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Old 10-14-2011, 02:19 AM
opalescent opalescent is offline
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Default Postmortem

I thought I would start a blog about my life post-Beloved. Right now, it's going to be a sad, remorseful, and angry blog. 'This too shall pass' is what I've been told about difficult times and it's true. I guess eventually it will change into something else but that seems so far away right now.

So I guess I will update. Beloved and I broke up on Sept. 26th. She visited me at the end of August and I thought it was a good visit. But she told me in early September that she did not feel we were connected anymore, that we weren't really partners anymore. I visited her in May and she said she did not feel connected then either which was news to me. We agreed to work on our connection, figure out what being partners meant to us and if we could continue being married.

Beloved and I broke up several years ago, mostly over her wanting children and my complete lack of desire to be a parent. We were apart for almost 2 years and after I moved back to where I grew up, we got back together. Our sexual relationship never really went back to what it was before our first breakup.

I lost all desire shortly after she moved in with me - not just for her but towards everyone. I didn't feel any need to masturbate. I had no desire at all, no interest in sex. I still believe that I was going through some major hormonal changes - I was entering my late 30s and I was overweight and pre-diabetic. Her high sex drive didn't change.

But I realize now that there were other factors in my lack of desire. I never really regained full trust in Beloved - that she would stay. So I held back part of myself and I feel that contributed to my lack of desire. Also, we had a dynamic between us where she was very invested in taking care of me, and I let her - to a degree that was harmful. It became more maternal and that drained sexual tension away for me. I didn't understand this at the time. She wanted me to get counseling and I really didn't want to, because I thought it was all physical and, now I realize, I didn't want to face some painful issues. I failed her at that point. Not going to counseling over my lack of desire is one of my great regrets in life. It's one of the few things I wish I could do over in my life.
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Old 10-14-2011, 02:45 AM
opalescent opalescent is offline
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Default continued

So our sex life was problematic for several years.

Beloved had struggled to find a job in her field on the East Coast. She finally decided to pursue options in California, where she had more professional contacts. I supported her in this because it looked like the best option for her professionally. Career is very important to Beloved, more important than me actually. I've always known that she would choose her career over me in a pinch. Our first breakup was tinged with that although she never really acknowledged this. I was content to be a close second in her priorities. In our day to day lives, I never felt like less of a priority for her but I knew in a crisis she will pick her career over me.

After a lot of networking and hard work, she was offered a great job in California. Ironically, six months before she left my desire for sex started to return. I don't know why - I think partly my hormonal changes were over. I started to want sex again and our sex life became more frequent. But by that point sex between us was so fraught with emotion and tension, that it was anxious and worrying rather than joyous.

Not long after her move to California, we discussed opening up our marriage. I had told her long ago that I had trouble imagining having a completely closed, monogamous marriage forever. I had actually forgotten that I said that but she remembered it. When gay marriage seemed like it would become reality in many states, we talked over if we wanted to be married or not.

I have never wanted a traditional marriage which felt emotionally like a trap to me. I don't do well if I feel trapped - physically, emotionally or mentally. It is a powerful trigger for me. Beloved is actually quite traditional in her thinking, if not her behavior. I am not very traditional in my thinking but generally act conservatively. For example, I was monogamous with Beloved until we agreed to open things up.

Anyway, we agreed to open up our marriage.
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Old 10-15-2011, 04:10 AM
opalescent opalescent is offline
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It was my birthday yesterday - I turned 40. I made myself invite friends to dinner and I did have a good time. I'm glad I didn't sit at home and cry which was what happened the last time we broke up. (Yes, she dumped me in the fall both times.)

I was asked at dinner what my goals for the next year are. I don't have any. I was asked what I wanted to see happen in the next year. I got nothing. Nothing to say on either.

My relationship with Beloved was the foundation of my life. And I thought that was a good thing. I can and will live without her obviously. But our 'us-ness' gave my life much of its meaning, and movement. She thinks there is no more us-ness, or what there is is not worth trying to save, that it's hopeless. She might be right. It's a moot point anyway.

I have to rebuild my life and I hate that. Shitty way to begin a new decade.
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Old 10-15-2011, 09:28 AM
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BlackUnicorn BlackUnicorn is offline
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I would say happy b-day, but that wouldn't fit the mood really .

Are you and Beloved now over-over? Nothing to salvage? No couple's counseling, no nothing?
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Old 10-15-2011, 02:57 PM
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Carma Carma is offline
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Oh, baby.

All my sympathies on turning 40. It was an extremely difficult time for me. But then -- it got better. It really did!

Goals for the future? TOOO big and broad. ONE DAY AT A TIME. Be gentle on your sweet self. You aren't going to re-build anything, until you get your foundation right. So make some goals for today, so you can build on that tomorrow. BREATHING is a good start! If you're 40 and a day, and you're still breathing, you are a survivor!

You are grieving, and that takes a lot of energy. So don't expect to overhaul your entire life all at once. There is a big wide wonderful world out there, waiting for you, when you're ready. Turn on some Indigo Girls. Peter Gabriel. Breathe. Cry. Smile. You're going to be okay.
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Old 10-15-2011, 04:40 PM
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ray ray is offline
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I'm sorry that you're going through a really difficult time. My breakup last winter destroyed me but it also allowed me to rebuild. I hope that while you're grieving you can find new things in life to feel passionate about. You are the only one who can ever always be there for you. Don't underestimate the power of that.
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