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  #1  
Old 04-17-2009, 02:20 PM
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mellsey mellsey is offline
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Default Coming out

I have a question for anyone who can help.

history first - in a quad mfmf - two married couples together with each other in a poly relationship. This is all new to all of us.

question - How do you deal with society and people you have daily interactions with? Example: my boss has noticed a change in me says I am under a lot of stress and he is worried about me. How do I explain to him, yes there is more stress, but worth every minute of it because I am happy with what I have. He won't understand or agree with the lifestyle we have. My job won't suffer, but his view towards me could change. Also, our families would not understand, but it is so hard each day not to tell them, look this is what I have and I am happy with it. I just want to shout it from the mountain side, but know that we will be frowned upon.

Any help would be appreciated. Thank you
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Old 04-17-2009, 05:28 PM
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Alhena Alhena is offline
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Well I'm going through this right now so I'm prob not much help since I'm just as confused.

I have a new bf and I've told my eldest sister and couple friends that hes married and we're in a poly relationship. Mostly i've gotten curious/good responses from friends except one who totally said it was horrible, then my sister has made it clear she doesnt aprove but shes is still being supportive and understanding, i dont blame her because i know shes doing it because she loves me and thinks the best thing for me is to have the 1 guy totally devoted me. Of course she is wrong because Im very happy with my bf hes amazing and I that makes me want to tell more people mainly my mother, (who constantly bugs me to date so i want to be like hah look at my hot sweet amazing bf)but i cant obviously because if he comes around they will notice his wedding ring which I would never ask him to remove.

I brought him on a big group date with a large chunk of my friends and a cousin, i introduced him a my bf and that was it. Everything went well, we had a great night but after he left 1 friend asked me if that was a wedding ring he was wearing so i said yes and explained, he also expressed his concern for my feelings like my sister but also understood.

Ive tried practicing with strangers to get better at explaining it, i say it casually just to see their reaction like I'll say "oh my bfs wife blah blah" whatever im talking about and only once I've gotten a negative response and it was an asshole asking since I was free to date if I wanted to hook up, he seemed to think it was all about sex which its not we have a relationship and care for each other we arent swingers.
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Old 04-17-2009, 05:52 PM
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mellsey mellsey is offline
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Alhena,
Thanks for your response. I don't care who knows that I love two guys and that one is married to another person, I want to tell everyone. It is society who frowns on us and I do not know how he (my boss) will take it. I have to work for this guy for a living and he is about my age, and owns his own company and I am worried he will look down on me and think he can not depend on me the way he does now not knowing. Our parents don't know either and that worries me too. Eventually they will find out. I quess it would be better for us to tell them than them find out through the grapevine.
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Old 01-18-2015, 06:21 PM
justascientist justascientist is offline
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Default It is about sex!

Quote:
Originally Posted by Alhena View Post
...he seemed to think it was all about sex which its not we have a relationship and care for each other we arent swingers.
It is incorrect to say it isn't about sex IMO. I know you mean to say it is both about sex and relationship but it seems too many polys are saying it isn't about sex. If it isn't about sex, you know that you could just have friendship only with the other people you are having sex with.

This bs about poly not being about sex should stop IMO. It is, IMO.

Last edited by justascientist; 01-18-2015 at 06:35 PM.
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Old 01-18-2015, 11:36 PM
KC43 KC43 is offline
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If poly is always about sex, how do you explain the asexual folks who are in poly relationships?

The intention of polyamory is to form LOVING relationships with more than one person. Sex does not have to be part of it, nor is it part of all polyamorous relationships. And people who choose to live a polyamorous lifestyle are not necessarily choosing to do so in order to have more sex. They're choosing to do so to have more *love*.
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Old 01-19-2015, 12:11 AM
Norwegianpoly Norwegianpoly is offline
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Poly, unless in an asexual contect, is usually ALSO about sex or sexuality - and love. Saying poly is about love but NOT sex makes no sense; in these matters, for sexual beeings in love, sex and expressions of sexuality IS love.

I had an emotional affair four to five years with a man I hardly ever kissed, because I did not want to hurt people around me (namely my husband, his life in girfriend and myself), it was highly sexual even though we did not sleep together even once, I remember I was so turned on by him I could come just by listening to his voice...
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Old 01-19-2015, 12:28 AM
KC43 KC43 is offline
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Norwegian, I agree it *can* be that way. But it isn't always.

Aside from asexuality, there are those who mentally or emotionally separate sex from love; sex is an expression solely of physical desire, not of love.

For those who have sex with the people they love, yes, polyamory would also be about sex, but by that logic, so is monogamy.
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Best Friend: male, 38, platonic; the one who keeps me sane through all this!
My daughters: Alt (age 19) and Country (age 16)
S2's sons: Spikes (age 9) and Beads (age 6)
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  #8  
Old 01-19-2015, 01:11 AM
justascientist justascientist is offline
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Quote:
Originally Posted by KC43 View Post
If poly is always about sex, how do you explain the asexual folks who are in poly relationships?
Easy. First,they aren't really polys in my book. Differmt, unusual, messed up, perhaps so. Second, society hates on polys on the basis that we are everything they hate, including pervs, so this is a good albeit dishonest retort to shut them up.

But this is just opinion and I very much appreciate your view as well. One thing is that some have different defs so with your defs and your examples you can say that.
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Old 01-19-2015, 02:13 AM
JaneQSmythe JaneQSmythe is online now
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Quote:
Originally Posted by Norwegianpoly View Post
... for sexual beeings in love, sex and expressions of sexuality IS love.
That is a pretty sweeping statement - do you have data to back that generalization up? Other than your own anecdotal "evidence"? I have my own anecdotes that contradict your statement (speaking as a sexual "beeing"). Are my anecdotes any less valid than yours? I didn't think so (The plural of anecdote =/= "data".). Sex =/= love in my book and vice versa. Sometimes those occur together (great!) and sometimes not (Also good!).

Quote:
Originally Posted by justascientist View Post
Easy. First,they aren't really polys in my book. Differmt, unusual, messed up, perhaps so.
You wrote a book? Making you the definitive authority on "real polys"? Maybe you are the one that is "differmt"...(Not really, I expect many people agree with you...just like many people agree that "real marriage" can only be between one man and one woman...)

Seriously though...(all pedanticness aside) I would strongly consider widening your viewpoint a bit.
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Last edited by JaneQSmythe; 01-19-2015 at 02:18 AM.
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  #10  
Old 01-19-2015, 04:45 PM
KC43 KC43 is offline
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Quote:
Originally Posted by justascientist View Post
Easy. First,they aren't really polys in my book. Differmt, unusual, messed up, perhaps so. Second, society hates on polys on the basis that we are everything they hate, including pervs, so this is a good albeit dishonest retort to shut them up.

But this is just opinion and I very much appreciate your view as well. One thing is that some have different defs so with your defs and your examples you can say that.
People who are asexual are "messed up"? As the parent of an asexual teenager, I take extreme offense to that. Asexuality is a valid sexual orientation, just like heterosexuality, bisexuality, homosexuality, etc.

I'm going to go under the assumption that you didn't intend that to be as offensive as it came across, but given that we have members here who are asexual, or who have asexual partners or family members, it might benefit you to be a bit more careful about your words.
__________________
Me: 44, cis-het female, poly
Hubby: my husband, 42, monogamous
S2: my "attachment", male, 44, undetermined
Best Friend: male, 38, platonic; the one who keeps me sane through all this!
My daughters: Alt (age 19) and Country (age 16)
S2's sons: Spikes (age 9) and Beads (age 6)
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