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  #1  
Old 12-04-2009, 08:52 PM
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Default Non-Sexual Affection

ok...i'm not sure how to search for this exactly, so indulge me a new thread if you all will.

I've been reading through the stories and experiences and have found that for the most part, (allow me to generalize for a moment) that random sexual encounters aren't exactly poly (whether your partner allows them or not.)
Instead it seems to be more about a deeper connection first....and then a possible sharing of a sexual relationship.
But what about the other end of the spectrum? In my own situation, I'm finding myself very attracted, for lack of a better word, to somebody other than my partner, in a very NON sexual way. In fact, when i think about new friend, the fantasy is always about hand holding and cuddling.
Don't get me wrong, i HAVE fantasied about being with her, but usually my thoughts are for the most part very protective and nurturing.

does this happen often? What does it mean when your main concern in a new relationship isn't sexual attraction? Or am I misconstruing my own thoughts? Sorry if this doesn't make much sense, but I find it a bit hard to articulate.
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  #2  
Old 12-04-2009, 11:47 PM
constlady constlady is offline
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I have a deeply connected partner with whom I share an intense love bond and we are not sexual with each other.

Yes, there is attraction there but for a variety of reasons, it's best for us to refrain at this time so we do. That may or may not change in the future but we are both ok with things remaining as they are.

That may not be the same situation as you have but we are intimately affectionate, hugs, kisses, touches etc and I consider him to be one of my life partners.

Sex is a part of many intimate relationships but not all and its absence does not necessarily impact the depth of emotional connection between people who love each other.
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Old 12-05-2009, 12:50 AM
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LovingRadiance LovingRadiance is offline
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Quote:
In fact, when i think about new friend, the fantasy is always about hand holding and cuddling.
Don't get me wrong, i HAVE fantasied about being with her, but usually my thoughts are for the most part very protective and nurturing.
Nearly ALL of my fantasies about my current boyfriend in the last 16+ years I've known him have revolved around cuddling, hand holding, HUGGING, HOLDING, curling up and going to sleep next to him, running through mud puddles whilst holding hands, falling asleep while he runs his fingers through my hair staring at me, listening to music laying on the floor side by side staring at the computer... you get the picture. I have only ever had a HANDFUL of sexual fantasies/dreams pop up and only a handful of times in all those years. (no we didn't JUST have sex recently either, I took his virginity damn near 15 years ago or so).
Its just never been the KEY thing in our relationship/friendship/time etc.


Quote:
does this happen often?

Can't say if it happens often or not.
But it certainly does happen.

Quote:
What does it mean when your main concern in a new relationship isn't sexual attraction?
In my opinion (which may not be the GENERALLY accepted opinion, just mine) it means you have already established in your mind that one or both of you have more to offer then a possible good lay based on looks.

It could also mean that you crave those non-sexual things.
It could also mean you sense that she does. (you did say she right?)
Lots of possibilities-so don't automatically freak out if my guess was wrong please.

Quote:
Or am I misconstruing my own thoughts? Sorry if this doesn't make much sense, but I find it a bit hard to articulate.
What do you mean by misconstruing your own thoughts?
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  #4  
Old 12-05-2009, 01:13 AM
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Non sexual affection is perfectly normal. It's part of foreplay but also part of expression of acceptance and trust. It's just as important as sexual affection and most people (even the menfolk) crave it just as much as the sex.

So I think it's perfectly normal that you'd want this.
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  #5  
Old 12-05-2009, 01:01 PM
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thanks everybody for helping to validate what I feel for this girl. Yes, I did say "she."

misconstruing my own thoughts....erm.....i guess what I was trying to say was...am I just trying to make this more "correct" or "honorable" .... are those the wrong words???......argh...
ok, by emphasizing the more innocent stuff in my mind, am I making it more acceptable to myself in my own brain. I dont think that's what i'm doing.

Not that I think it's wrong per se to have these feelings...for somebody other than my life partner. (and no I haven't really acted on these feelings at all....but it should be mentioned that my life partner has no idea i've even considered it either)
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  #6  
Old 12-10-2009, 04:54 AM
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My spouse (husband) is older and has many years experience with "omnigamy" as he calls it. He gave it up (under pressure from an unhappy partner) one partner before me. (That is, during a previous relationship, before we met.) Then we tried with me having a lover, but that was a disaster.

Here's my question: Sexual non-monogamy is so complicated. And in fact I don't find myself right now wanting that. But I have thought of something often enough recently that I just semi-jokingly revealed the thought in couple's therapy. The thought is: Maybe I need an EMOTIONAL 2nd partner. My husband and I have deep compatibilities but also sometimes explosive differences, and his dance card of people to deal with and relate to is too full, whereas I have a few valued friends but otherwise a more solitary, I guess you could even say slightly reclusive routine.

Bottom line is that I crave deep discussion and connectedness more than he does. Maybe this is just his nature and my nature. I sometimes think meeting someone for coffee or even just a correspondence with someone in a similar boat might help meet my needs. I suppose I could try to fill the need with more friends, but my feeling at the moment is that the deeper nature of relationship relating is more compelling. (I tend to "rescue" my friends with extreme, non-confrontational politeness, and feel safer and freer to be honest with my romantic partners.)

I saw that Clove (did I get that right?) was questioning whether there can be non-sexual expressions of polyamory, and that drew me in as a place to start as I check out this site for the first time.

Now my oh-so demanding cat is purring and stepping on my lap, so I'll sign off.

Best wishes to all.

P.S. Though I have been heterosexual in my history, and more readily imagine a second partner as male, I could also imagine a woman in that role, especially as what i'm contemplating is an intimate but not necessarily sexual relationship.
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Old 01-12-2010, 07:19 PM
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been reading through this again.

Porcupine, i think trying to "define" might be part of my problem. I appreciate your insight.
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