Polyamory.com Forum  

Go Back   Polyamory.com Forum > Polyamory > Poly Relationships Corner

Notices

Reply
 
Thread Tools Display Modes
  #1  
Old 11-04-2011, 11:02 PM
Mooseknuckles Mooseknuckles is offline
New Member
 
Join Date: Nov 2011
Posts: 4
Default New to the community, seeking guidance.

Hello Forum!

I've been dating a beautiful young women for a year now and are very much in love. She's been honest with me about her bisexuality since she found the trust in me to do so. To be honest I'm pretty excited about the concept but have no pratical experience. I'm looking for any advice from those who care to take the time to share it with me. While I could just have random sexual encounters with misc third parties, it's not what we want. I'm not just going to share her with anyone. My first concern is in finding a suitable partner, as my GF is very modest and timid, so the job of finding another woman is falling on my shoulders. I've never had any problem in this regard in the past, but this is a whole new dynamic that I'm a little sheepish about. I've always treated the women in my life very well an had many great relationships as a result, most still continue to this day as friendship. I'm trying to avoid as many common mistakes as possible, hopefully with your help.

Is it wise for me to be seeking the other partner at all?

Do I ease into the 'I have a GF who'd like to meet you' conversation over time or just start with it?

Any advice you could offer would be greatly appreciated.

Thanx,
Moose
Reply With Quote
  #2  
Old 11-04-2011, 11:57 PM
AnnabelMore's Avatar
AnnabelMore AnnabelMore is offline
Senior Member
 
Join Date: Dec 2010
Posts: 2,285
Default

For the love of god, don't be these people:
http://www.obsidianfields.com/lj/hot...hart-large.gif

Further, there are some good thoughts here, from the perspective of the potential new person, that might also be helpful for you: http://www.morethantwo.com/coupledating.html

Beyond that, be polite, completely honest and open, and forward without being pressure-y. My gf's husband did the same thing you're doing and two years later she and I are still together, so it *can* work.

Also, know your audience... his approach might be too strong for some people, but he knew I was a sexually adventurous person and I'd expressed interest in them many years ago in college, so he was fairly sure I wouldn't take it amiss. He basically just said "Hey, Gia and I are finally over the debacle that was our last gf and we're ready to try opening or marriage again. You're at the top of our list for people we think are really hot and awesome and sane. Would you be interested in a threesome? Maybe Thursday? No worries if not, we'll find someone else to ask." No assumption that I'd date one or both of them, no pretenses that this was really all about me and that they weren't looking generally, just casual hot times to start... but it ended up turning into something pretty deep for she and I.
__________________
Me, 30ish bi female, been doing solo poly for roughly 5 years. Gia, Clay, and Pike, my partners. Davis, ex/friend/"it's complicated." Eric, Gia's husband. Bee, Gia and Eric's toddler.
Reply With Quote
  #3  
Old 11-06-2011, 11:33 PM
redpepper's Avatar
redpepper redpepper is offline
Senior Member
 
Join Date: Apr 2009
Location: Canada
Posts: 7,723
Default

You are looking for a unicorn? Have you done a search here for "unicorn" in the tags? Go to the search engine and have a look. I would start there. To me there is nothing like reading other peoples stories to see how it could work out.

There is a lot of couples looking for a bi woman to join them... good luck. I have never known one single time when that has worked out for the long haul, past the initial sexy NRE time. Triads that work seem to be built out of friends that all grow into it or couples that are very independent and are able to accomplish having other partners that they either share or don't...

Sorry to be a downer about this, but I hate to see couples go to so much effort for an illusion. What you are looking for seems to be just that.
__________________
Anyone want to be friends on Facebook?
Send me your name via PM
My blog
Reply With Quote
  #4  
Old 11-07-2011, 12:13 AM
Mooseknuckles Mooseknuckles is offline
New Member
 
Join Date: Nov 2011
Posts: 4
Default

@red

I'm not really looking for a 'unicorn' (stupid label I might add) at all. I've known plenty of amazing, beautiful, young bi women, maybe I'm just lucky. I fully expect this to be a complex endeviour but no more then any successful mono relationship. I'm just looking to people with more experience in such situations to help me along. I've based all my previous relationships on honesty and expect this is the best course to follow in this case. With roughly half the mono marriages in North America ending in divorce these days I find your claim that it's an illusion a little dubious. A successful relationship of any type needs the right formula to balance the equation, I'm just trying to figure out the way to work with a new variable. Just want to avoid as much of the trial and error as possible.

@Annabel

Thanks for your reply, your insight has been very helpful. I'm not the type of person to make a 'how to have a threesome' flow chart, that's f*ing hilarious honestly.
Reply With Quote
  #5  
Old 11-07-2011, 12:19 AM
redpepper's Avatar
redpepper redpepper is offline
Senior Member
 
Join Date: Apr 2009
Location: Canada
Posts: 7,723
Default

Quote:
Originally Posted by Mooseknuckles View Post
@red

I'm not really looking for a 'unicorn' (stupid label I might add) at all. I've known plenty of amazing, beautiful, young bi women, maybe I'm just lucky. I fully expect this to be a complex endeviour but no more then any successful mono relationship. I'm just looking to people with more experience in such situations to help me along. I've based all my previous relationships on honesty and expect this is the best course to follow in this case. With roughly half the mono marriages in North America ending in divorce these days I find your claim that it's an illusion a little dubious. A successful relationship of any type needs the right formula to balance the equation, I'm just trying to figure out the way to work with a new variable. Just want to avoid as much of the trial and error as possible.
Do you know what a unicorn is? Its a common term in poly... check the tags and the definition thread for more. Do an on line search if you don't want to read here.

If you are looking for a woman to join your relationship exclusively, then you are looking for a unicorn. Is that what you are looking for?
__________________
Anyone want to be friends on Facebook?
Send me your name via PM
My blog
Reply With Quote
  #6  
Old 11-07-2011, 12:36 AM
Mooseknuckles Mooseknuckles is offline
New Member
 
Join Date: Nov 2011
Posts: 4
Default

Sorry, yes, I'm fully aware of the term and it's general use, I just think it's dumb to generalize with such a broad label for such a diverse group of women. I'd say my girl and I are looking to explore the opportunities presented to us. Would we both like to find another amazing women to join as and live happily ever after? Ofcourse we would, but neither of us expect any certainties in life.
Reply With Quote
  #7  
Old 11-09-2011, 01:46 AM
Magdlyn's Avatar
Magdlyn Magdlyn is offline
Senior Member
 
Join Date: Nov 2009
Location: Metro West Massachusetts
Posts: 6,026
Default

Quote:
Originally Posted by Mooseknuckles View Post
Hello Forum!

I've been dating a beautiful young women for a year now and are very much in love. She's been honest with me about her bisexuality since she found the trust in me to do so. To be honest I'm pretty excited about the concept but have no pratical experience. I'm looking for any advice from those who care to take the time to share it with me. While I could just have random sexual encounters with misc third parties, it's not what we want. I'm not just going to share her with anyone. My first concern is in finding a suitable partner, as my GF is very modest and timid, so the job of finding another woman is falling on my shoulders. I've never had any problem in this regard in the past, but this is a whole new dynamic that I'm a little sheepish about. I've always treated the women in my life very well an had many great relationships as a result, most still continue to this day as friendship. I'm trying to avoid as many common mistakes as possible, hopefully with your help.

Is it wise for me to be seeking the other partner at all?

Do I ease into the 'I have a GF who'd like to meet you' conversation over time or just start with it?

Any advice you could offer would be greatly appreciated.

Thanx,
Moose

Ugh I have had creepy guys on ok cupid asking me to join them and their gfs for sex. I have had creepy guys on okc asking to join me and my gf for... you guessed it, sex.

I know it's every man's dream, but honestly? I am not that easy and neither is my gf. Maybe it's because were are in our mid 30s and mid 50s respectively.

If I wanna fuck a guy, I find a guy to fuck. If I wanna fuck a girl, I've got my gf for that.
__________________
Love withers under constraint; its very essence is liberty. It is compatible neither with envy, jealousy or fear. It is there most pure, perfect and unlimited when its votaries live in confidence, equality and unreserve. -- Shelley

Mags (poly, F, 61) loving Pixie (poly, F, 39) since January 2009, living together since 2013
"Master," (mono, M, 36), Pixie's Dom for 3+ years
Reply With Quote
  #8  
Old 11-09-2011, 02:28 AM
opalescent opalescent is offline
Spaminator
 
Join Date: Dec 2010
Location: US
Posts: 1,969
Default

Quote:
Originally Posted by Mooseknuckles View Post
She's been honest with me about her bisexuality since she found the trust in me to do so. To be honest I'm pretty excited about the concept but have no pratical experience. I'm looking for any advice from those who care to take the time to share it with me. While I could just have random sexual encounters with misc third parties, it's not what we want. I'm not just going to share her with anyone. My first concern is in finding a suitable partner, as my GF is very modest and timid, so the job of finding another woman is falling on my shoulders. I've never had any problem in this regard in the past, but this is a whole new dynamic that I'm a little sheepish about. I've always treated the women in my life very well an had many great relationships as a result, most still continue to this day as friendship. I'm trying to avoid as many common mistakes as possible, hopefully with your help.

Is it wise for me to be seeking the other partner at all?
Moose,

First, do moose have knuckles? I'm very curious!

Second, and more importantly, your GF may be modest and timid but this is not something you should be doing for her.

Have you talked about her wants, about why she is bisexual? Some women just want to have sensual touch with other women but are not as into sexual relationships. Some want to have sex with women but not into emotional relationships. Some are biamorous - meaning they could fall in love with other women. And there are lots more variations, as many variations as there are women. Does she want threesomes with you and another woman? Does she want separate sex with a woman, apart from you? Does she want something more casual, less emotionally involved or maybe a full blown triad where all three of you are involved together? Or something inbetween? It sounds like you (MK) are more interested in an emotional connection with a possible female partner. Does the GF share this ideal? It's ok if she doesn't know - that's a lot to figure out! And it can certainly change over time and circumstances. It's also ok if you don't know yourself what you want. But certainly talk a lot about what you individually and you two as a couple want.
Reply With Quote
  #9  
Old 11-09-2011, 11:28 AM
Magdlyn's Avatar
Magdlyn Magdlyn is offline
Senior Member
 
Join Date: Nov 2009
Location: Metro West Massachusetts
Posts: 6,026
Default

Quote:
Originally Posted by opalescent View Post
Moose,

First, do moose have knuckles? I'm very curious!
I think it's the male equivalent of camel toe.
__________________
Love withers under constraint; its very essence is liberty. It is compatible neither with envy, jealousy or fear. It is there most pure, perfect and unlimited when its votaries live in confidence, equality and unreserve. -- Shelley

Mags (poly, F, 61) loving Pixie (poly, F, 39) since January 2009, living together since 2013
"Master," (mono, M, 36), Pixie's Dom for 3+ years
Reply With Quote
  #10  
Old 11-09-2011, 09:25 AM
SchrodingersCat's Avatar
SchrodingersCat SchrodingersCat is offline
Senior Member
 
Join Date: Feb 2010
Location: Saskatchewan
Posts: 2,401
Default

Quote:
Originally Posted by Mooseknuckles View Post
I've been dating a beautiful young women for a year now and are very much in love. She's been honest with me about her bisexuality since she found the trust in me to do so. To be honest I'm pretty excited about the concept but have no pratical experience. (...) I'm not just going to share her with anyone.
When I first read your post, it wasn't clear to me that you were looking for a threesome. I'm confused, does "her bisexuality" automatically include you being there at the same time?

Speaking as a shy woman who is pansexual, I can relate to the difficulty in meeting and *eep* talking to women. I literally turn into the awkward pubescent boy when I'm around pretty girls. So I actually don't disagree with the principle of helping her find dates. People have been setting up blind dates since the dawn of time, and many good relationships have started that way.

If a guy came up to me in a bar and said "my girlfriend over there thinks you're really hot and wants to take you home, but she's shy. Don't worry, I'm not some creepy guy who's going to ask to watch or worse, join in. I just want her to have the experience because I support her, but I'll go crash at a buddy's place" then there's a good chance I would consider it, if I was attracted to her and so on.

If a guy came up to me in a bar and said "my girlfriend wants you to come home with us and have a threesome" then I would probably throw my drink in his face.

Lastly, you have to own something to share it. You may support her, encourage her, and help her... but she will be the one sharing herself.
__________________
As I am sure any cat owner will be able to tell you,
someone else putting you in a box is entirely different
from getting into a box yourself.
—bisexualbaker

Last edited by SchrodingersCat; 11-09-2011 at 09:31 AM.
Reply With Quote
Reply

Tags
triad, triads, unicorn, unicorns

Thread Tools
Display Modes

Posting Rules
You may not post new threads
You may not post replies
You may not post attachments
You may not edit your posts

BB code is On
Smilies are On
[IMG] code is On
HTML code is Off

Forum Jump


All times are GMT. The time now is 08:04 AM.