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Old 11-12-2011, 04:06 PM
whyimhere whyimhere is offline
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Default very new and very confused

first of all my intro; im a married male w/wife and 2 children. i was introduced to a female, we started off as text buddies occasional coffee dates at first, then i fell in love with her. more coffees followed plus intimacies. she than explained to me that she is a poly. i trusted her enough to let her be known to my wife and children. only one thing is i/we havent told wife about intimicies and her poly life. i am still trying to understand the meaning of poly to thats where im confused. i know there is no set rules or really no set guides. im reaching out for others to help. thank you
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Old 11-12-2011, 07:44 PM
whyimhere whyimhere is offline
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Old 11-12-2011, 08:42 PM
lifetake2 lifetake2 is offline
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Hell, I'm fairly new but I can tell you step 1:

Tell wife EVERYTHING, NOW.

Regardless of whether your new partner is poly is not relevant because right now you are not poly you are cheating.

I can't tell you how to bridge from where you are to where you want to be; but communication is the only chance.
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Old 11-12-2011, 08:50 PM
whyimhere whyimhere is offline
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thanks lifetake2. i do realize its cheating, im sure my wife senses something to is happening, my partner suggests she is the one to break the ice, not to tell on me but to bring up her poly feelings and her feelings towards me,
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Old 11-12-2011, 09:00 PM
lifetake2 lifetake2 is offline
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Quote:
Originally Posted by whyimhere View Post
thanks lifetake2. i do realize its cheating, im sure my wife senses something to is happening, my partner suggests she is the one to break the ice, not to tell on me but to bring up her poly feelings and her feelings towards me,
Ok, if you know where you are then you know where you need to get.

This is MY opinion but I think it would be preferred by your wife to hear from you. You need to address what has occurred first, THEN you can discuss if your wife is OK with keeping your new partner. From there you decide the next steps. But this is just my opinion.

Good luck.
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Old 11-12-2011, 09:44 PM
whyimhere whyimhere is offline
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lifetake2, thank you for your replies, i am greatful , i do love both very much, but it is my other (poly) i do seem to be at one with, there seems to be a certain energy level between us, i would not have trusted her into my home to meet my wife and children in person,
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Old 11-13-2011, 01:20 AM
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Originally Posted by whyimhere View Post
10 views and no replies.
Check your sense of entitlement, d00d. People weren't ignoring you to be rude, it may just be they have no useful advice for your situation.

That said...
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Old 11-13-2011, 01:33 AM
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It's possible to move from cheating to poly, but it's certainly extra hard, because chances are very good you'll be dealing with hurt, mistrust, and confusion. Still, you're getting ready to do the right thing now, and that's what matters.

I assume that either you love this woman, or the idea of poly really resonates with you, or both, for you to be willing to deceive your wife like this. Try to figure out which it is.

Do you love this new woman? If so, then the relationship, even though it came about via unfaithfulness to your wife, deserves some respect and you should tell your wife and perhaps also tell her you don't want to end it. If it's just about sex and friendship, on the other hand, I'd suggest stepping away from your relationship with the new woman. Then go to your wife and tell her everything, and that it's ended for the forseeable future. Admit your mistakes, beg forgiveness, *then* tell her that this woman introduced the idea of poly to you and it resonated, and ask if she would she be willing to read a little about it and possibly consider it.

Third possibility -- you don't love this woman and you don't really resonate with the idea of poly, but you and your wife are having other relationship problems that made an escape seem like a good idea?
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Old 11-13-2011, 02:48 AM
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For a moment, take this completely out of the polyamorous context. Because at this point, you are not polyamorous, you're just a guy having an affair. That's how your wife will see it, and that's how I see it.

Whether the mistress is poly or not is 100% irrelevant. Your wife will not give a hoot what the other woman's excuse or lifestyle is, she will blame you for stepping outside the marriage.

There's no way that your mistress should be the one to tell your wife about the affair.

I understand she's probably trying to be helpful, figuring she "knows about the lifestyle" and can help your wife understand.

But no good can come from your wife hearing that her husband is having an affair from the mouth of the Other Woman. Your wife will be hurt and probably angry. Having the mistress present the news will likely leave her feeling even more betrayed.

My other concern is with this woman calling herself poly, and yet having no reservations about beginning an affair with a married man. While being poly does not automatically make a person honest or good at choosing partners, it does give me a sense that she may not have very much experience in the lifestyle. For her to further offer to tell your wife that she's the mistress sends up big alarm bells.
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Old 11-13-2011, 12:40 PM
whyimhere whyimhere is offline
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annabel & scrodinger : you 2 are right, thank you for your thoughts, since meeting the other woman (mistress) and being told of the poly , i had become quite confused and maybe missguided, there for thats why ive reached out, im not looking for judgment, but for answers,
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