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  #1  
Old 09-10-2011, 10:39 AM
Tinyblu Tinyblu is offline
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Default Should I Say Something?

So I entered my first polyamory (what I refer to as honest) relationship at the end of April, and besides a few bumps in the road, it has been relatively fulfilling and I have been pretty happy.

...until recently. The one thing I had always found refreshing about the relationship was the honesty and the consistency. My guy had been more consistent than any "monogamous" relationship I had been in meaning he called when he said he would or would let me know he would be otherwise occupied (with other women) and would get back to me soon. It's a long distance relationship, so that has worked well for me. Besides, my job keeps me relatively busy so it had always been a win-win situation

Well, it's quite obvious to me that he has a "new toy" (it's also clear to another woman that we've both been in a relationship with) as he has started to behave like the so-called monogamous guy who mysteriously stops calling because he's otherwise occupied.

His calls have gone from a quick, obligatory "how ya doin'" to practically non-existent. Where we used to talk at least two or three times a week on the phone and see each other bi-weekly, I'm lucky to get even a text message.

It's starting to concern me (I'm starting to think I was a summertime fling), but I haven't said anything about it. I really don't know the rules when it comes to this type of thing. Is this normal? Will I look clingy and needy if I ask him what's going on (he's always liked how "laid back" I am... I don't want to appear any less laid back).

The thing is, I don't necessarily mind if he has someone new or is rekindling an old flame (he seems to keep a few women on some sort of rotation), and I don't want all the details of what or who he's doing. I guess I just need some type of explanation of why there's been a change in communication and assurance that he's not abandoning me (my worst fear). It's the NOT knowing that's causing doubt.

So, should I bring it up at all, and if I do, how do I address this without appearing needy and emotional?
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  #2  
Old 09-10-2011, 12:09 PM
MichelleZed MichelleZed is offline
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I think you should bring it up.

It might help to remember that this is a common problem people have in long-distance relationships, whether they're poly or not! I was in a long-distance relationship with my now-husband for a few years, and it was pretty brutal, and he didn't call me frequently enough for my tastes, either.

Don't let him trap you with "he's always liked how "laid back" I am... I don't want to appear any less laid back." It's dangerous to be complimented on how low-maintenance you are. They like you because you don't make any demands and you don't make a scene! That kind of thinking can prevent you from bringing up real issues when they come up. Don't worry about losing your "chill chick" status if you can honestly bring up a few problems, with calmness and understanding. You'll still be a chill chick.

Okay, so, next time you're on the phone, you're going to have to ask him if you can talk about something. When he says yes, tell him that he calls you quite a lot less frequently than he used to, and that you are wondering what it means. Tell him that you are fine with him cycling through girls and having other relationships, but that you'd like to stay on his list and that you're afraid of losing him. Just like that, as straightforward and calm as you can (easier said than done, I know).

And then see what he says. Don't push for some sort of solution right away, because you just sprung this all on him. It can just be something to think about and talk about tomorrow, or in a week.

Good luck.
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  #3  
Old 09-10-2011, 12:35 PM
TruckerPete TruckerPete is offline
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Quote:
Originally Posted by Tinyblu View Post
So I entered my first polyamory (what I refer to as honest) relationship at the end of April, and besides a few bumps in the road, it has been relatively fulfilling and I have been pretty happy.
Really? Have you forgotten about the surprise threesome, his blatant use and mistreatment of other women and telling you what "good potential" you have??

Quote:
Originally Posted by Tinyblu View Post
The one thing I had always found refreshing about the relationship was the honesty and the consistency.
Based on what you've said before, and the crux of your issue now, I wouldn't wave the honesty flag around. But yes, he has been consistent.

Quote:
Originally Posted by Tinyblu View Post
My guy had been more consistent than any "monogamous" relationship I had been in meaning he called when he said he would or would let me know he would be otherwise occupied (with other women) and would get back to me soon.
It really shows that you've been treated poorly in the past. These things he does, for which you are so grateful, are COMMON COURTESY.

Quote:
Originally Posted by Tinyblu View Post
Well, it's quite obvious to me that he has a "new toy" (it's also clear to another woman that we've both been in a relationship with) as he has started to behave like the so-called monogamous guy who mysteriously stops calling because he's otherwise occupied.
This woman you're in a relationship with with him ... is this the one he wanted you to do the dirty work for him and tell her she was no longer invited on the getaway he'd planned for the three of you? I'm guessing that you're now both dating her because you didn't do this for him, and he didn't go through with it himself.

Quote:
Originally Posted by Tinyblu View Post
It's starting to concern me (I'm starting to think I was a summertime fling), but I haven't said anything about it. I really don't know the rules when it comes to this type of thing. Is this normal?
You keep saying you don't know the rules, and we keep telling you that you need to negotiate your own.

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Originally Posted by Tinyblu View Post
Will I look clingy and needy if I ask him what's going on (he's always liked how "laid back" I am... I don't want to appear any less laid back).
... And those rules should never say that you can't express your concerns in a calm and rational manner. You seem to be looking at relationships with a scarcity view. As in, you should hang on to this guy, not rock the boat, because decent men are so few and far between ... No, they're not. They're EVERYWHERE. Please go find one.

Quote:
Originally Posted by Tinyblu View Post
So, should I bring it up at all, and if I do, how do I address this without appearing needy and emotional?
MZ covered this.

Last edited by TruckerPete; 09-10-2011 at 12:36 PM. Reason: typo
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  #4  
Old 09-10-2011, 12:56 PM
Tinyblu Tinyblu is offline
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It really shows that you've been treated poorly in the past. These things he does, for which you are so grateful, are COMMON COURTESY.

You have NO idea. He's probably the best of the worst, and he gets away with a lot of things because he's rich, but what's my alternative? The broke guys treat me just as badly... at least he's honest about fucking around...


This woman you're in a relationship with with him ... is this the one he wanted you to do the dirty work for him and tell her she was no longer invited on the getaway he'd planned for the three of you? I'm guessing that you're now both dating her because you didn't do this for him, and he didn't go through with it himself.

That's the one! I actually refused to do the dirty work for him and made him back out of the trip. I'M dating her (without his knowledge). She's still just a past time fuck for him... the pinch hitter when he wants a threesome...something that she still doesn't quite get and I feel terrible about because I'm in the middle of the whole thing... whole different thread...


... And those rules should never say that you can't express your concerns in a calm and rational manner. You seem to be looking at relationships with a scarcity view. As in, you should hang on to this guy, not rock the boat, because decent men are so few and far between ... No, they're not. They're EVERYWHERE. Please go find one.

I disagree... but maybe that's just me. Good men are hard to find...



MZ covered this.[/QUOTE]
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  #5  
Old 09-10-2011, 01:09 PM
MichelleZed MichelleZed is offline
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Wait, so you guys are both dating the same girl, but keeping it from each other? And the girl hasn't said anything for odd reasons of her own?

This is... a bit different from the situation you describe at the beginning of this thread, Tinyblu. Also, if this is true, this girl isn't a "new toy" but an old toy, a girl he seems to have gone back to again and again, for years, ostensibly because she is "easy" when things get hard in his other relationships. If he's seeing her again, this is probably a bad sign.

You describe your relationship as "honest". Look at what I just wrote. Both of you are dating someone and keeping it a secret from the other. Does that seem like something you could reasonably describe as "honest"?
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  #6  
Old 09-10-2011, 05:12 PM
Tinyblu Tinyblu is offline
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Quote:
Originally Posted by MichelleZed View Post
Wait, so you guys are both dating the same girl, but keeping it from each other? And the girl hasn't said anything for odd reasons of her own?

This is... a bit different from the situation you describe at the beginning of this thread, Tinyblu. Also, if this is true, this girl isn't a "new toy" but an old toy, a girl he seems to have gone back to again and again, for years, ostensibly because she is "easy" when things get hard in his other relationships. If he's seeing her again, this is probably a bad sign.

You describe your relationship as "honest". Look at what I just wrote. Both of you are dating someone and keeping it a secret from the other. Does that seem like something you could reasonably describe as "honest"?
We are seeing the same person, but everyone is aware of each other. He actually introduced me to his "fuck buddy"... a woman that he has been in a relationship with for 7 years. They see each other about 3 times a year when he wants to mix things up. She's very open sexually.

The thing is... we REALLY connected (actually were intimate without him knowing), and we have been communicating since then and spending time together on our own.

The sticking point is that he only wants her for sex, but she doesn't seem to get that. She's seriously in love with him and continues the relationship in hopes that their relationship will turn into something more...something he has communicated to me will probably never happen.

So, the woman and I are having a much closer relationship than either of us have with the guy (though up until recently, he was way more consistent with communication with me), but the guy only thinks that we are casual. We have told him that we communicate with each other regularly, but he is not aware that we are involved in a relationship without him. So, there is a lack of honesty on my part in this situation which I will admit to.

so... like I said... the situation with the other woman (the one I am involved with) is a totally different thread...
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  #7  
Old 09-10-2011, 01:13 PM
TruckerPete TruckerPete is offline
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Well, that's just a bouquet of facepalms, isn't it?

Just tried to grab your "honest relationship" quote and see that MZ has made my point.

TB, it's starting to look like you deserve each other. We can't teach you how to not be a doormat, or how to be honest. You just have to DO IT.
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  #8  
Old 09-10-2011, 05:16 PM
Tinyblu Tinyblu is offline
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Quote:
Originally Posted by TruckerPete View Post
Well, that's just a bouquet of facepalms, isn't it?

Just tried to grab your "honest relationship" quote and see that MZ has made my point.

TB, it's starting to look like you deserve each other. We can't teach you how to not be a doormat, or how to be honest. You just have to DO IT.
See my explanation to MZ. I would somewhat agree with the doormat thing, but not TOTALLY dishonest.

Besides, as I said... our guy KNOWS we communicate with each other. He just doesn't know that we have seen each other on our own without his knowledge.
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  #9  
Old 09-10-2011, 06:02 PM
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AnnabelMore AnnabelMore is offline
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In any relationship, but *especially* in poly, where feelings can be so complex, partial honesty is not significantly less hurtful than full dishonesty. Either way there are lies happening, even if only by omission, and that can really damage people and relationships. Then again, it doesn't sound like your relationship with this guy is emotionally authenticity enough that it even matters? There *are* great men out there, I know a number of them... don't settle just to be with someone, anyone. Why not dump this guy and just see your gf?
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The major players. Me, 30ish bi female. Gia, girlfriend of 4+ years. Clay, boyfriend/dom. Davis, ex/friend/"it's complicated." Eddie, roommate & fwb.
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  #10  
Old 09-11-2011, 02:33 AM
MorningTwilight MorningTwilight is offline
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Originally Posted by Tinyblu View Post
Good men are hard to find...
And you haven't yet found one.
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