Polyamory.com Forum  

Go Back   Polyamory.com Forum > Polyamory > Poly Relationships Corner


Thread Tools Display Modes
Old 10-16-2011, 12:02 PM
IrisAwakened's Avatar
IrisAwakened IrisAwakened is offline
Join Date: Aug 2011
Posts: 69
Default When 2 Loves Meet...???

I have been moving slowly into polyamorism, for my husbands sake. It has been going very well, no issues there! He actually has a profile on OKC now, which pleases me very much. I just had a question about secondaries..

I met a guy that I really like, just as friends for now, but I could see something wonderful about to bloom in the near future. My husband and I agreed that we want to meet secondaries before they become, well secondaries, lol. I am wondering what you guys do here. When does your primary meet your (perspective?) secondary?

He is a little uncomfortable with the idea of meeting the new guy, but he knows that sooner is better than later. I have been out 2x with this guy, so it is just in its infancy, especially as we are operating in the "just friends" category still. (Which is a very new concept for me, to "date" but to try to just be friends first, lol)

When do your two loves meet?
Reply With Quote
Old 10-16-2011, 12:04 PM
IrisAwakened's Avatar
IrisAwakened IrisAwakened is offline
Join Date: Aug 2011
Posts: 69

Oh and I forgot to mention. I have been talking to this guy online for 2 months, and only recently started seeing him in person. {Not sure if that info will help, but more is merrier, right? Lol}

Thanks you awesome supports!!
Reply With Quote
Old 10-16-2011, 12:55 PM
Magdlyn's Avatar
Magdlyn Magdlyn is offline
Senior Member
Join Date: Nov 2009
Location: Metro West Massachusetts
Posts: 4,652

Well, that depends. How does your new interest feel about meeting your husband? Is he fine with it?

It could be a lunch out, or coffee, or he could just come in the house and chat for a 1/2 hr or so when he comes to pick you up for a date. It's something you need to decide between the 3 of you. There is no standard time for this to happen.
Love withers under constraint; its very essence is liberty. It is compatible neither with envy, jealousy or fear. It is there most pure, perfect and unlimited when its votaries live in confidence, equality and unreserve. -- Shelley

Mags, F, 60, poly-dating, loving and living with
miss pixi, F, 38
Punk, 41, M
Old Friend, gender fluid
Nick, 35, M (occasional lover)
Hippie, 25 (?)
Dark Wing, 45 (?)
Reply With Quote
Old 10-16-2011, 03:27 PM
IrisAwakened's Avatar
IrisAwakened IrisAwakened is offline
Join Date: Aug 2011
Posts: 69

Very good points! The new guy is actually already married and is an experience poly-guy, which is SO comforting for a newbie. He wants to meet him and vice versa, just figuring out timing. He is a really cool guy who I think my husband would really like as they share some common interests. I guess I was just worried, how soon is too soon? I mean I have only seen him 2x IRL, and although I feel that things could go somewhere, I would hate to jump the gun and make everyone meet before we should.. ah I am just being me, worrying about future planning, lol

Thank you again for helping me with suggestions! How long is it for you guys (typically), before your two loves meet?
Reply With Quote
Old 10-16-2011, 04:46 PM
nycindie's Avatar
nycindie nycindie is offline
Join Date: Nov 2010
Location: The Big Apple
Posts: 8,783

Originally Posted by IrisAwakened View Post
How long is it for you guys (typically), before your two loves meet?
Two loves? [giggle] Only two? A few people here have more than that!

Everyone does it differently. Some people's loves never meet, some have them meet on the first date, some after a relationship has been established.

I'm solo and only seeing one guy casually right now. I highly doubt he will meet anyone else I start dating (when that happens). If I wind up with three or four boyfriends someday, maybe some will meet, and some won't. I would only arrange that if it feels like it's the right time, place, and circumstance to do so -- and if it's something all of us want. But then, I don't have a primary (and am not looking for one), so it might be different for someone who does.
The world opens up... when you do.

"Oh, oh, can't you see? Love is the drug for me." ~Bryan Ferry
"Love and the self are one . . ." ~Leo Buscaglia "

Click here for a Solo Poly view on hierarchical relationships
Click here to find out why the Polyamorous Misanthrope is feeling disgusted.

Last edited by nycindie; 10-16-2011 at 07:18 PM.
Reply With Quote
Old 10-16-2011, 04:50 PM
OpenandCountry OpenandCountry is offline
Senior Member
Join Date: Aug 2011
Location: Greater DC metro area
Posts: 101

For me it was about a month and a half. My boyfriend is a mono, though, and my husband and I haven't ever had another male in our relationship. It was strange for everyone, but once they met, they acted like old friends. I love my guys!
If your secondary has already experienced poly situations, then it could happen any time, really. Good luck, dear.
Bisexual, Hinge of a Vee with a mono boyfriend and poly husband.
Reply With Quote
Old 10-16-2011, 07:05 PM
redpepper's Avatar
redpepper redpepper is offline
Senior Member
Join Date: Apr 2009
Location: Canada
Posts: 7,683

I tend to air on the side of the sooner the better. It doesn't have to be for an event of some kind, but just in passing (him picking you up for a date for instance) so the two know each other exists and can understand the gravity of the situation... it kind of makes it feel like there are no lies or fantasies going on... this is real and we can trust each other that it is real because we have seen each other. Later there can be some event to get them together to talk casually and perhaps about boundaries and issues that might come up, if it goes anywhere...
Anyone want to be friends on Facebook?
Send me your name via PM
My blog
Reply With Quote

dating dynamics, introductions, new bf, new to polamory

Thread Tools
Display Modes

Posting Rules
You may not post new threads
You may not post replies
You may not post attachments
You may not edit your posts

BB code is On
Smilies are On
[IMG] code is On
HTML code is Off

Forum Jump

All times are GMT. The time now is 12:00 AM.