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Old 09-16-2011, 12:25 PM
naughtybird naughtybird is offline
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Default Feel guilty for even thinking about it

Okay, so I have a healthy marriage, we have been together for 4 years total. It's not perfect, but nothing too major. He's a germaphobe so he doesn't french kiss or give oral, both of which I miss. His sex drive doesn't match mine, and I'm sick of being rejected for sex. He is also prone to quitting jobs, and he doesn't make much money when he is working. I really want to have kids, but I'm concerned about finances.

When I first met some new friends, and they were talking about polyamory I was surprised and thought it was weird and icky. I told my Husband about what my new friends were saying ask asked what he thought about it. He said hell no, he would not be interested in doing that. I didn't want to either, I was just curious.

But then, I met somebody who I get along with really well. We have so much in common it's crazy. I usually go with my new friend to group events, and leave my Husband at home because he's more introverted these days. Once the three of us hung out and that was fun. New guy keeps on bringing up polyamory, though he hasn't actually said he wants to try it. He is currently single and has actually never had a girlfriend, only dated. We seem to have the same goals in life, and dream life style. I get the impression that he wants to have a MFM V relationship with me, though I can't know for sure without asking him. But, way to make it awkward and ruin a potentially great friendship.

On my part, I'm not flirting at all. Any time he brings up poly I talk about it disparagingly. But, that thought is in my head. I'm not sexually attracted to him, but that's not odd for me. It's all about the intellect, personality and common interests with me, and I could see myself digging him. The thing that I like most about him is that he makes a lot of money, I will fess up to it. I have this fantasy of taking him as a second husband and raising children together. The three of us sharing responsibilities making it easier on all of us. With him I could live a less stressful life with his financial backing.

I think I should stay platonic with him for quite a while more, get to know him much better. Who knows, our personalities might not be as well suited as I thought. But, I feel bad for even having these thoughts, even though I'm not DOING anything to betray my Husband. If I ask my Husband if he would consider it he would probably get insecure, jealous and not want me to go out with this guy any more. Which would suck. Meanwhile I don't even know if the new guy actually likes me that way, or if it's just my imagination. But if I ask him straight out, that will be like betraying my Husband, and you can't just put it back in the box once it's out there. I think I could handle my emotions, I'm not a very sensitive person, but how could I know. If we open the relationship and he starts dating somebody else I can't know how I will react. If we do start this relationship and it works out and we have children together, what is to say that we won't break up in the future and what a mess that will be! I feel like it's a silly pipe dream with way too much risk to attempt, but I'm tempted.
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Old 09-16-2011, 05:08 PM
ImaginaryIllusion's Avatar
ImaginaryIllusion ImaginaryIllusion is offline
Join Date: May 2009
Location: Canada
Posts: 2,011

Fantasies are just fantasies...and should be nothing to be ashamed of (despite what some overly conservative up tight advice columnists will tell you).

That said it sounds like you're thinking about playing with fire, and I expect you won't like other people's estimations of the realistic chances. But better to prepare yourself now than to wait for the surprise when the jack in the box pops.

Welcome to the Forum.
“People who say it cannot be done should not interrupt those who are doing it.” - Chinese Proverb

-Imaginary Illusion

How did I get here & Where am I going?
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Old 09-16-2011, 07:07 PM
jasminegld jasminegld is offline
Join Date: Dec 2009
Posts: 81

Have you considered asking your husband to attend a polyamory conference with you? Just for the information and to meet people, see what they are like. Or a local poly group Meet and Greet?

Upcoming conferences:

Poly Living, February 2012, Philadelphia PA

Atlanta Poly Weekend, March 2012, Atlanta GA

Open SF Conference, June 2012, San Francisco CA
Still in the planning stages


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Old 09-17-2011, 03:56 AM
MichelleZed MichelleZed is offline
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Join Date: Aug 2011
Posts: 194

So you're considering cozying up to a rich guy you're not attracted to because you think he might pay for some kids?

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Old 09-17-2011, 04:02 AM
NeonKaos NeonKaos is offline
Join Date: Apr 2009
Location: new england
Posts: 3,217

Originally Posted by MichelleZed View Post
So you're considering cozying up to a rich guy you're not attracted to because you think he might pay for some kids?


Not a novel concept at all.

I think a "rich guy who will pay for some kids" is better than a lazy guy who won't pay for anything and won't even fuck you, but that's just me. I'm not mainstream.

Last edited by NeonKaos; 09-17-2011 at 04:05 AM.
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Old 09-17-2011, 12:44 PM
dingedheart dingedheart is offline
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Join Date: Jan 2011
Posts: 1,501

How is a germaphobe going to be good with sharing his wife sexually? I'm guessing he'd never want to touch you again. Unless that's the plan.

You say healthy relationship ....but I see some cracks at the very least.

In this new dynamic what's your husbands new role.....disinfectant cleaner guy...why would the other guy want to support him too.
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