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Old 09-12-2011, 08:05 PM
ndd ndd is offline
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Default Blindsided

I've been married for just shy of 9 years. I am a completely monogamous guy. We've had some issues, and I thought we were working through them. As we've been somewhat distant, my wife started writing and editing erotica, and her interests have changed. She has been working with an author on a story, and in the last few weeks, a friendship developed.

Said friendship has developed into MUCH more. Monday night, she asked if I'd be open to the idea of her having cybersex with this man. I said I needed to think about it. The next morning, in the heat of discussion, I asked if she wanted it to become a physical thing. She said yes. At that point, she asked if she could pursue a sexual relationship with him.

I began the battle of dealing with this. As we have continued discussions, she has told me that our relationship was broken, and she sees this as a way to potentially save our relationship. Otherwise, she is done. By Wednesday night, we had come to a preliminary arrangement (depending on whether I can handle this at all) of her seeing him to fulfill her newly found D&S needs.

Saturday night, she informed me that their friendship had now grown to the point that she wanted to pursue an actual relationship with him, while keeping and working on our relationship.

She has been completely open, honest, and supportive in all this. I get that the root cause of unhappiness is my fault, but I never expected this to happen. I've always known that she was the kind of person open to this type of situation, as she has known that I am completely hard-wired against it.

The last few days has had many hours of discussions, though I am still completely unsure of what I should do. I love her to the point that contrary to my beliefs, I am considering it. But I need some outside perspective and guidance. I have done lots of reading, and am well aware that everything screams to not go along with this, as it is doomed to fail for MANY reasons. But at the same token, I don't know that I'm ready to let go. Is the possibility that it might work better than saying goodbye now ans starting the healing process?
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  #2  
Old 09-12-2011, 09:31 PM
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AnnabelMore AnnabelMore is offline
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Woah woah woah. She just started getting to know this guy within the last month, she just started talking to you about this within the last week, and suddenly it's poly, D/s and this particular guy, right now, or she's done? That may be honest and open, but I sure as hell don't see how it's supportive.

In your reading, perhaps you've come across the ironic phrase "relationship broken, add more people"? If you guys are going through such a serious rough patch, polyamory will make things harder, not easier. Poly should ideally happen only when your relationship is as strong as possible. So, if you've been together 9 years and this is the low point, this is the exact wrong time to open up. If you both really want to make things work, you'd do better to take a while... months, maybe a year... and solve the problems you're having, through therapy if necessary, THEN consider bringing in another person.

On the other hand, it sounds like she may not be giving you a choice. Does her writer friend know how blindsided, hesitant and hurting you are? If not, for the sake of honesty he should. And if so, and he's still prepared to go forward with it anyway, that doesn't show the level of respect for the existing relationship that you want in a metamour...

It's not that this can't possibly, under any circumstances work, it's just that she's setting things off to a very very shaky start, and she should reeeeeally considered slowing down if she wants to keep her marriage with you intact.

What do you mean when you say you know the root cause of the unhappiness is your own fault?
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Old 09-12-2011, 10:09 PM
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nycindie nycindie is offline
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It is illogical (and a bit daft) to think that a third person will fix what needs healing between the two of you. Not only does it just make things more complicated, it will take time and energy away from what needs to be addressed in your relationship, basically serving as a distraction from the pain, AND it lays a huge burden on the additional partner.

Has she talked to you about why she sees the relationship as "broken?" It sounds like that completely surprised you.

If I were you, I would tell her that you will consider a polyamorous arrangement if, and ONLY IF, she agrees to going to therapy or counseling with you for a predetermined period (say, 6 months) to work on healing your marriage. I would ask her not to start any relationship with that other guy during that time, after which you would be willing to discuss opening the marriage if she still feels that's what she wants. But she has no right to run rough-shod all over you. She has her terms, you have yours. If she cannot agree to that, then your marriage and relationship is not a priority for her, and I would seriously consider leaving. Sorry, but...
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Old 09-12-2011, 10:33 PM
ndd ndd is offline
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@Anna, she's been working with him for over 6 months, so it's not like he's new to her. As for the root cause, I've needed to make changes, and we've gone round and round for a while about it, but due to health issues and my own stupid self, it didn't start to happen until very recently. According to her, it's too little too late. I can't blame her there.

As I've read some of the other stories here, I realized how to phrase our situation. The relationship as it existed before is over, but she's willing to make the effort to make something work. I am not surprised at what y'all are telling me, that's what everything I've read says. She is committed to making our relationship work if I am willing to be a part of this type of relationship. I just don't know if I can.
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Old 09-12-2011, 10:41 PM
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nycindie nycindie is offline
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Quote:
Originally Posted by ndd View Post
She is committed to making our relationship work if I am willing to be a part of this type of relationship. I just don't know if I can.
Not with a gun to your head, anyway.
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"Oh, oh, can't you see? Love is the drug for me." ~Bryan Ferry
"Love and the self are one . . ." ~Leo Buscaglia

Click here for a Solo Poly view on hierarchical relationships
Click here to find out why the Polyamorous Misanthrope is feeling disgusted.

Last edited by nycindie; 09-12-2011 at 11:15 PM.
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  #6  
Old 09-12-2011, 11:53 PM
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AnnabelMore AnnabelMore is offline
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I recognize that it may be hard to talk about, and of course you don't have to... but you *are* anonymous here, so don't be too hesitant to give us more details as to things like what exactly needed changing that wasn't getting changed in your marriage previously.

Sometimes you may not think something is particularly relevant but now and then other posters will make connections that may not have occurred to you but that might be helpful for you. We don't need a novel but it can help to have the full story.
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