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Old 09-14-2011, 12:07 AM
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RaspberrySurprise RaspberrySurprise is offline
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Default Would like advice from other married women

Hello

My husband and I are thinking about including another person in our relationship. I want my husband to be happy which is why I am seriously considering this. I don't really have any set ideas of what a poly relationship could be like which is why I am asking questions.

I kind of want to know why other women in the same circumstances as myself became polyamoros. Did they feel jealous at anything in particular and by how much. I would like to know if anyone regrets their decision to become poly.

I would like to know what really worked for other married women in a poly relationship. I would also like to know what big differences they have noticed between the monogamous marriage they had in the past and the poly relationships they have now.

I realise there are FAQ's with information about this, but I would prefer to hear from people and their own experiences, rather than read from a textbook.

I would be grateful for any responses. Please feel free to PM me if you would prefer not to share your response with the rest of the world.

RS
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Old 09-14-2011, 12:45 AM
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Originally Posted by RaspberrySurprise View Post
My husband and I are thinking about including another person in our relationship. I want my husband to be happy which is why I am seriously considering this. I don't really have any set ideas of what a poly relationship could be like which is why I am asking questions.
Hi! Some questions...

Can you explain what you mean by " including another person in our relationship?" I know you say you don't have any set ideas about it, but the way you worded it is a bit vague. So, do you know what it is you are considering? Are you saying that you are willing for him to pursue another relationship? Or are you saying you want a third person to join you as a couple and have a relationship with both of you? Do both of you share the same vision of what you want? Also, you say you want your hubs to be happy. Is he unhappy now? If so, are you looking at polyamory as a way to fix problems?

Just need some clarity. Thanks.
__________________
The world opens up... when you do.

"Oh, oh, can't you see? Love is the drug for me." ~Bryan Ferry
"Love and the self are one . . ." ~Leo Buscaglia "

An excellent blog post on hierarchy in polyamory:
solopoly.net/2014/10/31/why-im-not-a-secondary-partner-the-short-version/

Last edited by nycindie; 09-14-2011 at 12:47 AM.
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Old 09-14-2011, 02:21 AM
Jade Jade is offline
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Hmmmm... Scratch everything I posted.

"We have been together for more than 15 years. The sexual side of our relationship has never been very good because he is more interested in sex than me. I would much rather have a cup of tea and browse facebook, or catch up on my sleep than have a marathon sex session."

It sounds like you're content with the sexual relationship, and he's not. Fair enough. Lots of relationships have this challenge.

"It came to light about 10 years ago that he is interested in S&M, this compounded the problem for us as he has a definite need for something that I cannot give him. I am not really that interested in being a submissive."

"Gotcha.

"Basically he has needs that I can't fulfil and it doesn't seem fair for him to have to live his life without that kind of happiness."

We all deal with stuff that's inequitable. I applaud, however, your consideration of allowing him to experience that happiness outside of you.

"The question of another person came up."

How?

"He would like me to help choose this person and know them as a friend. I know I have a high propensity for jealousy and have a huge problem with the idea of him with someone else. But what choice to I have realistically?"

This is the loaded part. Is he looking for a love relationship (poly) or a no strings attached sexual relationship (fuckbuddy) or a friend with benefits (something inbetween)? How do you feel about those three options? What is your jealousy triggered by? If the mere thought of him having sex with someone else is the problem, I wouldn't recommend you pursue any of the above. I wonder why he wants you to be friends with the person. That could be important if he's looking for a poly relationship or "fwb," but not so much if he just wants an occasional sex toy.

You seem to be okay with the idea of him having a strictly sexual outlet. Am I misreading that?

Last edited by Jade; 09-14-2011 at 02:13 PM. Reason: better understanding of original poster's intent
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Old 09-14-2011, 03:10 PM
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Originally Posted by Jade View Post

"The question of another person came up."

How?

"He would like me to help choose this person and know them as a friend. I know I have a high propensity for jealousy and have a huge problem with the idea of him with someone else. But what choice to I have realistically?"

This is the loaded part. Is he looking for a love relationship (poly) or a no strings attached sexual relationship (fuckbuddy) or a friend with benefits (something inbetween)? How do you feel about those three options? What is your jealousy triggered by? If the mere thought of him having sex with someone else is the problem, I wouldn't recommend you pursue any of the above. I wonder why he wants you to be friends with the person. That could be important if he's looking for a poly relationship or "fwb," but not so much if he just wants an occasional sex toy.

You seem to be okay with the idea of him having a strictly sexual outlet. Am I misreading that?
Hi Jade

We had tried relationship therapy, talking and s&m. It was his suggestion but it is a logical choice if you take the negative emotion out of it for me that is!

He doesn't want a no strings attached relationship, he wants an open and honest "love" one. It is the thought of not being special that makes me feel jealous. Having to share him. Knowing that I wasn't enough. Of course the thought of him just physically having sex with someone makes my blood boil too. Which is weird seeing as I don't have a high sex-drive myself.

I would rather that if it has to happen that he just goes off and has affairs and didn't talk about them, but I know that I wouldn't in reality be 100% okay with that either.
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Old 09-17-2011, 08:06 PM
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Originally Posted by RaspberrySurprise View Post
It is the thought of not being special that makes me feel jealous. Having to share him. Knowing that I wasn't enough. Of course the thought of him just physically having sex with someone makes my blood boil too. Which is weird seeing as I don't have a high sex-drive myself.
There is so much great advice here, but let me add my own comment. Regardless of what is going on, as long as he wants you as his wife, as long as he still loves you, you ARE SPECIAL. No matter who is involved, you are still his wife. You have so many options, but I would advise, like everyone else here, that you keep open communication. If you are uncomfortable with BDSM, this does not mean that you were "not enough". It simply means that he has needs you do not provide. This is not a fault on your part. Please remember this. Some people are just wired differently. It is a true heartache when two people who are wired so differently get married and are unable to figure out a happy medium. So many people break up over this very thing regardless of whether they are mono or poly. Some things, you don't find until after the marriage takes place. I think it's also important to remember as well, that this is probably something he does need. Funny thing...I have talked to so many people who have this strange idea that poly people aren't jealous. *laughs* I'm sure everyone here would agree that it isn't true. However, you really need to explore yourself, your mind, your boundaries and what you are willing to sacrifice here, before you decide to agree to this. If you agree to something you are not comfortable with, it will be difficult to hold your relationship together. If you don't, and his needs are not met...it may...hurt him to the point where things are unable to hold together... Maybe some counseling is in order? If it's your meds that are messing with you, maybe you should talk with your doctor. I wish you luck! I hope you will both find a way to be happy.
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  #6  
Old 09-18-2011, 01:12 AM
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Baron Baron is offline
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Dear All,

I am Raspberry Surprise's Husband. She asked that I enter the discussion. I had hoped not to interfere in the discussion. My interference is not always a good idea unless you are interested in rational efficiency. I hope people will not take exception to my only talking on my own behalf, rather than the more objective talking for both of us that is usual for me.

Marriage with RS is a bit like trying to combine a Pixar movie with Hellraiser. Sometimes it has proved impossible to balance the competing differences. In SM terms, I am a Sadist. In relationship terms, I am very unhappy and have been so for most of the relationship. I have no intention of rehashing all the many problems or past difficulties we have in our relationship. I expect anyone who has been in a relationship for longer than a year would have a similar list. Our problem has been the lack of intimacy and commitment to our relationship, which has led to my losing trust and belief in RS. I have tried to talk to RS about these issues, but it has proved very difficult to get her attention.

Our relationship was always intended as a permanent one. We had to wait 5-6 years before we could move in together and a further two years before we could get married. My condition of marching down the aisle was that we sort out our relationship problems beforehand. RS didn't help so I marched down the aisle anyway in the hope that we could work things out afterwards. This wasn't attempted so we went for 6 years of relationship therapy with a very good therapist. This didn't work so we have been in limbo for about 2.5 years. I have had previous relationships and know this should be a good one but I am not being met half-way for this entire time. I ran out of ideas and hope long ago.

Our therapist suggested my seeing an alternative partner in our third session together. RS used to say that only the fantasy of my sleeping with someone else interested her intensely. However, my first discussions about including someone else were completely independent of these earlier suggestions. RS resisted the idea but I couldn't let it go because I know what an intimate relationship is like and I miss it terribly. I would have preferred a monogamous relationship, but that is not possible. I still want to maintain a relationship with my wife who I love. Therefore, I need an answer that meets these conditions.

Even if I hadn't already learned a little about Polyamory, my common sense would still have told me that we need to fix our marriage before meeting someone else. It is what I have tried for many years. I am hoping that Poly will galvanise some action and permanently break the stalemate. The penalty for not doing so is Divorce as I am no longer willing to accept the status quo. It has become worse than death. In answer to someone's question, we do not have any children because of the lack of intimacy. Before anyone flames me off the wall, I fully realise that this situation is less than ideal. I have told RS that even though I think Poly is an absolute necessity for us, it would be unfair to destroy someone else's hopes and dreams with our problems. We still need to sort them out before we move into unknown territory.

Jade wanted to know which of three categories I was interested in. I am not interested in playing in online scenes (too many LOL's), no strings attached encounters or a friend with benefits. I want stability and a long-term commitment from someone that means something to me. This means the Poly relationship. I want RS to be friends with that person because I am not willing to sneak about in the background, leading a hidden life that can never be spoken of. I will not allow myself to be vulnerable to blame or be kept under control because of someone else's embarrassment or distaste. Another very important reason is that if I accept less than the ideal, then RS will withdraw from any kind of responsibility for the situation or maintaining our marriage. A strong friendship between RS and the other person would prevent the time constraints between partners damaging the relationship,

I don't believe I am "Domming" RS by wanting her to be friends with this potential other person. I bully people for a specific purpose, for my good and theirs. I am not trying to make her do something she really does not want to do. At best, I am just using what I am to best effect. I want RS to confront the situation and not retreat from it or pretend it doesn't exist.

I would regret that anyone take offence at the following comments, but in answer to some points raised by Magdlyn, for years, whenever I close my eyes, I can feel the slap of my hand against a woman's face. I can see the look of surprise, shock and hurt that spreads across their face. It makes me feel happy and good and I want to do it some more. This is a big step-up from many years ago. I was so stressed with problems and responsibilities that if ever I shut my eyes with tiredness, I would feel a sudden lurch of falling into nowhere from a great height and would immediately snap-back to attention with a start. Unfortunately, not relieving my feelings has leaked into everyday life over the years, sometimes positively, sometimes not. Please rest assured that I am not violent or dangerous, but I have different needs from the majority of people and one of them is for someone who would look forward to receiving what I have to offer. I fully accept that some people might feel that I am abhorrent for doing something that I feel is quite ordinary, so hopefully we can all accept that as read and move to the more important matter at hand.

If I have a hope for Poly, it is that I can have a happy relationship with my wife. I still want to share with her, especially the SM that is important to me, but I hope that some of the pressure will be removed from the problem. I hope that this will change the nature of the problem from the impossible to the well-travelled. One good thing that I hope for is to not feel so bitter about the many lost years. I have almost died on a number of occasions. One change that comes from that is realising that wasting even one day of our short lives is an epic tragedy. So far I have been kept in a position of wasting almost two decades. I want that to be a moment where the slate is wiped clean and the relationship begins again. I can't be more precise about how I see a Poly relationship developing because that third person is not yet present to make her needs known. Importantly, my wife has also not made her needs within a possible Poly relationship known. I therefore feel quite paralysed from doing anything more.

When I got married, I accepted "in sickness and in health". Sometimes, RS's health-concerns have overtaken the relationship to the exclusion of all else. Sometimes I have required respite, but it has felt like it is only me who has the responsibility. It would be nice to share the load a little, which sounds a bit weak. Michellezed raised the issue of inexperience. I once had previous relationships where I was sadistic or dominant. I just didn't have the names or terms to describe it at the time. It was just fun and made me want more. However, putting aside out own attempts, I am 17 years out of date. I know that planning is very different from execution, but I really want to catch-up with new opportunities. Not trying to be creepy, but I have had a lot of time to think and I have had a lot of interesting ideas over the years.

There is probably a lot more I could and should say, but I am quite tired and it is very late (2am GMT). I have no idea if any of what I have written makes any sense and I expect I have missed something that was important. I expect some might take pot shots at an inconsistency, or take offence at what I have written, but I hope others might realise that I mean what I say and am looking for a solution to a very difficult problem.

Thanks for listening,

Baron.
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  #7  
Old 09-14-2011, 07:33 AM
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RaspberrySurprise RaspberrySurprise is offline
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Quote:
Originally Posted by nycindie View Post
Hi! Some questions...

Can you explain what you mean by " including another person in our relationship?" I know you say you don't have any set ideas about it, but the way you worded it is a bit vague. So, do you know what it is you are considering? Are you saying that you are willing for him to pursue another relationship? Or are you saying you want a third person to join you as a couple and have a relationship with both of you? Do both of you share the same vision of what you want? Also, you say you want your hubs to be happy. Is he unhappy now? If so, are you looking at polyamory as a way to fix problems?

Just need some clarity. Thanks.
Hi nycindie,

It's all very complicated (isn't it always).

We have been together for more than 15 years. The sexual side of our relationship has never been very good because he is more interested in sex than me. I would much rather have a cup of tea and browse facebook, or catch up on my sleep than have a marathon sex session.

It came to light about 10 years ago that he is interested in S&M, this compounded the problem for us as he has a definite need for something that I cannot give him. I am not really that interested in being a submissive.

Basically he has needs that I can't fulfil and it doesn't seem fair for him to have to live his life without that kind of happiness.

The question of another person came up.

He would like me to help choose this person and know them as a friend. I know I have a high propensity for jealousy and have a huge problem with the idea of him with someone else. But what choice to I have realistically?

Sorry for the word jumble, hope you can make sense of it.

RS
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Old 09-14-2011, 08:50 AM
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nycindie nycindie is offline
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Quote:
Originally Posted by RaspberrySurprise View Post
I would much rather have a cup of tea and browse facebook, or catch up on my sleep than have a marathon sex session.
Have you looked into whether there are medical/hormonal causes for your low libido?

Quote:
Originally Posted by RaspberrySurprise View Post
It came to light about 10 years ago that he is interested in S&M . . . I am not really that interested in being a submissive.
Dominance & submission are not the same thing as S&M. You can take part in S&M without being submissive.

Quote:
Originally Posted by RaspberrySurprise View Post
. . . I have a high propensity for jealousy and have a huge problem with the idea of him with someone else. But what choice to I have realistically?
You have lots of choices! I don't think poly is be the best thing to jump into when you feel like your back is up against the wall. It will work so much better if it's embraced because you want it.
__________________
The world opens up... when you do.

"Oh, oh, can't you see? Love is the drug for me." ~Bryan Ferry
"Love and the self are one . . ." ~Leo Buscaglia "

An excellent blog post on hierarchy in polyamory:
solopoly.net/2014/10/31/why-im-not-a-secondary-partner-the-short-version/
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Old 09-14-2011, 02:36 PM
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SourGirl SourGirl is offline
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Just to add on what is already stated.

- If you think your low libido is not natural, then check into a medical reason. If you think its just naturally lower then his, then don`t think that there is something wrong with you,..there isn`t. It`s ok to just be yourself.

- 'What choice do you have realistically'...actually, I think you are being very logical here. There is truth in the fact, that at some point, we all have to decide what is in our best interest, and choose to compromise, or stick to our guns, and let the cards fall where they may.

One thing I have learned, is that there are MANY reasons people get involved with poly. Not all of them are fairy-tale couplehoods, skipping through the tulips in unison. It was hard for me to accept, that sometimes other marriages just LACK something between the two involved, or someone feels they are missing something. It doesn`t mean the marriage is 'troubled,' it just means they need to go out and get 'the groceries' of life, to keep their cupboard full.

As nycindie suggested, don`t do this if you feel your back is up against the wall. Even if you are being 'realistic', it doesn`t mean you have to jump in.

- You can find your comfort zones and try small steps.

- Educate yourself. --> Educate yourself about poly, about marriage-history, about love, about jealousy, about anger. Educate yourself from many viewpoints not just pro-poly ones. No use brainwashing yourself. Use education as a means to figure out where you truly stand on any subjects that may come up.

- Keep communication open and honest. This means him being honest ( which he appears to be) and you not bottling up any 'negative' feelings. Just share them appropriately.

Good luck.
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Old 09-14-2011, 03:17 PM
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RaspberrySurprise RaspberrySurprise is offline
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Originally Posted by SourGirl View Post
Just to add on what is already stated.

- If you think your low libido is not natural, then check into a medical reason. If you think its just naturally lower then his, then don`t think that there is something wrong with you,..there isn`t. It`s ok to just be yourself.


Hi SourGirl

Thank you for your input, I appreciate it.

He definitely does think there is something wrong with me for barely having a sex-drive. He makes that pretty plain.

As I explained above it could be hormonal or medical. Depression has been with me for sometime. I also take fluoxetine for it. plus I have PCOS which messes with my hormones. I wont go into the other medical issues on here but there are quite a few. I rarely am without a headache and am tired all the time.


Quote:
Originally Posted by SourGirl View Post
- 'What choice do you have realistically'...actually, I think you are being very logical here. There is truth in the fact, that at some point, we all have to decide what is in our best interest, and choose to compromise, or stick to our guns, and let the cards fall where they may.

One thing I have learned, is that there are MANY reasons people get involved with poly. Not all of them are fairy-tale couplehoods, skipping through the tulips in unison. It was hard for me to accept, that sometimes other marriages just LACK something between the two involved, or someone feels they are missing something. It doesn`t mean the marriage is 'troubled,' it just means they need to go out and get 'the groceries' of life, to keep their cupboard full.

As nycindie suggested, don`t do this if you feel your back is up against the wall. Even if you are being 'realistic', it doesn`t mean you have to jump in.

- You can find your comfort zones and try small steps.

- Educate yourself. --> Educate yourself about poly, about marriage-history, about love, about jealousy, about anger. Educate yourself from many viewpoints not just pro-poly ones. No use brainwashing yourself. Use education as a means to figure out where you truly stand on any subjects that may come up.

- Keep communication open and honest. This means him being honest ( which he appears to be) and you not bottling up any 'negative' feelings. Just share them appropriately.

Good luck.
You say that not all relationships are fairytale that get involved in Poly. Is it fair for us to bring someone else into our already very troubled marriage?

I would love the "daydream" notion that I could be her best friend and he could have someone to do s&m with. But how likely is that?
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