Polyamory.com Forum  

Go Back   Polyamory.com Forum > Polyamory > Poly Relationships Corner


Thread Tools Display Modes
Old 09-07-2011, 10:04 AM
LoveEvolved LoveEvolved is offline
Join Date: Sep 2011
Posts: 6
Default New guy, MFF questions

whats up, my name is Bill and I'm new "poly". Have never been in a poly relationship before, but have thought about it. I have never "knowingly" known any poly friendly people before so I'm really curious about it.

I'm a straight guy, so what interests me the most is a MFF relationship just like a traditional MF relationship just with another woman. All three people would be equals and care about each other the same with the goal of being all together whenever possible, but say if one person was at work then the other 2 could be together (sexual or otherwise) with no jealousy. No one would be with anyone (sexually or emotionally) other than the three in the group.

I was just wondering how common this situation is? and how many women are really looking for that type of relationship? Also I was wondering if anyone in such a relationship all started "dating" together as opposed to a MF later adding a woman, or a FF later adding a man?
Reply With Quote
Old 09-07-2011, 01:50 PM
Magdlyn's Avatar
Magdlyn Magdlyn is offline
Senior Member
Join Date: Nov 2009
Location: Metro West Massachusetts
Posts: 5,382

What you are talking about is called a triad. Of course, triads can occur with any gender configuration, MMM, FFF, MMF, FFM (add in genderqueer or transgender people to make things even more complicated).

You are also talking about a poly-fidelitous arrangement, often abbreviated to poly-fi. It's poly, but closed. None of the 3 are allowed to pursue outside relationships.

Know that poly-fi triads, or quads, are the rarest poly configurations. Most poly people, even when coupled, date separately and form separate relationships. Triads can be hard because there is no guarantee all 3 members will feel equally as strong love and sexual desire for one partner as they do for the other.

...how many women are really looking for that type of relationship?
Not too many.
Love withers under constraint; its very essence is liberty. It is compatible neither with envy, jealousy or fear. It is there most pure, perfect and unlimited when its votaries live in confidence, equality and unreserve. -- Shelley

Mags (poly, F, 61) loving miss pixi (poly, F, 39) since January 2009, living together since 2013
also loving Punk (42, M) since Oct 2015 (he has recently downgraded us to friends)
"Master," (mono, 34), miss pixi's Dom for 2 years
Reply With Quote
Old 09-07-2011, 07:23 PM
redpepper's Avatar
redpepper redpepper is offline
Senior Member
Join Date: Apr 2009
Location: Canada
Posts: 7,705

Hello try doing a search for tags such as "traid" or "unicorn" there is a lot to read here to get a sense of what to expect.
Anyone want to be friends on Facebook?
Send me your name via PM
My blog
Reply With Quote
Old 09-08-2011, 06:31 AM
LoveEvolved LoveEvolved is offline
Join Date: Sep 2011
Posts: 6

hey thanks for the replies. I'm not surprised to your answers. Looks like I have a challenge ahead of me. Figures... like most things i want, they seem to be out of my reach, but all i guess all i can do is try till i die

Last edited by LoveEvolved; 09-08-2011 at 06:34 AM.
Reply With Quote
Old 09-08-2011, 05:00 PM
IrisAwakened's Avatar
IrisAwakened IrisAwakened is offline
Join Date: Aug 2011
Posts: 69

I think that if the "poly" familial model was more mainstream, Unicorns would be much less rare. We are all blinded by what society tells us is right, so even when a poly relationship is mentioned, some might get defensive even though it might work for them at some point in time. I am, of course, referring to my own trials. I have only now discovered this as a viable possibility, even though I had a couple of friends in a poly relationship. I always thought, "they just say their open, but he is really just cheating." I could never imagine that it was a trusting and loving relationship.

So look for a girlfriend (it might help if she is bi) who is open minded. Even if she doesn't like the idea at first, it might grow on her in time as her view of "what is possible" starts to change. Always be upfront about yourself, but know when to divulge proper info. Good luck on your search!

(Hey no glum faces, this is an adventure!)
Reply With Quote
Old 09-09-2011, 04:31 AM
AnnabelMore's Avatar
AnnabelMore AnnabelMore is offline
Senior Member
Join Date: Dec 2010
Posts: 2,285

Hey, Love.

There's nothing wrong with what you want. I myself started out with an FMF triad as my sexual/relational ideal. And I might even find myself in one some day, who knows. The thing is, with time and experience you begin to realize that creating a strong, healthy and balanced dynamic with two people is hard enough, with three it's exponentially hard! And relationships naturally develop in different ways at different times and at different rates... how then could things be perfectly equal right off the bat, even with three people who've all just met?

What you've described... a perfectly equal love and desire between two women and a man, no jealousy, no need and desire for outside partners... is, a very common desire and, if you set out determined that you'll accept that and nothing else, potentially a recipe for a lot of sadness and pain. We see so many stories here from hetero couples who are confused as to why things didn't work out with their third, and from thirds who've been badly burned by couples. It begins to become cliche. The problem is that people set their ideal above everything else, and refuse to see/accept the myriad reasons why it may not be appropriate for the particular people involved. The most common problem seems to be that the love and/or desire is NOT perfectly equal, and rules that have been set in place with equality in mind (everything should be done together, no outside partners, etcetc) leave one or more of the people involved unfulfilled and unhappy.

All that certainly doesn't mean that a triad can't happen for you, but if you try and force the relationships that come into your life into that mold, you'll end up hurting yourself and your partners. Instead, take life and love as they come to you, be open and honest about your desires, and read both the stories here and the essays at xeromag.com to gain some very, very important realism and perspective.

Good luck!
Me, 30ish bi female, been doing solo poly for roughly 5 years. Gia, Clay, and Pike, my partners. Davis, ex/friend/"it's complicated." Eric, Gia's husband. Bee, Gia and Eric's toddler.

Last edited by AnnabelMore; 09-09-2011 at 04:45 AM.
Reply With Quote

Thread Tools
Display Modes

Posting Rules
You may not post new threads
You may not post replies
You may not post attachments
You may not edit your posts

BB code is On
Smilies are On
[IMG] code is On
HTML code is Off

Forum Jump

All times are GMT. The time now is 01:55 PM.