and is so right for us. We want to be able to share our lovestyle with them, so we're going to just buck up and do it.

Wish us luck!
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--Lipsnlace

Don't try to tell me who you are; tell me who you love.

The beauty of life is, while we cannot undo what is done, we can see it, understand it, learn from it and change. So that every new moment is spent not in regret, guilt, fear or anger, but in wisdom, understanding and love.
-- Jennifer Edwards
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Old 12-11-2009, 07:10 AM
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Good job Lipsnlace! Why not start off open as opposed to going through the hassle of hiding and not being yourself.

Enjoy your wedding. True friends don't care how you love, they just want you to be loved
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Old 12-11-2009, 07:10 AM
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Quote:
Originally Posted by lipsnlace View Post
I completely agree. Which is why we haven't done anything, and why I think he's going to have to talk to his wife before anything would even be possible. I don't want to be a part of cheating.
.
Well -
Do you know how his wife and him define cheating? To some and emotional affair is even worse than physical contact/ intimacy. Make sure you are CLEAR that even your deep friendship is supported by his wife and his agreements.
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Old 12-11-2009, 07:26 AM
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Quote:
Originally Posted by redsirenn View Post
Well -
Do you know how his wife and him define cheating? To some an emotional affair is even worse than physical contact/ intimacy. Make sure you are CLEAR that even your deep friendship is supported by his wife and his agreements.
He and I have talked about it, and he says she knows that he and I are close friends (I was worried about that too). I trust him; he's talked on the phone with me several times while she was in the room, so presumably she'd have to be very imperceptive to not notice anyway. I understand your concern (and appreciate it, too); we've talked about it pretty extensively today, and I think we'll just have to settle for being friends. Which is too bad, but at least we'll have each other's loving friendship.
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--Lipsnlace

Don't try to tell me who you are; tell me who you love.

The beauty of life is, while we cannot undo what is done, we can see it, understand it, learn from it and change. So that every new moment is spent not in regret, guilt, fear or anger, but in wisdom, understanding and love.
-- Jennifer Edwards
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Old 12-12-2009, 08:50 PM
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lipsnlace lipsnlace is offline
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Happy news!

I shared our change of lovestyle with my brother (who is my best friend) and several close friends yesterday, and they surprised the hell out of me with how understanding they all were. I truly have amazing friends. <3

Even though most of them said that they wouldn't make the same choice for themselves, they were open to talking about it, asked a lot of good questions, and were ultimately not put-off by our decision. Instead, most of them made comments like, "It sounds like you've done your research and thought a lot about it. I'm glad you've found a philosophy and a practice that makes you both happy." And this coming from a particular friend who's pretty dang conservative in her view of the world!

We haven't told all of our friends yet, though. One newlywed couple who are friends of mine are going to be particularly difficult to tell. I'm afraid they're going to think, despite any kind of explanation, that it's just just condoned cheating. They have baggage about their parents cheating, so I'm nervous that they will automatically equate poly with that and not listen. I guess it's better to tell them now than when my fiance or I have a boyfriend or a girlfriend move in with us, right?

Now we're discussing whether (and when) to tell our parents. My dad isn't the most open-minded or understanding person, and will probably ridicule us while my mom gets pissed. Maybe we'll wait until after the wedding in case they overreact in a drastic way (mom and dad are paying for most of the wedding). My love thinks we should wait until we have a more serious other love, and just introduce them as "so-and-so's boy/girlfriend" and deal with the questions then. I don't think that's the best idea, but it's entertaining at the very least. Just picturing the looks on their faces just makes me laugh, though in a nervous laughter sort of way.
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--Lipsnlace

Don't try to tell me who you are; tell me who you love.

The beauty of life is, while we cannot undo what is done, we can see it, understand it, learn from it and change. So that every new moment is spent not in regret, guilt, fear or anger, but in wisdom, understanding and love.
-- Jennifer Edwards
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