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#1
09-08-2011, 01:11 AM
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Am I a...?
I can't even say the word, but after reading up on the interwebbie... It's what I am. Spare me, the word is freaking me out.
A newly divorced twenty something being invited not an established MF relationship. I don't feel it is predatory, because I am the first in the four year relationship, (and by predatory: I mean they would seek me out to be their sex toy/ helper). I feel it os quite genuine and loving and open. She, well they, have always wanted a third bi woman in the mix. Yay me. However, when I expressed my need to be with them individually also, and to have one on one time to develop those relationships, I was told that "there is no me and him, only us." I feel hurt, but honestly so. Honest with myself about what I want and need. I'm about to tell her that's now how I draw my own picture: with four relationships, his and hers, mine and hers, mine and his, and all three together. I'm struggling to make the words. I have overcome too much in this life to back down from what I truly want, and if I'm not honest about that now, Then what's the freaking point? Will me to get the words!!! 
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#2
09-08-2011, 01:18 AM
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Stick to your guns and walk away if they cannot give you what you want. From what I've read and seen, when a couple refuses to let individual relationships develop and see it ONLY as "us plus one," it tends to head toward disaster. After all, you're not an appendage to their relationship, you're a human being who deserves relationships with other human beings, not bits and pieces of pre-approved interactions.
__________________
. Independent solo polyamorist seeking lover-friends willing to invest in friendship, companionship, and love, but without a need for partnership. Never confuse commitment with exclusivity, love with ownership, nor sex with intimacy! For me, it is far better to grasp the Universe as it really is than to persist in delusion, however satisfying and reassuring. Last edited by nycindie; 09-08-2011 at 01:26 AM.
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#3
09-08-2011, 01:23 AM
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I second nycindie. I've seen things go very bad when couples try to require an "us only" relationship. That flies in the face of reality. When there are three people, there will be three relationships...A and B, B and C, A and C. You will at some time find yourself without the third person. If you have no way to relate to each other individually...well, that's not a good way to approach relationships....
Hang in there and do what you need to do for yourself. You have to be your own advocate here. JG
__________________
"But you've got to be tough when consumed by desire 'Cause it's not enough just to stand outside the fire .... Life is not tried, it is merely survived When you're standing outside the fire" Garth Brooks and Jenny Yates
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#4
09-08-2011, 01:25 AM
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They say they share everything. All of my texts get forwarded to the other person. I have nothing to hide, but damn it feels weird. I'm talking to YOU, not him. Or vice versa. No secrets, but still... Can't we just talk? And be with each other? Without the other person being directly 100% involved? Or am I misunderstanding the whole concept here???
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#5
09-08-2011, 01:36 AM
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No, you're not misunderstanding. Unfortunately I'd say they are somewhat delusional...this just isn't the way people and relationships work long term. I'm fine with the no secrets part. But i's just not practical for all three of you to be together all the time. Things will be said to one person that are innocently forgotten and omitted when talked to the other. As I said, I've seen this before. It leads one of two things, from my observations : 1) accusations of lying because you can't remember absolutely everything you said to one person or the other or 2) the couple figures out that you can't keep this kind of thing up as time moves along and they give it up.
I wish you luck, DN. Relationships are never easy.  JG
__________________
"But you've got to be tough when consumed by desire 'Cause it's not enough just to stand outside the fire .... Life is not tried, it is merely survived When you're standing outside the fire" Garth Brooks and Jenny Yates
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#7
09-08-2011, 02:00 AM
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Shhhhhhh.
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#8
09-08-2011, 02:12 PM
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No, you are not misunderstanding. If a triad is to work then each relationship has to develop. Otherwise the person coming in will always feel like an outsider. How are you supposed to feel when they say 'us' as in the two of them? In reality, I would rather have 'us' mean all three of us.
In my triad I make a conscious effort to say 'I' instead of 'we' when talking to my girlfriend. This actually has an impact on our thinking patterns since in this way I'm standing with her unconditionally. I don't need my husband to love her for me to love her. He doesn't need me to love her for he to love her. We all need to love each other individually in order to love together as three people. I find the language for these concepts lacking. Whenever I write this stuff out I feel like I sound like an idiot. But, I will keep trying because apparently functional triads are unusual and anyone in a triad needs support. It sounds like the couple you were involved with wasn't ready for this. I've learned that the couple has to be open to changing their relationship in order to form a triad. You can't just 'add another person' and expect your original couple dynamics to stay the same. Being in a triad forces us to keep changing, keep evolving the way we love each other. I'm very happy for it but it can be terribly frightening at times. Good luck on your journey.
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