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Old 09-04-2011, 05:49 AM
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Somegeezer Somegeezer is offline
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Default What is that middle ground?

I just read a post a few minutes ago about someone "living monogamously" to put it, because they could see it was what their partner needed, even though it wasn't their ideal situation.

This for obvious reasons, I would think, made me think of the pressures even someone poly could bring for a mono.

I'm in one of these situations personally. I'm poly and have been all my life. Fully understood who I was and "came out" just less than a year ago. I've been in a realtionship with a mono [Cherry] for a few months now too. Cherry is a strict mono [but bisexual]. I can see [and she has told me many times] that she only wants me. It has hurt both her and me when I came out to her about my poly self. To the point where I've questioned both just going through with a mono relationship, to ending it completely.

As far, I still don't know what my answer is.

My questions as, what is that middle ground? Is there one at all? Does it have to be one side or the other? If there is... How do you find the middle ground with your partner?
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Old 09-04-2011, 09:04 PM
Sikau Sikau is offline
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I'm afraid I don't have any good answer for you, as I'm in the same position you are in. But I figured I'd at least let you know you're not alone. For now, I'm just taking things day by day. I'm eager to see what perspective and advice others may give on this topic.
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Old 09-04-2011, 09:55 PM
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Somegeezer,

Two thoughts occur to me in reading your post. First (and this thought is a question), is Cherry unhappy with your being polyamorous? Is she accepting of your polyamorous nature?

Second (Hey, another question!), is she aware that people can start out in life mono and change over time to poly? (Not that she should have to do so, or that she needs to change. Rather, is she aware that people change in this way sometimes? [I did, for example]).
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Old 09-05-2011, 02:11 AM
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SourGirl SourGirl is offline
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Basically, it requires both partners to be able to identify that they only control themselves, not the other partner. If one is 'highly' monogamous ( spouse shouldnt even think about another partner. Add in highly religious, fidelity of the mind, body, and spirit.) and the other is 'highly' polyamorous ( Wants to love everyone, and doesn't believe in any type of rating, or withholding.) It will be tough to find middle ground.
If either of these types needs the other partner to be absolutely alike, then there will be trouble ahead.

My husband has a 'take it or leave it' attitude about any non-monogamy. He has fun, but he wouldn`t ever go out of his way, to attract others. He would be happily monogamous.
I am just on the other side of that. I like being non-monogamous, prefer it, and seek it. However if I needed to be ( I have in the past.) monogamous, I can do it. I don`t 'need' more then him, I just 'like' more then one.

So,even though we are on slightly different sides of the same scale, we can give and take with each other pretty easily.

The further away each of you are from the mid-point, the harder it will be.
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Old 09-05-2011, 02:41 AM
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Wise words from Sourgirl.

The other thing to consider is that it's ok (as painful as at may be) to admit that you are not compatible with someone in the role that you currently hold. And the truth is, that if you aren't, you should let go and save yourself more misery. You may very well be able to find common ground but if it's just like slogging through mud all the time, for a long time. It may be something that just won't work. I think we know deep down inside when that happens. Whether or not we can admit it.
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Old 09-06-2011, 02:05 PM
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Quote:
Originally Posted by River View Post
Somegeezer,

Two thoughts occur to me in reading your post. First (and this thought is a question), is Cherry unhappy with your being polyamorous? Is she accepting of your polyamorous nature?

Second (Hey, another question!), is she aware that people can start out in life mono and change over time to poly? (Not that she should have to do so, or that she needs to change. Rather, is she aware that people change in this way sometimes? [I did, for example]).
I think she certainly isn't happy with it. It's a whole new way of thinking for her and it scares her. Usual thoughts of "why am I not enough?" and "what if you leave me for someone else?". The kinds of questions I can and have answered, still leaving her not trusting the concept.

She's been made aware by me at least that you can be mono and suddenly find poly inside yourself. I think she either hasn't found it, or doesn't have it. I don't want to push it on her, but I don't want to be pushed by her either.

Quote:
Originally Posted by SourGirl View Post
Basically, it requires both partners to be able to identify that they only control themselves, not the other partner. If one is 'highly' monogamous ( spouse shouldnt even think about another partner. Add in highly religious, fidelity of the mind, body, and spirit.) and the other is 'highly' polyamorous ( Wants to love everyone, and doesn't believe in any type of rating, or withholding.) It will be tough to find middle ground.
If either of these types needs the other partner to be absolutely alike, then there will be trouble ahead.

My husband has a 'take it or leave it' attitude about any non-monogamy. He has fun, but he wouldn`t ever go out of his way, to attract others. He would be happily monogamous.
I am just on the other side of that. I like being non-monogamous, prefer it, and seek it. However if I needed to be ( I have in the past.) monogamous, I can do it. I don`t 'need' more then him, I just 'like' more then one.

So,even though we are on slightly different sides of the same scale, we can give and take with each other pretty easily.

The further away each of you are from the mid-point, the harder it will be.
I think me and Cherry are those opposite ends and it has been hard to find any middle ground. Even something along the lines of "you do it your way and I'll do it mine" I would consider a middle ground. A point which you both just accept and agree to what is happening. It just doesn't seem to work that way for her.

I don't need others either. I can have just close, loving friendships. I think even that is a step too high for Cherry. Nevertheless, that is not a place I'm willing to come back from. I've always been loving of my closest friends, even before I knew poly was a part of my life. =]

Quote:
Originally Posted by ray View Post
Wise words from Sourgirl.

The other thing to consider is that it's ok (as painful as at may be) to admit that you are not compatible with someone in the role that you currently hold. And the truth is, that if you aren't, you should let go and save yourself more misery. You may very well be able to find common ground but if it's just like slogging through mud all the time, for a long time. It may be something that just won't work. I think we know deep down inside when that happens. Whether or not we can admit it.
I think we are compatible in many ways. Everyone is different after all. But I think if we really can't be together, in time, it will end itself.

I have no idea what kind of timescales other people work on. How long it would take for Cherry to actually accept that part of me. Right this second, it's not a problem for me. I'm happy and comfortable with her. I'm not feeling a need for any specific other person in my life. But I have mentioned to her many times, that when that does come; when I meet someone else, it will feel like it is being thrown at you. The sooner she comes to terms with it, the more comfortable she will be when it happens.



Has anyone here actually been in these situations and have any advice as to what they did to make it work? =]
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Old 09-19-2011, 03:57 AM
nbennett nbennett is offline
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I think that if she really is strict with being mono, then there would be a problem. I mean, if she is really focused with being mono, then there would be no way you can force her to be contented with her partner being poly. But change is constant and there would be no hindrance why she could not accept it, in time.

I do think that she is unhappy with your poly status yet she is trying to keep up with it.
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