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Old 10-16-2011, 09:46 AM
knightsaber knightsaber is offline
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Default Poly with problems

HI all, I have ended up here after a very difficult time in my life and having finally come to terms with who I am and what I want, having already had it and lost it because I didn't understand my feelings until it was to late.

I feel the need to tell this story and share with people who may understand rather than those who will just dismiss it as disgusting and wrong.

I live in Sheffield the UK, I am currently seeing a married woman who I am very much in Love with yet there used to be so much more.

about a year ago friends approached me and my then girlfriend X about possibly being involved in a cross couple poly relationship. It was something we had never ruled out of our relationship and we where both open minded individuals so after some long talks we decided to give it a shot. initially it was supposed to be a once a month sort of situation but we very quickly fell into a routine of seeing each other multipul times a week, at there house or ours. or going away for the weekends together. Everything seemed fine for a long time but problems began to surface when I perceived that X seemed to be a lot happier both physicaly and emotionally when with the other guy. Partly because we where growing apart due to various health issues and home life. she said repeatedly this wasn't the case but her actions spoke more to me than her words and soon I became jealous. Looking back this jealousy became all encompassing and actually blinded me to the amazing relationship we had with the other couple. There was so much Love about the 4 of us, and I forgot to look at the good parts, my girlfriend was so much happier I was the happiest Id been in my life yet I couldn't see it.

About a month ago I decided I needed to end it with them despite still having strong feelings for the other woman involved. I ended it and my girl friend immediatly left me blaming my anxiety and jealousy issues over the break up rather than the fact she could no longer see him.

People tell me its the loss I feel from losing X that makes me feel this way but in all honesty it isn't, after I forced us apart I realized the feelings I had for the other woman involved where much more than just strong. I had fallen in Love and had blinded my self to it. I had taken X from someone she and I cared about very much and had hurt them terribly. I stopped and finally thought about the times we had shared together as a 4 and realized I shouldn't have been jealous the times we all shared together where the best of my life.

Me and X are now seperated, she is now seeing the guy involved again and I am now seeing the other woman again. she makes me happy and I can accept the relationship as it is and for who I am. I feel great sorrow for what we all lost because I let 1 thing consume me, when I should have just talked more about it and sought help for issues of anxiety and relationship with X.

I am Poly I want it as part of my Life, yet I think I may struggle to find another partener like X that accepts this relationship the way it is.

I'm sorry for the way I refer to people as the guy and other woman I don't wish to use names.
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  #2  
Old 10-16-2011, 04:53 PM
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nycindie nycindie is offline
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Quote:
Originally Posted by knightsaber View Post
About a month ago I decided I needed to end it with them despite still having strong feelings for the other woman involved. I ended it and my girl friend immediatly left me blaming my anxiety and jealousy issues over the break up rather than the fact she could no longer see him.
Why couldn't she continue seeing them and also be with you? You broke off your relationship with them, she didn't have to stop seeing them when you stopped.

Quote:
Originally Posted by knightsaber View Post
Me and X are now seperated, she is now seeing the guy involved again and I am now seeing the other woman again. she makes me happy and I can accept the relationship as it is and for who I am. I feel great sorrow for what we all lost because I let 1 thing consume me, when I should have just talked more about it and sought help for issues of anxiety and relationship with X.

I am Poly I want it as part of my Life, yet I think I may struggle to find another partener like X that accepts this relationship the way it is.
Okay, so you got back together with the woman who is part of the other couple. And your old gf is seeing this woman's husband again. But you want your old gf back, too? Is that the issue? Is there a reason why can't you talk to her about it?
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Old 10-16-2011, 05:50 PM
knightsaber knightsaber is offline
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Hi I should have probably pointed out, initially the relationship was arranged as a cross couple situation on our side, if one wasn't happy we would stop scenario. I pointed out my problems with seeing her with him and that I was feeling jealous. because she seemed to want him and not me, in actual fact it was more of a problem in our relationship that was causing my issues of jealousy. Primarily me having anxiety issues and us not spending time together because of that, the anxiety also led to me having problems obsessing over certain things. My focus on making X happy was also focused in the wrong areas and this only added to the strain. Unfortunately I was so blinded by my issues at the time I couldn't stop and look at the situation clearly.

Again I don't believe I feel this way because I want her back, I do want her back, but this is how I feel about the idea of being in the cross couple relationship and also being able to live without the restrictions of mono relationship. Its a wonderful thing to be able to have that freedom and X left me because that is what she wanted and I was holding her back from it. Its only afterward that I have realised how beautiful a thing that kind of relationship is, it allowed all that Love into my life and I fell in Love again which was a wonderful feeling. I miss X I miss the other Guy involved I miss us all spending time together that we used to.

X has already decided that my previous/ongoing issues are to much for her to live with and she no longer feels the same about me. that's why shes leaving.

Last edited by knightsaber; 10-16-2011 at 05:57 PM.
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Old 10-17-2011, 12:29 PM
Papillon Papillon is offline
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I am the married woman in question!

I've been on this forum for a while but mostly only lurked rather than posted (knightsaber didn't know I was a member when he joined).

We're currently trying to adjust to a new routine based on the new set up of relationships, which is a bit weird but I'm hopeful (I'm always hopeful - I'm an eternal optimist!). My husband also recently started another relationship with someone new, currently long-distance but may not be soon, so that adds another factor into the mix...
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Old 10-17-2011, 12:42 PM
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nycindie nycindie is offline
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Hi and welcome!

Quote:
Originally Posted by Papillon View Post
My husband also recently started another relationship with someone new, currently long-distance but may not be soon, so that adds another factor into the mix...
So, she is in addition to Knightsaber's ex-gf, whom your husband is also seeing, correct? If his ex is still seeing your husband, but not speaking to Knightsaber anymore, does that create tension among you all and make things difficult?

(Just trying to get clear on who all the players are and the dynamic)
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"Love is that condition in which another person's happiness is essential to your own." ~Robert Heinlein
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Old 10-17-2011, 01:57 PM
Papillon Papillon is offline
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Quote:
Originally Posted by nycindie View Post
So, she is in addition to Knightsaber's ex-gf, whom your husband is also seeing, correct? If his ex is still seeing your husband, but not speaking to Knightsaber anymore, does that create tension among you all and make things difficult?

(Just trying to get clear on who all the players are and the dynamic)
Yep, that's correct. He is seeing two people in addition to me, and I am seeing Knightsaber in addition to him.

There is definitely tension at the moment - this all happened very recently & we're still trying to figure out exactly how things need to be now. It's also complicated by the fact that my husband has been upset/angered by some things that happened recently and it has jeopardised the friendship between him and Knightsaber. My husband & I don't have veto power (barring any exceptional circumstances where something was really adversely affecting our relationship) and anyway he has already told me that he doesn't want to stop me doing anything in this case as long as I'm considerate of his feelings, so my relationship with Knightsaber is not at risk.

I'm hopeful that they can repair their friendship, but in the meantime our 'rule' has always been that everyone has to be able to be civil, not that everyone has to be best mates ('our' in this case refers to me & my husband - it's one of the things we agreed on when we opened our relationship last year).

Last edited by Papillon; 10-17-2011 at 02:01 PM.
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  #7  
Old 10-17-2011, 12:52 PM
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Magdlyn Magdlyn is offline
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Quote:
Originally Posted by knightsaber View Post

about a year ago friends approached me and my then girlfriend X about possibly being involved in a cross couple poly relationship. It was something we had never ruled out of our relationship and we where both open minded individuals so after some long talks we decided to give it a shot. initially it was supposed to be a once a month sort of situation but we very quickly fell into a routine of seeing each other multipul times a week, at there house or ours. or going away for the weekends together. Everything seemed fine for a long time but problems began to surface when I perceived that X seemed to be a lot happier both physicaly and emotionally when with the other guy. Partly because we where growing apart due to various health issues and home life. she said repeatedly this wasn't the case but her actions spoke more to me than her words and soon I became jealous.
This is a common concern for poly newbies (I've experienced it as well). It's called NRE, new relationship energy. The first few months of a new relationship are intoxicating. Infatuation causes all kinds of strong hormones to be released, leading to an obsessive feeling. The primary relationship can seem lesser for a while, since that relationship involved lots of day to day things (household management, illness, children, etc.).


There is an art to managing NRE. Do a tag search here on NRE for how people cope.

Quote:
I was the happiest Id been in my life yet I couldn't see it.
You were happy in your own NRE with Papillon, yet X's NRE drove you crazy. if only you'd known it would fade over time (for all of you), and meanwhile knew the coping strategies to keep your primary relationship strong while you were both in NRE with others!


Quote:
About a month ago I decided I needed to end it with them despite still having strong feelings for the other woman involved. I ended it and my girl friend immediatly left me blaming my anxiety and jealousy issues over the break up rather than the fact she could no longer see him.
So, you had that kind of veto power over who X could be with?

However, it's not over. Both of you are still seeing the members of the other couple.

Quote:
I had taken X from someone she and I cared about very much and had hurt them terribly. I stopped and finally thought about the times we had shared together as a 4 and realized I shouldn't have been jealous the times we all shared together where the best of my life.
Poly life lesson learned! By the way, it's OK to feel jealousy. Most of us do. It's how you handle the jealousy that counts.
Quote:
Me and X are now separated, she is now seeing the guy involved again and I am now seeing the other woman again. she makes me happy and I can accept the relationship as it is and for who I am. I feel great sorrow for what we all lost because I let 1 thing consume me, when I should have just talked more about it and sought help for issues of anxiety and relationship with X.

I am Poly I want it as part of my Life, yet I think I may struggle to find another partner like X that accepts this relationship the way it is.
Perhaps there is still a chance for you 2 to get back together, if you are able to educate yourself more around jealousy and NRE and show her what you've learned... How long had you and X been together before you started up with Papillon and her husband? How long had you lived together? Where are you and X living now?
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me: Mags, 59, living with:
miss pixi, 37

Last edited by Magdlyn; 10-17-2011 at 12:55 PM.
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  #8  
Old 10-18-2011, 05:41 AM
47newbie 47newbie is offline
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Knightsaber, perhaps it will help to remember that one person cannot always be "all" or meet all needs of another. I consider this the very essence of poly.

The topic which comes up from time to time when I discuss alternative relationships with "mono" friends is that I'm somehow cheating my wife by not asking for a divorce before persuing other relationships. Honestly, I think the opposite is truth. I believe the other relationships fufill needs not being met inside the marriage relationship both non sexual and sexual.

I'm new to trying to understand poly too. The one truth I have found is that complete honesty in communications both helps and hinders the journey, you have to accept that jealious is part of the emotional package. We all need to keep trying.

Intimacy without sex may be one option you could consider for starting new relationships. Everyone needs to be comfortable in their relationship status before the passions ensues. In my view, it gives you a safe corner, if challenges force changes in the relationship.
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