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Old 11-12-2011, 02:50 PM
Tinyblu Tinyblu is offline
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Default Finally saw the light

and ended the massacre that I tried to convince myself was a "poly" relationship.

Things just became WAY too complicated, and the last straw was when one of the other women (the one I was actually close to) accused me of trying to sabatoge the relationship.

I do think that there generally are people out there that truly understand that there is enough energy in the world for loving more than one and with the right amount of respect and communication, polyamory is a valid relationship type that can bring happiness.

Unfortunately, I think I got caught up in a poly fuckery relationship with permission (me being the dumb one). Once my character was challenged and I saw the cattiness of the other woman, it became clear to me that this was not a healthy relationship (as you guys tried to warn me) for any party involved... although I think the guy was getting some type of cheap thrill from the potential of being fought over (in fact, I think some of his comments were the catalyst for the cattiness).

What have I learned? Poly is about honesty with oneself and the people involved in the relationship. I missed the boat on both. I personally witnessed the guy telling women one thing to their face and totally saying or doing the opposite when they weren't around which shows his character flaws as well as my own personal ones for allowing this charade to continue for 6 months.

I feel like a weight has been lifted off my shoulders. Yes, I am a little sad about losing two people and I am going through the subsequent loneliness that follows a "break up", but I know this is for the best. I'm just going to take care of me for a while and go back to focusing on my career...
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Old 11-12-2011, 02:54 PM
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Congratulations on your new insights, TB. *warm hugs* as you heal from the breakup and grow as a person!
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Old 11-12-2011, 05:18 PM
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So glad to great you did what was right for you. It ain't always easy to just know what that is, much less follow through, that's for sure. Kudos on your strength.
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Old 11-12-2011, 06:10 PM
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On to brighter things, Tiny. I'm also grieving the loss of what I'd hoped would be a poly relationship, as well as the deterioration of my marriage. Poly is so complex, and takes such a profound courage to try something outside the box, I think it makes it all the harder to go through a break-up. But you'll be stronger for the experience. Hugs.
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Old 11-12-2011, 10:07 PM
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Hey tb, sorry to hear about your woes.

Could you add a link to your story here? So people know what it is you speak of? Thanks
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Old 11-13-2011, 04:41 AM
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http://www.polyamory.com/forum/showthread.php?t=10630

He's a real piece of work. Between your post in this thread and your story, I agree with your stance that he gets off on being fought over.

That threesome the first night, sounds like it had nothing to do with you or his OSO, it's all about him.

Don't blame yourself. You're new to this and you were blindsided by his games, you really didn't stand a chance. He's manipulative and he's had practice at this. Somehow he's gotten this other poor woman involved in his games, and it doesn't sound like she's fairing much better than you did.

What's important now is that you learn from this experience. Trust your gut, believe in your rights, and don't let anyone pressure you into doing something you're not comfortable with or ready for.
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Old 11-14-2011, 04:44 AM
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Thanks for the link Schrodinger (nice to see you back by the way).

Oh ya. That guy. Shudder. Good riddance I say. Sorry it hurts Tinyblu
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Old 11-15-2011, 06:42 PM
Tinyblu Tinyblu is offline
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Thanks so much to all of you for your support! It has been hard for me, even harder because the night I decided to break things off with both, my baby brother was hit by a car.

So, not only did I have to deal with that, but I had to deal with my Southern, religious family and their ridicule and close-mindedness all weekend. I SOOOOO wanted to call HER (fuck him) and just cry, but I thought that would just start things up again.

I have never felt so alone, but I know it was the right thing to do. So for now, it's throw myself mercilessly into work and take comfort in my beautiful baby nephew. His laughter is the best medicine of all!

There's nowhere to go but up from here.
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Old 11-15-2011, 06:50 PM
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Quote:
Originally Posted by Tinyblu View Post
There's nowhere to go but up from here.
Hell yeah! Good for you and your newfound strength. Consider it a huge learning lesson and know that, moving forward, you have just fine-tuned your relationship radar with this experience. There are lots of great people out there who will treat you with respect and now you will have a better chance of finding them because you have gained more knowledge of what NOT to look for.
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An excellent blog post on hierarchy in polyamory:
solopoly.net/2014/10/31/why-im-not-a-secondary-partner-the-short-version/
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Old 11-15-2011, 09:06 PM
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Your brother was hit by a car?? So sorry to hear that. Did he survive?? How is he??

I fight those tendencies, too, to call and cry on someone's shoulder. You were right not to -- you are strong, and you can find other resources for your comfort and support. Babies' laughter -- I agree, one of the greatest.
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