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Old 09-28-2011, 02:31 AM
beginninglove's Avatar
beginninglove beginninglove is offline
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Unhappy NRE or falling in love?? feeling tortured!

hi all, so happy to be perusing this forum. i already feel better, but still feel like i need some insight on my situation.

here's the summary: i am a queer woman, partnered for 5 years. always thought i might be poly but got into a mono marriage with my current partner Alex, even though we are not very sexually compatible, thinking i could make it work. eventually i cheated on Alex and we re-negotiated and did a lot of work to improve our communication and open things up.

i am now seeing someone who started out as just a fuck-buddy, i'll call her Sam, but after having mind-blowing sex with Sam somewhat regularly for the past couple of months i have started developing feelings for her. i have tried my best to keep things as casual as possible without emotional ties but the more time and sex i have with her the more my feelings deepen.

now i am away on work travel and Sam has another fuck-buddy staying with her from out of town and i feel awful. i have this terrible craving/withdrawal feeling and terror that Sam is off with someone else and this whole thing has taken on this intense prominence in my mind. i have even avoided Sam's phone calls while i've been away because i've felt so vulnerable and didn't want to break down or get intense with her on the phone while she has someone else staying with her.

i'm trying desperately to try and figure out what this means, what i want, and what i should do. i read another thread about how its not really possible to feel NRE for more than one person at a time, and now i feel obsessed with the idea that maybe i am in this alone and she is off falling in love with someone else, who is somewhat more available to her since i have a lot of agreements i have to honor with my primary partner that sets a lot of restrictions on how much time i have been able to spend with Sam.

Am I just being ridiculous and obsessive? is this how NRE just is? i have talked to Alex a bit about how I am feeling but feel terrified to talk to Sam about it, for fear of totally freaking her out. She has said she is content with this arrangement, has a hard time with missing me sometimes but thinks its worth it.

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Old 09-28-2011, 03:46 AM
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AnnabelMore AnnabelMore is offline
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Try thinking about it this way. What if everything was exactly the same except you were single. What would you do and think then? It's ok to be falling for someone when you thought it was just going to be casual, it happens to people both poly and mono all the time.

The fact that she says she has a hard time missing you makes me think she won't freak out if you let her know that you might be crushing out on her just a little. Let her know that you really like her and ask if she'd like to go out for coffee sometime (you don't even have to call it a date).
Me, 30ish bi female, been doing solo poly for roughly 5 years. Gia, Clay, and Pike, my partners. Davis, ex/friend/"it's complicated." Eric, Gia's husband. Bee, Gia and Eric's toddler.
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Old 09-28-2011, 04:49 AM
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nycindie nycindie is offline
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I think a lot of the time, people who want to keep things casual really want to keep things casual. I am still a bit broken-hearted about a guy I was seeing who wanted it to be FWB and when I told him of the deeper feelings I had for him, he broke it off. Upsetting, to say the least. I am not projecting my relationship onto yours, but I know that around that time, I was starting to feel this frantic longing for him, it was torture when I didn't see him for a while, and when I look back on it, I see I was a bit out of control. Now I'm not sure I was falling in love with him. The sex was so-o-o-o good, probably the best I'd ever had at that point, and I was obsessed. Or possessed, maybe, LOL.

I think you should do what you can to get both feet on the ground. Use the time apart to take care of you, connect with Alex, cultivate a fuller sense of satisfaction within yourself, and get some exercise to dissipate some of your energy. Try connecting with more people around you, and do fun things that you love, so that you aren't hanging on every moment you will have with Sam as the be-all and end-all. Eventually you will just settle into a feeling of okayness. It will still be exciting, but not all-consuming if you work at it. Just try not to give in to that frenzied neediness.
The world opens up... when you do.

Oh, oh, can't you see? Love is the drug for me. ~Bryan Ferry
"Love is that condition in which another person's happiness is essential to your own." ~Robert Heinlein

Last edited by nycindie; 09-28-2011 at 06:49 AM.
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Old 09-28-2011, 06:37 AM
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redpepper redpepper is offline
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Yes I think you are obsessed. Is that a bad thing? No, I don't think so. Its what us humans do... The thing is though that the part of your obsession that says that she is yours; "how could she possibly..." or "how could this other person think that they could be near her like I am" is what needs to be addressed. She is her own person and you yours. She is not yours to keep close. You can have close moments when you are together and even over text, but she is capable and going to have them with others too. Just as you can and have.

I also suggest you concentrate on yourself and your other relationships of every kind. Its important, I think, to keep a balance of all things in life and it sounds like your balance needs a bit of re-balancing.

If I were in your situation I think I would call her up in a good moment and wish her well with her guest and tell her you will see her when you get back. Then I think I would text her every day, say hi, put lots of smileys on there and say what you are doing and wait it out until you get home and then some. I think I would go home and concentrate on what I have been neglecting as a result of the NRE of having this woman in your life and try not to obsess about her. Then I would see her for coffee, a meal, whatever and ask her how her time went and catch up... see how you feel and ease back in or pull away accordingly... if you feel like you want to ease back in I think I would then tell her what went on for you and how you feel about her and see how that goes.
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Old 09-28-2011, 05:31 PM
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River River is offline
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How are things with Alex? He/she (?) gets only a brief mention, which centered on sexual incompatibility. I get the impression you're not happy being with Alex. I could be way off the mark, though. Who knows?

Playing with Sam seems like playing with fire. This is exactly why I don't do the fuckbudy, casual sex, thing. If the sex is good then I'm emotionally involved. If I'm not emotionally involved, the sex is no good (for me!). If it is a relationship I want, with sex included, then it's best to start out as good friends (for me!).

Maybe you can transition from sex buddies to love partners. Maybe not. But what is the deal with Alex? Where does Alex fit in to this picture?
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Old 09-28-2011, 07:19 PM
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Magdlyn Magdlyn is offline
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First of all, it's not impossible to be in NRE with 2 people at the same time. Of course, unicorns in triads can feel this. I also felt it, not as a unicorn, but when I had been with my current gf for 3 mos, I met a guy and had NRE for him as well.

Just sayin.'
Love withers under constraint; its very essence is liberty. It is compatible neither with envy, jealousy or fear. It is there most pure, perfect and unlimited when its votaries live in confidence, equality and unreserve. -- Shelley

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Old 10-28-2011, 07:24 PM
AutumnalTone AutumnalTone is offline
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Originally Posted by beginninglove View Post
...i read another thread about how its not really possible to feel NRE for more than one person at a time....

That notion is pure bullshit. It may be true for some individuals--it certainly isn't true universally.
When speaking of various forms of non-monogamy...it ain't poly if you're just fucking around.

While polyamory, open relationships, and swinging are all distinctly different approaches to non-monogamy, they are not mutually exlusive. Folks can, and some do, engage in more than one of them at a time--and it's all good.
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boundaries, co-dependence, co-dependency, compromise, coupledom, dependancy, nre, separation anxiety

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