Polyamory.com Forum  

Go Back   Polyamory.com Forum > Polyamory > Poly Relationships Corner

Notices

Reply
 
Thread Tools Display Modes
  #1  
Old 09-07-2011, 07:10 PM
JuliaGay's Avatar
JuliaGay JuliaGay is offline
Member
 
Join Date: Aug 2011
Location: Tacoma/Tucson (long story)
Posts: 75
Default Reuniting considerations

Hello. I've been contacted by a former partner who wants to reunite. I'm looking for some advice on things I ought to be considering as I decide whether to do this or not.

Here's the background: We met earlier this year and fell deeply in love pretty quickly. Things between he and were/are good, for the most part. He broke up with me when his wife invoked her veto power because she couldn't manage her own emotions about him loving another person. The sex part was just fine with her. He has been in polyamorous relationships before, but not with this wife. He kept saying she was handling it okay and then I got blindsided by the veto. They do not have rules/guidelines/whatever that say the primary partner must meet the potential partner before a relationship begins, but we were planning to meet when he broke it off. I think not meeting her earlier may have contributed to her issues, but I'll never know for sure.

And here are my issues: While I love him deeply, I'm feeling a bit of whiplash. We communicated a few times via email after he broke things off. He told me consistently that he thought his wife would change her mind. It took her about a month to do that. Not knowing her at all, I had no way to gauge the truth in that. So I started the grieving process and preparing to move on. I've been through most of the stages at one point or another since I tend to slide back and forth through them....

I've insisted on meeting her before we go any further. I have asked for some assurance from both of them that I won't be treated as disposable again. And that when something comes up, she'll agree to work through it rather than invoking veto immediately. And that he will remind her of that agreement if she tries. While I know that reuniting with him will be risky based on our past, I am trying to mitigate some of the risk. I'm aware that they could both lie, but I believe that most people keep their word once they've given it.

What else should I be considering? I'm drawing a blank and I'm sure there are other things.

Thanks in advance for your help!

JG
__________________
"But you've got to be tough when consumed by desire
'Cause it's not enough just to stand outside the fire
....
Life is not tried, it is merely survived
When you're standing outside the fire"
Garth Brooks and Jenny Yates
Reply With Quote
  #2  
Old 09-07-2011, 07:17 PM
River's Avatar
River River is offline
Senior Member
 
Join Date: Mar 2009
Location: NM, USA
Posts: 1,894
Default

I'd ask her to permanently give up veto powers. If unwilling, I'd not get involved again.
__________________
bi, partnered, available

River's Blog
Reply With Quote
  #3  
Old 09-07-2011, 07:22 PM
naughty's Avatar
naughty naughty is offline
Member
 
Join Date: Jun 2011
Location: Ontario, Canada
Posts: 39
Default

I agree with River. The idea of veto powers is really unsettling for me. A willingness to give them up would be an indication from them that they do not view you as disposable.
Reply With Quote
  #4  
Old 09-07-2011, 07:28 PM
JuliaGay's Avatar
JuliaGay JuliaGay is offline
Member
 
Join Date: Aug 2011
Location: Tacoma/Tucson (long story)
Posts: 75
Default

I understand the veto and I know it can be necessary. If the OSO does something very damaging to the primary partner or to the primary relationship, the veto power is necessary. I've observed it used that way in other relationships. In 15 years, I've never seen it used because the primary partner can't handle their emotions before now, though.

So I will clarify that I am asking for the veto power to be used only in the event that I commit some egregious act, not in the event that she finds she can't handle it emotionally.

Thank you for helping me clarify that.

JG
__________________
"But you've got to be tough when consumed by desire
'Cause it's not enough just to stand outside the fire
....
Life is not tried, it is merely survived
When you're standing outside the fire"
Garth Brooks and Jenny Yates
Reply With Quote
  #5  
Old 09-07-2011, 07:37 PM
River's Avatar
River River is offline
Senior Member
 
Join Date: Mar 2009
Location: NM, USA
Posts: 1,894
Default

Quote:
Originally Posted by JuliaGay View Post
So I will clarify that I am asking for the veto power to be used only in the event that I commit some egregious act, not in the event that she finds she can't handle it emotionally.
What if the other woman commits some egregious act? Do you get to veto her for such an offense? Or is this power hers alone?
__________________
bi, partnered, available

River's Blog
Reply With Quote
  #6  
Old 09-07-2011, 10:13 PM
JuliaGay's Avatar
JuliaGay JuliaGay is offline
Member
 
Join Date: Aug 2011
Location: Tacoma/Tucson (long story)
Posts: 75
Default

No, I will not have veto over her. She is married to my partner and I understand that she has a higher priority in that sense. If she does something egregious, I will have the option of working it out with her or leaving my relationship with him. That risk I am willing to take. Being treated as disposable, I'm not.

I'm already saying that I won't be treated as disposable and that is a deal breaker for me. I'm really wanting to know what other things I should be considering....

Thanks.
__________________
"But you've got to be tough when consumed by desire
'Cause it's not enough just to stand outside the fire
....
Life is not tried, it is merely survived
When you're standing outside the fire"
Garth Brooks and Jenny Yates
Reply With Quote
  #7  
Old 09-08-2011, 01:36 AM
nycindie's Avatar
nycindie nycindie is offline
Moderator
 
Join Date: Nov 2010
Location: The Big Apple
Posts: 7,423
Default

Quote:
Originally Posted by JuliaGay View Post
I've insisted on meeting her before we go any further. I have asked for some assurance from both of them that I won't be treated as disposable again. And that when something comes up, she'll agree to work through it rather than invoking veto immediately. And that he will remind her of that agreement if she tries.
I forgot to say in my earlier post that I think it's great you've already asked him for these considerations. You really come across as a strong, balanced woman with her head on straight and it's very appealing.

Oh, and I just went back to read your Intro thread. I assume this is the same man you spoke of there. You said you came here for support because you were still getting over that relationship ending... and now there's a turnabout! In that thread, you wrote:
Quote:
Originally Posted by JuliaGay View Post
I believe that most of the problem was that he didn't know how to temper his NRE and that drove her nuts.
I do think meeting with her will help this time around. Maybe you can even say you want it to be friends-only for a little while. I hope it works out for you!
__________________
The world opens up... when you do.

"Oh, oh, can't you see? Love is the drug for me." ~Bryan Ferry
"Love and the self are one . . ." ~Leo Buscaglia "

An excellent blog post on hierarchy in polyamory:
solopoly.net/2014/10/31/why-im-not-a-secondary-partner-the-short-version/

Last edited by nycindie; 09-08-2011 at 01:44 AM.
Reply With Quote
  #8  
Old 09-08-2011, 03:32 AM
JuliaGay's Avatar
JuliaGay JuliaGay is offline
Member
 
Join Date: Aug 2011
Location: Tacoma/Tucson (long story)
Posts: 75
Default

Yep, NYC, this is the guy I talked about when I first got here. I don't know for sure that his NRE was threatening to her. I'm hoping to be able to ask her in person.

schtuff, I don't compartmentalize well at all. I'm hoping to keep my resolve when I see him in person. Although I have not stopped my grieving process, just sort of put it on hold. I don't seem to be able to get beyond the deal breaker, so it appears to be a roadblock for me. And that's a good thing, I think.

I'll go get a neck brace. I think I'm going to need.

Thanks for the input and the support. It really means a lot to me.

JG
__________________
"But you've got to be tough when consumed by desire
'Cause it's not enough just to stand outside the fire
....
Life is not tried, it is merely survived
When you're standing outside the fire"
Garth Brooks and Jenny Yates
Reply With Quote
  #9  
Old 09-08-2011, 04:18 AM
AnnabelMore's Avatar
AnnabelMore AnnabelMore is offline
Senior Member
 
Join Date: Dec 2010
Posts: 2,244
Default

I just don't get why a veto power should ever exist. If you do something egregious, shouldn't he *want* to break up with you? If you were, say, ongoingly cruel to his wife, why would he want to stay with you? And hell, if he did want to stay with someone who was cruel to his wife and wouldn't stop her cruel ways, then that would say he didn't care much about his wife... in which case, why would *she* want to stay with him??

I just... being a secondary myself, I just can't stand the whole idea of veto power. Obviously if she thinks you're bad for him, or bad for their marriage, she can talk to him and she could say things like "I think you should leave her" or "I can't stay if you stay with her." But those are conversations, it's different. I mean, I suppose it's a semantic difference at that point, but...

Just, fuck the whole veto thing. Fuck it. I don't think I could stand knowing one was in place. And after you've been burned once by it, I don't see how you could stand it. I don't mean to be hurtful to you, just wanted to be honest.
__________________
Me, 30ish bi female, been doing solo poly for roughly 5 years. Gia, Clay, and Pike, my partners. Davis, ex/friend/"it's complicated." Eric, Gia's husband. Bee, Gia and Eric's toddler.
Reply With Quote
  #10  
Old 09-08-2011, 04:36 AM
JuliaGay's Avatar
JuliaGay JuliaGay is offline
Member
 
Join Date: Aug 2011
Location: Tacoma/Tucson (long story)
Posts: 75
Default

AnnabelMore, I hear you. But we will have to agree to disagree on part of it.

However, that's not what I have asked for. I've asked for help with my blind spots to see what else I could/should be considering. Do you have anything to offer on that topic?

I've been burned by lots of things in relationships over the decades. If I were to deny myself relationships because I've been burned...well, I'm not willing to do that. I need relationships, so I persevere. I've also had positive experience in relationships which include the primary partner's veto rights. It's not all bad.

JG
__________________
"But you've got to be tough when consumed by desire
'Cause it's not enough just to stand outside the fire
....
Life is not tried, it is merely survived
When you're standing outside the fire"
Garth Brooks and Jenny Yates
Reply With Quote
Reply

Tags
veto

Thread Tools
Display Modes

Posting Rules
You may not post new threads
You may not post replies
You may not post attachments
You may not edit your posts

BB code is On
Smilies are On
[IMG] code is On
HTML code is Off

Forum Jump


All times are GMT. The time now is 01:20 AM.