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  #1  
Old 09-20-2011, 02:16 AM
Tinyblu Tinyblu is offline
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Default Maybe I'm NOT so Poly

Ok.. I AM SO PISSED OFF RIGHT NOW!!!!!

...so I think I have done a relatively good job with dealing with this whole Poly lifestyle. I have even recovered from being put into some not-so-pleasing situations with the guy I am involved with. I have been aware the entire time that we have been seeing each other that he dates/fucks other women, and for the most part I have dealt with it relatively well (even after being thrown into a spontaneous threesome that I didn't consent to)

I had noticed that his actions towards me had started to waiver (he started getting a little inconsistent with his communication) and OF COURSE I new it was because he had a new toy (does he think I'm stupid?). I kept it cool and let him dig his own hole as men usually do.

I did address his inconsistency and he did respond by comminicating with me more, etc. I was OK with that... until I got a chat request from his new toy via email!!!!

Let me go back for a second. It's a good thing he discloses his "poly" lifestyle because I noticed the new girl's email address in some correspondence he sent to me, and as any curious woman would do, I did my research (Google and Facebook Friend Finder is your friend). HOW TACKY IS THAT?? DID HE NOT THINK I WOULDN'T NOTICE THE NAME??

So... I at least knew what she looked like, but that's all I needed to know. I didn't expect her to try to contact me.

I DON'T WANT TO GET TO KNOW HER!! I FEEL LIKE SHE VIOLATED MY PRIVACY BY EVEN ATTEMPTING TO CONTACT ME!!! I AM BEYOND FURIOUS!!!

In fact, I am so furious that I didn't even answer his phone call tonight because I knew I would GO there. I so want to scream at him and say tell your other bitch not to contact me!!!

Chill chick has been replaced by pissed chick, and I know it's just a matter of time before I bring it up. When I get pissed off I become the queen of sarcasm. Seriously, I just want to back out of the whole thing now or just find another guy to parade around in his face to see how HE likes it.

I am so venting right now, but I am SOOOOOO PISSED!!!!! This is my first time actually experiencing jealousy and it is NOT pretty. Please advise veterans. Did I get in over my head?

I am normally not a jealous person, but I feel like she stepped over the line...
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  #2  
Old 09-20-2011, 02:19 AM
NeonKaos NeonKaos is offline
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Did you tell her not to call you or contact you anymore, and did she continue?

If yes, you have my permission to be pissed.

If no, do it next time and then come talk to us.

You're not doing anyone any favors being pissed about this. It's a situation where you have choices to make, and responsibility to take for how YOU handle it.
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  #3  
Old 09-20-2011, 02:35 AM
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BrigidsDaughter BrigidsDaughter is offline
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So, it's not invasion of her privacy that you found her on FB though an cc'd e-mail; but it is that she sought you out, perhaps to make sure that you actually did know about her? Honestly, how is that fair? You need to be clear with your guy (and if you don't want to talk to his OSO's ask him to be clear with them) that while you're okay with him being poly; you'd prefer a DADT (don't ask, don't tell) policy.
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Old 09-20-2011, 03:19 AM
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AnnabelMore AnnabelMore is offline
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What if what she wanted to say was -- "Hey, I know you don't know me but we share the same man and I felt like I needed to tell you... [he has a disease][he says cruel things about you and I don't think it's cool at all][that if you ever want to talk I'm here][that I understand if you don't want to be friends, but if you wanna hang out sometime I think we might have a lot to talk about]."

I mean, why get so mad when you don't even know what she wanted?
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  #5  
Old 09-20-2011, 04:33 AM
Tinyblu Tinyblu is offline
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Quote:
Originally Posted by AnnabelMore View Post
What if what she wanted to say was -- "Hey, I know you don't know me but we share the same man and I felt like I needed to tell you... [he has a disease][he says cruel things about you and I don't think it's cool at all][that if you ever want to talk I'm here][that I understand if you don't want to be friends, but if you wanna hang out sometime I think we might have a lot to talk about]."

I mean, why get so mad when you don't even know what she wanted?
Because I was being petty. Sometimes it's hard for me to acknowledge that I'm sharing. I take comfort in out of sight, out of mind, and her contacting me made her REAL. You're absolutely right. I am WAY over-reacting on this one.
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  #6  
Old 09-20-2011, 04:59 AM
Tinyblu Tinyblu is offline
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Default UPDATE: Total Over Reaction

...so after reading some of the advice, I decided to call my guy and talk to him (ignoring his call was rather juvenille). I told him (calmly) I was upset about an email I received from ____ (said her name) and began a rant about me not needing to know about his "escapades" (I actually used that word), and not wanting to be contacted by one of his "toys".

That's when he informed me (calmly) that the woman was actually not a toy at all...she's a co-worker. The emails that I received often had something to do with his job and her name just started showing up recently because she just returned to work...from maternity leave!!!! I was SOOOOOO embarassed!

The great thing about yet another one of my meltdowns was that the important question got asked and answered... where is this coming from?

As much as I hated to admit it to him, I had to let him know that I am feeling insecure in the relationship. Being one that always tries to appear play it cool all the time, I hate admitting vulnerability in that area. I admitted to him that I am afraid he's going to leave.

Though I didn't tell him, I am starting to get emotionally invested in this guy. I started off thinking I could just be OK with a sexual relationship and get wined and dined in the process, but I am starting to have feelings for him, and I am TERRIFIED!!!!! My last relationship ended very painfully when the guy dropped me (as I perceived it) out of the blue. I never saw it coming because I was so happy with that man. After that heartbreak I vowed to never feel that way again. It took me a year to get over that.

So, here I am again recognizing that this is more than the casual, sex thing I have tried to convince myself it is and I am working diligently to push him away before I am too far gone.

...he really re-assured me that he's not going to leave and let me know that he understood that since I am new to this lifestyle that things are going to come up, and that it's OK for me to communicate those things to him, that he won't think I'm psycho-bitch for feeling. That helped a lot.

He also reminded me of lessons he's learned, namely from the awkward threesome episode. He said he would NEVER try to force me into indulging a fantasy of his nor would he ever just spring someone on me ever again. He assured me that if someone significant entered his life, he would make sure I am well informed about her and we would make the decision together about how we would introduce her into our lives, and it would NEVER be a requirement for me to enter a sexual relationship with her (He joked that he's done with the Hugh Hefner ideal.). That made me feel a lot better.

So... a not so great way to learn a lesson (I'm sure he could have done without the meltdown or Columbo stunt), but this just reconfirms that I gotta open my mouth, not just with him but in a LOT of situations, and learn not to feel bad for saying what I feel. NOT saying what I feel is proving to be the most detrimental...

OK... shutting up now. Thanks for letting me get things off my chest (again)
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  #7  
Old 09-20-2011, 05:34 AM
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nycindie nycindie is offline
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Quote:
Originally Posted by Tinyblu View Post
Actiually I don't dismiss anything. I take advice not ridicule which is something you are notorious for.
I never ridiculed you. I have made sincere efforts, in a no-nonsense manner, to point out behaviors of this guy's and yours that are detrimental to your well-being in this relationship. Others have told you the same things I have, and just as directly. Go re-read a few of the responses to your "Should I Say Something" thread. I am not the only one who has communicated harsh words to you that you needed to hear. Obviously, others beside myself felt you needed something to shake you up.


Quote:
Originally Posted by Tinyblu View Post
. . .have you always been a cynical, mean person?
Nope, never have been cynical or mean. That's your perception. I guess you only want people to respond with very gentle, sweet answers. Maybe you should post in the Blog section, then, and not in the forum sections where debate and criticism are allowed.


Quote:
Originally Posted by Tinyblu View Post
My goodness! CHILAX!!!!
I am very relaxed, thanks. You're the one posting in caps and exclamation points, LOL.

Look, whenever anyone reads my posts, they should just imagine me sitting next to them with a firm but tender hand on their arm, giving them a tough-love approach, with a look of concern in my eyes and a soft but assertive tone of voice. I don't sit here spending all this time answering posts on a fucking message board because I don't give a shit or just want to be a douchebag. I have better things to do with my time and energy than to yank people around. Anything I say comes from a place of concern and caring.

Quote:
Originally Posted by Tinyblu View Post
I'm sure you are very well versed in Polyamory, but your negativity has exceeded my threshold . . .
Nope, not well-versed in poly. I only pointed out things that common sense in any relationship would tell me. I was never negative, I was just holding up a mirror (so to speak) by mentioning things that it seemed you were doing that were working against your benefit, or issues that would be helpful to look at.


Quote:
Originally Posted by Tinyblu View Post
As they say in the south where I'm from. If you can't say SOMETHING nice, don't say anything AT ALL!!!!!
Well, I'm from NYC where we tell it like it is, and don't waste energy prettying up the reality of a situation for people. Relationships are hard, poly is tricky. You can't be a southern belle about this stuff. You got yourself in a situation, complained about a lot of it, and didn't seem to acknowledge many of the responses you got. If you've found it helpful to come here, I am truly glad. I hope it keeps getting better for you, though I have a feeling that you won't realize there are plenty of good men out there while so focused on this one. You say you are learning to communicate more effectively with him, so that is a really great move in a good, healing direction.
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Last edited by nycindie; 09-20-2011 at 09:14 AM.
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  #8  
Old 09-21-2011, 02:19 AM
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River River is offline
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Quote:
Originally Posted by Tinyblu View Post
As much as I hated to admit it to him, I had to let him know that I am feeling insecure in the relationship. Being one that always tries to appear play it cool all the time, I hate admitting vulnerability in that area.
This level of truth ("disclosure") is what serious poly folk are shooting at. Or maybe it's just what real lovers (in the sense of people in love, not the cheapened sense of that word) should hold as their ideal. "They" call it "vulnerability," and when both (or more) parties welcome such "disclosures" with empathy, compassion, tenderness, understanding..., You're in luck! (If they are creeps, your luck just ran out.)

I had a similar occasion with one of my sweeties, recently. I'm one of the lucky ones.
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Old 09-20-2011, 02:38 AM
AutumnalTone AutumnalTone is offline
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Quote:
Originally Posted by Tinyblu View Post
I DON'T WANT TO GET TO KNOW HER!! I FEEL LIKE SHE VIOLATED MY PRIVACY BY EVEN ATTEMPTING TO CONTACT ME!!! I AM BEYOND FURIOUS!!!
.
How, exactly, did she violate your privacy? Did she read your diary? Did she post pix of you having a quiet, little dinner with your bf when you wanted to keep it secret? I'm failing to see how she violated anything.

Unless you had contacted previously and told her to not contact you...had you done that? If not, it's entirely unreasonable to expect her to read your mind. Indeed, it is quite common for folks to want to at least meet metamours, so her emailing you comes as a friendly--and entirely reasonable--overture.

And then why would you get pissed at him for her not reading your mind? What in hell did he have to do with it? And how is not answering his call going to communicate anything to anybody?
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  #10  
Old 09-20-2011, 02:56 AM
Jade Jade is offline
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It sounds like she didn't really invade your privacy (just that she's as clever at putting two and two together as you are), and that the bottom line is you don't want her to be part of your life. Remember, the jealousy is about what she represents, not about who she is as a human being. Recognize your feelings as being just that.

Frankly, it sounds like you're just really, really angry: at him for being tactless in his enamorment, at yourself for getting sucked into it, and at the other person for having this impact on you. Be careful though, to not mentally convict this other person of some crime she has not committed and behave as if she has. There is a line between feeling jealousy and acting petty.

It's totally okay to take time to yourself if you can't talk to him. It's okay to not want to talk to her. It sucks that this is hurting you, and honestly, I feel for you. Some sleep will help you clear your head. Be strong. No one can look out for you better than you can.
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