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  #1  
Old 11-10-2011, 10:14 AM
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Eruza Eruza is offline
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Default Should I be considering this?

I don't know much about the poly community. I'm not really sure whether you folks can tell me whether I should be thinking about getting into it, but at least I can explain my problem.

I don't need to be with more than one person, but rather, less than one person. The psychological terminology for people like me is "schizoid". In my case, it means I'm missing some of the emotions that other people have. The effect, in my history of monogamous relationships, is that I haven't had enough emotional rapport with anyone to be everything they need. I just don't understand some ranges of emotion that are common to normal people.

I'd be quite comfortable being alone for the rest of my life if I didn't also feel the need to be part of a family. I can't raise a child, for example, but I'd like to know I helped raise one. I've never wanted or needed to have the emotional health of another person as dependent on me as is typical in monogamous relationships, and in fact, I find that sort of emotional dependence too great a responsibility for comfort. My fear that I will hurt their feelings because I don't understand them is too much of a risk. At the same time, I want to know that I do have some emotional significance to others.

So handicapped, I've considered that maybe I can have a suitably small place in the hearts of others and a suitably small place in some sort of family if I'm part of a larger family than those of the nuclear sort. Does this make sense or am I looking in the wrong direction?
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Old 11-10-2011, 11:02 AM
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Are you thinking that poly relationships are less invested, less committed, less demanding, and less emotional than monogamous ones? If so, I do think you are looking in the wrong direction.
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An excellent blog post on hierarchy in polyamory:
solopoly.net/2014/10/31/why-im-not-a-secondary-partner-the-short-version/
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Old 11-10-2011, 11:37 AM
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Quote:
Originally Posted by nycindie View Post
Are you thinking that poly relationships are less invested, less committed, less demanding, and less emotional than monogamous ones? If so, I do think you are looking in the wrong direction.
Ah. This may be a good example of the sort of response that I am not able to predict because of emotional states I don't experience. I wouldn't come here and insult you by claiming that poly relationships are less anything. It seems to me that more than two people in a relationship would complicate matters exponentially.

My hope is that there is, however, a bit more room for specialization in such relationships. If there are others in the relationship who are able to empathize with each other in situations that concern my own blind spots, perhaps the relationship can continue to function when my own efforts would fail.
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Old 11-10-2011, 12:41 PM
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I didn't say you were claiming that. I was wondering if that was your perception, just to find out a little more why you think poly might be for you. Some people think poly means casual. I think "specialization" is a good way to look at how some polyamorous situations could be.

If your desire is more geared toward being part of a family, you might want to look into "intentional communities." If you joined one, you could contribute to, derive satisfaction from, and feel a part of a group but perhaps not have the stress of emotional intimacy from one-on-one relationships (that is, if I am understanding correctly what schizoid is).
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The world opens up... when you do.

"Oh, oh, can't you see? Love is the drug for me." ~Bryan Ferry
"Love and the self are one . . ." ~Leo Buscaglia "

An excellent blog post on hierarchy in polyamory:
solopoly.net/2014/10/31/why-im-not-a-secondary-partner-the-short-version/

Last edited by nycindie; 11-10-2011 at 12:48 PM.
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Old 11-10-2011, 01:37 PM
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Quote:
Originally Posted by nycindie View Post
I didn't say you were claiming that. I was wondering if that was your perception, just to find out a little more why you think poly might be for you. Some people think poly means casual. I think "specialization" is a good way to look at how some polyamorous situations could be.

If your desire is more geared toward being part of a family, you might want to look into "intentional communities." If you joined one, you could contribute to, derive satisfaction from, and feel a part of a group but perhaps not have the stress of emotional intimacy from one-on-one relationships (that is, if I am understanding correctly what schizoid is).
My perception of poly relationships is the same as my view of monogamous relationships; I assume that no stereotypes can apply to them because there must be a vast variation between each relationship.

I'm off to go look into intentional communities. Thanks for the advice!


Edit: Getting a real Wicker Man vibe off of these intentional communities. I think I'll have trouble finding one in line with my interests.

Oh, I forgot to reply to your assessment of the schizoid thing. I do have some trouble with intimacy, but I'm not as far along that axis as many schizoids are. Mainly, I'm just exceptionally good at keeping myself company and a bit blank on some emotions. I guess you could say that one-on-one relationships feel stressful to me, but it's not an intrinsic sort of stress.

Last edited by Eruza; 11-10-2011 at 02:13 PM.
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Old 11-10-2011, 02:33 PM
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I'm not the most experience person here, but I have a few thoughts. I think that you may find that you *yourself* aren't suited for poly, but that you would be a good partner for someone who is poly. Some poly people look for partners that aren't meant to be their "everything," which is rare in the monogamous world.

For example, if I am already married, but I want an additional partner, the emotional load on the second partner could be less than it is on my spouse. Poly people tend to adjust based on the situation, rather than try to fit a relationship into a pre-defined mold. The level of affection and connection that they feel to someone, and how much that person feels for them, will determine how involved they are with that person.

This doesn't mean that you aren't suited for poly, but I would consider just dating someone who is poly and seeing how that goes. If you don't have a need for "more" when you are in that situation then you don't need to go seeking more.
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Old 11-11-2011, 04:20 PM
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there is alot of discussion here on what I initially see as a very simple solution.
You could very well fit into a poly relationship, the key is a very basic concept of finding the right one. It will basically be a cpl + you and not a triad or more for that matter. You seem very open, self aware of the issues going on with you and based on that alone I would accept you into my dianamic and would be totally fine with you coming or going as you please and allowing you to be as involved or not as you are comfortable with. The key to this thought process is open communication (naturally) but one rung up from normal poly relationships. You have to practice the idea of dedication to the others by/ through your actions. "you dont come over all the time but you dont go into another house either" The ones you are involved with must understand that aspect to you and see that it doesnt mean you arent interested or feel less or that you are just using them to get your jollies off. Open up, ask around, and be up front about it. I dont know if you are a girl or guy but if you are a girl then I would be perfectly fine with the way you are. I find it rather intersting and attractive actually and it wouldnt change my level of commitment or expression of emotion toward you. No need to stress over it too much.
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Old 11-14-2011, 12:52 AM
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Quote:
Originally Posted by RSM View Post
The key to this thought process is open communication (naturally) but one rung up from normal poly relationships. You have to practice the idea of dedication to the others by/ through your actions. "you dont come over all the time but you dont go into another house either" The ones you are involved with must understand that aspect ...
The section of your post that I've quoted above is very confusing to me. What the hell is a "normal" poly relationship? And what does "one rung up" from that mean, exactly? The sentences that follow make no sense to me, either - can you explain what you meant?
__________________
The world opens up... when you do.

"Oh, oh, can't you see? Love is the drug for me." ~Bryan Ferry
"Love and the self are one . . ." ~Leo Buscaglia "

An excellent blog post on hierarchy in polyamory:
solopoly.net/2014/10/31/why-im-not-a-secondary-partner-the-short-version/
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Old 11-14-2011, 11:11 AM
RSM RSM is offline
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More than likely poor wording on my part in the effort for speedy typing. Maybe substitue 'typical' for 'normal'. It's par for the corse that open communication is an absolute must in any poly relationship. It's expected. That being said this particular situation steps outside (imo) from even that. Basically I meant that extra care should be taken to ensure that all are on the same level of understanding/ what to expect/ and how it will be handled. As far as the following sentences I tried to put myself in the same situation. If I approached a cpl and said I was interested in forming a relationship, but I am only comfortable within certain limitations that is not typical of what most people expect. They accept and we are all now in a relationship. In this situation from my perspective I would feel that I would have to make sure that they understood my character and if they are not used to it, then how would they see me? I would be interacting when I felt the need, casually or sexually either way. I still owe those ppl a certain amount of reassurance that their expendature of their emotional selves to me is not seen as me taking advantage when I would not be following a pattern that most people would expect. There is more to my thought process when I wrote that but this would turn into an essay and not a comment. but hopfully that cleared up at least the direction I meant to go.
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Old 11-14-2011, 08:17 PM
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Quote:
Originally Posted by RSM View Post
As far as the following sentences I tried to put myself in the same situation. If I approached a cpl and said I was interested in forming a relationship, but I am only comfortable within certain limitations that is not typical of what most people expect.
Hmm, I don't know about that. What could possibly be typically expected when poly is so customizable? Everyone entering a relationship has their own past experiences upon which they formulate an approach, and no one is the same. Almost any configuration and set of boundaries can be made. It all depends on the people involved. If I approached a couple to be in a relationship with them, I'd consider it a given that there is no typical expectation and it's up to us to determine how we want it to proceed. I'm not into couples but that's how I approach any relationship.
__________________
The world opens up... when you do.

"Oh, oh, can't you see? Love is the drug for me." ~Bryan Ferry
"Love and the self are one . . ." ~Leo Buscaglia "

An excellent blog post on hierarchy in polyamory:
solopoly.net/2014/10/31/why-im-not-a-secondary-partner-the-short-version/
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