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Old 10-21-2011, 05:35 AM
cheryl cheryl is offline
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Default I can't believe we're trying this

I met someone, fell in love, and separated from my husband, but for economic reasons, and because I didnt want to be away from my daughter, I moved back home. I'm not sleeping with my husband, and havent since I met my boyfriend. A few months ago, I found out my boyfriend was seeing someone else, but he said he still wanted to see me. At first I was very hurt because I assumed he was leaving me and just letting me down gently, ripping the band aid off slowly, instead of quickly, so to speak, but he was very persistant in maintaining the relationship, even when I tried to break it off. So I agreed to keep seeing him.

Once I knew about their relationship, however, the other woman became uncomfortable with it all, and insisted she was "bowing out." However, they continued to see each other and continued to hide it. He said she had asked him not to tell me, but he also admitted he was afraid of losing me if I knew. When I found out the second time, I was hurt, probably more about the lying than anything else, especially since I had already agreed to it. Now the other other woman says she's ok with it, and she says she doesnt want him exclusively because she is very busy. But because of all the lying in the past, I'm not sure whether she's sincere. Maybe she is just waiting for him to fall out of love with me, or for me to get mad and go away.

This man has always wanted a relationship with two women, and has attempted it in the past with other women, but it never worked out because of jealousy. The other big factor in this situation is that he, himself, is extremely jealous and does not want either of us to be with any other man, and even gets angry if we have male friends, if anyone even calls, or comes by, etc. To me, this seems kind of hypocritical, but I dont actually have time for another intimate relationship, anyway. I can barely manage this one. (She's agreed to not see anyone else as well.) It drives me insane, though, to be accused of fooling around on him, when I'm not, and he's the one who wants a second relationship, and has lied about it.

Can this work? My biggest problem is dealing with my own feelings of jealousy when I think of them together, kissing, laughing, in bed, etc. (He claims it never bothers her, but I know from experience, the "new" woman usually doesnt feel as threatened.) My second worry is that if we disagree about anything, or I don't do whatever he asks, he will just go to her. And in some sense, it seems unfair that he always gets to feel loved and secure, knowing that at least one of us is always waiting for him, while we have to wrestle with all the doubt and jealousy. I think at some point he would like to have us all in bed together, he talks about it, but I dont think either I or the other woman have any bisexual inclinations and if I did it, it would be mainly to please him.

Do triads or vees or whatever this is,, ever work, or are they essentially unstable? Should I try it, or am I just not cut out for it?

Last edited by cheryl; 10-21-2011 at 06:16 AM.
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Old 10-21-2011, 06:02 AM
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This man has always wanted a relationship with two women, and has attempted it in the past with other women, but it never worked out because of jealousy. The other big factor in this situation is that he, himself, is extremely jealous and does not want either of us to be with any other man, and even gets angry if we have male friends, if anyone even calls, or comes by, etc. To me, this seems kind of hypocritical, but I dont actually have time for another intimate relationship, anyway. I can barely manage this one. She's agreed to not see anyone else as well.

Can this work? . . . Should I try it, or run for my life?
Run for your life!!! It sounds like having two girlfriends is something he wants as sort of a trophy for this guy. Plus, he wants too much control. He is a hypocrite. Ugh.
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Old 10-21-2011, 06:07 AM
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This man is not up on his poly. I suggest he come here and do some reading. Red flags for me are his OPP ("One Penis Policy"... you can check the tags in the search engine and see what others have written on that) and that he wants you both to be sexual with one another for his own benefit.

First of all IT IS hypocritical to ask that you don't see others. He has no right to control your lives that way. If he can have two partners, you can. Full stop. End of story... If he doesn't like it then I suggest he not have more than one partner himself.

It is completely unreasonable that he ask the two of you to sleep in the same bed with him and have sex. Sure he can fantasize about it all he wants and that is fine, but you have no obligation to do so and it is not mandatory. You can do what is right for you and I suggest you do.

Have you met this woman? Spent time with her? Have you gone about establishing a metamour relationship with her of some kind of respect and understanding? I suggest doing so if you haven't already. Knowing and being at the very least able to approach ones metamour quite often eases any jealousy or stories that go on in ones head. It is so easy to make assumptions about people when you haven't met them and don't know them.

Yes it is possible to have a vee that is successful. I suggest you do some reading here and check out some tags that interest you. There are many accounts of peoples stories that you and he could benefit from.
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Old 10-21-2011, 06:38 AM
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Anneintherain Anneintherain is offline
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Yep, it could work, for another month or two..and then I imagine you'd really want to know what was happening and then you'd be miserable.

I don't think you would be unsuccessful if you were dating a guy who introduced his partners to each other, and if he dated people who were interested in at least attempting a friendly relationship with each other, but a man who is trying to hide or keep his partners from knowing what is really going on is not going to find much success, and being one of his partners is not ever going to be easy. Truth is, maybe he's too unsure about his identity to stand firm in it, I know even my husband (20+ years poly) can feel awkward about developing feelings for others - but really, objectively I'd avoid people who aren't upfront with everybody and feeling positive about what they want be it poly or anything else.
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Old 10-21-2011, 07:13 AM
cheryl cheryl is offline
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I have met her; the three of us even sat in her kitchen and talked about the whole thing, including the idea of his keeping us both. (This was after the first time I found out.) She was pleasant and seems like a good person, and neither of us got angry or cried or said anything sarcastic. That is the main reason I think it could possibly work. But during that conversation, she said they had only been together twice a few weeks ago, because she got "caught up in the moment," but they were really just friends. I knew they had actually been together more than that, including the very night before. When I said, "but what about last night?" she looked kind of shocked, because I wasnt supposed to know - she thought they had agreed not to tell me, but he had. So even though I like her, trust is kind of an issue. I cant figure out why it was so important to her for me not to know, and if she really is ok with it now.
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Old 10-21-2011, 07:17 AM
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My answer to this is always the same - ask her out to coffee and ask
(I seriously I always take the herbal supplement Calmes Forte ahead of time, cause shit like that makes introvert-me nervous, but if you don't ask, people often don't seem to tell! - don't let worries or assumptions about other partners of your partner cloud up your head, it's good to know everybody will be upfront with their wants/needs/desires, and that is what I think makes things easier)
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Last edited by Anneintherain; 10-21-2011 at 07:19 AM.
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Old 10-21-2011, 07:40 AM
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the three of us even sat in her kitchen and talked about the whole thing, including the idea of his keeping us both.
Yes, like trophies or playthings. How nice.

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. . . she said they had only been together twice a few weeks ago, because she got "caught up in the moment," but they were really just friends. I knew they had actually been together more than that, including the very night before. When I said, "but what about last night?" she looked kind of shocked, because I wasnt supposed to know . . .
Do you really need any more red flags? Run and don't look back!

.
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Old 10-21-2011, 01:03 PM
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AnnabelMore AnnabelMore is offline
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Triads or vees can work just fine, sure. But only with people who can trust each other and show each other a high level of respect. As for this particular situation?

I agree completely with Nyc. This is not an ethical man. Things will only get worse from here, sooner or later.

He kept the affair from you initially, then lied to you about it again, even though he had no reason to. He's pressing you for bisexual contact when it's not what you want. He has no problem with living under what's obviously a huge double standard.

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Originally Posted by cheryl View Post
but he was very persistant in maintaining the relationship, even when I tried to break it off. So I agreed to keep seeing him.
Does he know how to take no for an answer ever? It doesn't sound like it.

But all that pales to nothingness compared to this --
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Originally Posted by cheryl View Post
The other big factor in this situation is that he, himself, is extremely jealous and does not want either of us to be with any other man, and even gets angry if we have male friends, if anyone even calls, or comes by, etc. To me, this seems kind of hypocritical, but I dont actually have time for another intimate relationship, anyway. I can barely manage this one. (She's agreed to not see anyone else as well.) It drives me insane, though, to be accused of fooling around on him, when I'm not, and he's the one who wants a second relationship, and has lied about it.
This is an extremely common pattern in abusive relationships. It escalates over time. At first it might seem almost sweet in a way. But as time goes on, his demands get less reasonable, he gets violent (whether emotionally, physically, or verbally), you're driving yourself crazy just to keep him from getting upset, he controls your whole life. Of COURSE he doesn't want "his" women knowing each other well (except in the carnal sense), because then they could compare notes and see how crazy he is!

Please do a little reading about extreme jealousy and the warning signs of abusive relationships. Do you really want your daughter growing up to think this is how women are supposed to be treated by the men who love them?

And y'know what, even if he never gets worse and is just a jealous jerk, I still wouldn't put up with it. Don't you believe that you deserve to be treated better than this?
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Last edited by AnnabelMore; 10-21-2011 at 01:05 PM.
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Old 10-21-2011, 03:26 PM
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The other big factor in this situation is that he, himself, is extremely jealous and does not want either of us to be with any other man, and even gets angry if we have male friends, if anyone even calls, or comes by, etc.
Sorry, I ADD`d after this point. Do you not see this as a BIG, RED, WARNING FLAG, COMPLETE WITH NEON LIGHTS ??????

Sign the dotted line if you want to be owned and controlled. These are just the things he is admitting to NOW. Wait for the real goodies down the road.
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Old 10-24-2011, 12:49 AM
cheryl cheryl is offline
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After this weekend, I think most people would just rather have affairs.

Politically correct or not, I decided to accept my boyfriendís OPP, because I canít see the logic in getting mad, just out of principle, about someone denying you something you donít want anyway. I could go out and sleep with someone else to even the score, only to end up feeling bad about myself, or starting a another ,relationship I donít even want, and disappointing yet another person.

So, okay, let's do this, I say, this triad or vee, or whatever it is. Sheís too busy with work, I have a daughter, you need more. Maybe youíre right, maybe you need two women. I stop throwing a jealous tantrum, have coffee with the girlfriend. Everything seems cool. And what happens? They start fighting. She gets jealous because I am at his place, goes out partying until 5:30 in the morning. She tells him the next day about all the guys hitting on her and how it wouldnít have happened if he had been there to protect her. She says she wanted him there, but being around me, is just too awkward. He spends the day being mad at her, jealous, and taking it out on me.

Theyíve been having this three way relationship since July or August. Iím the only one who didnít know I was in one. Theyíve had plenty of time to adjust to the situation Ė they instigated it, they worked around it. Now suddenly, my just knowing about it, and everything being all out in the open, has thrown a monkey wrench into the works. Why are people less jealous when they are sneaking around, than when everyone knows? Maybe I screwed up. Maybe i was supposed to get mad and fuck off, but no, instead, like an idiot, I say, okay, maybe this could work. I've even researched polyamourism on the internet! People say you can love more than one person and share. People say you can get over jealousy and possessiveness. Hell, she claimed she wasnít jealous of me at all, so it shouldnt be a probelm. It was only my delicate feelings they were supposedly so worried about, and that was why everyone had to lie.

So after he took me home, picking a fight with me the whole way because he wanted to drive off mad, heís at her place tonight, patching things up, and Iím sitting here, trying not to feel jealous and alone, knowing they are having crazy make up sex.

The only reason i posted anything here is that I was looking for advice on how to handle my own jealousy. I want to know how to love someone, appreciate everything about them, and not care who else they love, or worry if they love them more than me. Mono, triads, vees, quads, or any other combination one of you are in, I was hoping someone here could tell me how to do this.

Are you guys really sure about all of this polyamoury stuff? I mean, can you love someone unselfishly, enjoy your time with them, and be a part of their life without worrying that they love someone else more? Can you live day to day, sharing the person you love, their time, their thoughts, their body, without keeping score? Can a person be so secure in their own identity, to give and not worry what they are getting back, or what somebody else is getting? Or is the only way to not feel jealousy, to not care and to not get hurt, to just simply force yourself not really care about them or yourself, all that much?
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