Polyamory.com Forum  

Go Back   Polyamory.com Forum > Polyamory > Poly Relationships Corner


Thread Tools Display Modes
Old 11-12-2011, 05:19 AM
fulloflove fulloflove is offline
New Member
Join Date: Nov 2011
Posts: 3
Question How to be more than just friends....

I have never been in a poly relationship before, but I really think I am polyamorous. I am in a serious relationship with my boyfriend who I would consider mono but would be open to poly. He has always mentioned that he would like another girl to join us. The thing is, he is more thinking of it sexual-wise, and I would actually like to form a relationship with the other person too. We haven't 100% discussed it because the situation has never come up yet, but once it does we will sit down and talk it all over and stuff.

Ok, so here is the thing, I am in love with my best friend. I have been friends with her for close to 2 years. We can talk about anything and I feel completely comfortable with her. The only problem is that its been a platonic friendship. Whenever discussing sex related topics it never even got close to involving us. She is a very open person and is always looking for new things to try (she is pansexual). I think she may be up to join my bf and I but I'm not sure if she would want a relationship more than just friends. I really just need some good advice to bring it up to her without making things awkward and to get her opinion. I am just so confused.
Reply With Quote
Old 11-12-2011, 09:58 AM
Nighthorse Nighthorse is offline
Join Date: Nov 2011
Location: Santa Barbara, California, USA, Earth
Posts: 13
Default Confused? Doesn't sound like it.

You seem to have handled it well. You're attracted and she's of the right orientation. If I gave advice, it would be to explore that relationship with her first, or else it may only be just a "sex thing", and probably not the best kind of sex. If I were in your shoes, I'd be up front and ask her if she'd consider becoming romantically involved with me on a non-exclusive basis. If she says no, I'd thank her for her honesty and tell her how much I value our friendship. Then I'd tell her it was an open invitation. A good friend won't let sexual tension ruin a friendship. Best to let it out into the open, even if it's not going to go anywhere. Good luck in your endeavors. I hope it works out.
Reply With Quote
Old 11-12-2011, 06:55 PM
redpepper's Avatar
redpepper redpepper is offline
Senior Member
Join Date: Apr 2009
Location: Canada
Posts: 7,723

If your bf is only interested in sex with others and you want an emotional connection then I would not consider this scenario together. I would stay well clear of any threesomes like this. Maybe go swinging to fulfil his desire, if you can pull that off. I wouldn't be able to, but maybe you can.

There is a possibility that someone would get hurt. She might be like you and want a connection or she might be like him and want sex. Either way, you could get hurt because your connection will deepen and they will just be confused and dismissive of that or he could get hurt when you have sex a couple of times and she becomes more interested in spending time with you alone or falls in love with him and he has to tell her "look hun, it was just sex."

I would be negotiating you exploring a relationship with her alone. There is no reason he should be involved. He might be disappointed but that will be shorter lived and cause less havoc than the alternatives I have mentioned above.
Anyone want to be friends on Facebook?
Send me your name via PM
My blog
Reply With Quote
Old 11-12-2011, 11:05 PM
AnnabelMore's Avatar
AnnabelMore AnnabelMore is offline
Senior Member
Join Date: Dec 2010
Posts: 2,285

I think RP has some good points, but I'll diverge a little. I think that bringing up the idea of a threesome is fine if you fulfill two conditions first.

1) Tell your boyfriend how you feel about her. It's not fair to blindside him with something he thinks is casual when it's more than that for you.
2) Tell *her* that you have feelings for her (doesn't need to be a big declaration of undying love, but at least an acknowledgement of emotions) and also that your boyfriend is not interested in an emotional relationship (assuming, when confronted with the fact that you are, he decides he's still not). She deserves to know what she's getting into from all angles.

Only then can everyone discuss the possibilities openly and honestly with a level playing field, and hopefully avoid the potential pitfalls. Also, if you really do love her, then, again, I think suggesting a threesome is fine... but you and she should have the option to explore your connection one on one without it being contingent on his involvement.
Me, 30ish bi female, been doing solo poly for roughly 5 years. Gia, Clay, and Pike, my partners. Davis, ex/friend/"it's complicated." Eric, Gia's husband. Bee, Gia and Eric's toddler.
Reply With Quote
Old 11-13-2011, 03:24 AM
SchrodingersCat's Avatar
SchrodingersCat SchrodingersCat is offline
Senior Member
Join Date: Feb 2010
Location: Canada
Posts: 2,447

Originally Posted by Nighthorse View Post
If I gave advice, it would be to explore that relationship with her first, or else it may only be just a "sex thing", and probably not the best kind of sex. If I were in your shoes, I'd be up front and ask her if she'd consider becoming romantically involved with me on a non-exclusive basis.
I disagree with this advice.

She's your friend and you have feelings for her, but you have a boyfriend. Your boyfriend and you have not discussed a polyamorous lifestyle.

To go exploring a polyamorous lifestyle with someone else before talking to your partner is dishonest to both your partner and the friend.

It's dishonest to your partner because it amounts to exploring an affair.

It's dishonest to your friend because if she feels the same way about you, you won't be in a position to explore those feelings without betraying your boyfriend.

My advice is to talk to your boyfriend about polyamory and tell him that you identify with this lifestyle. Depending on how he reacts, tell him that you believe you have feelings for your best friend but that you haven't taken any steps towards acting on those feelings. Ask him if he would support you exploring those feelings as part of what you need to prepare for the threesome, in the sense that you believe having sex with your friend will bring up feelings that you won't later be able to just put aside.

It's also possible that your friend will not want a threesome with you and your boyfriend, so make sure he knows that you're not in a position to guarantee that outcome. Just because she's pansexual does not mean that she's attracted to him, nor that she likes threesomes. I identify as pansexual and poly, but I only like to be in bed with one sexual partner at a time. Pansexual means that you don't exclude any partners on the sole basis of gender; it does not mean that you want to have sex with everyone.
As I am sure any cat owner will be able to tell you,
someone else putting you in a box is entirely different
from getting into a box yourself.

Last edited by SchrodingersCat; 11-13-2011 at 03:45 AM.
Reply With Quote
Old 11-13-2011, 06:02 AM
Nighthorse Nighthorse is offline
Join Date: Nov 2011
Location: Santa Barbara, California, USA, Earth
Posts: 13
Default Good point

Good point: pursuing romance without discussion first is dishonest. But every couple has different expectations. Asking if she's interested in a romantic relationship is not the same as an emotional affair. What if she says no? No use asking your boyfriend for an open relationship (if that is what you're after) without finding out if this woman you're in love with likes you that way too.

Another good point: threesome-seeking lover and polyamory are a bit different. Not saying one can't lead to the other, but they do have different bounds. What I said to begin with about pursuing a relationship first is what I stand behind. If you love her, it would be unwise merely to serve her up as a side dish to your main squeeze. Secondary partners have feelings too.
Reply With Quote

Thread Tools
Display Modes

Posting Rules
You may not post new threads
You may not post replies
You may not post attachments
You may not edit your posts

BB code is On
Smilies are On
[IMG] code is On
HTML code is Off

Forum Jump

All times are GMT. The time now is 08:45 AM.