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Old 09-03-2011, 02:50 AM
Cheesehead100 Cheesehead100 is offline
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Default Polyamory perspective on internet porn?

What's the polyamory perspective on internet porn? I think it's fun. My wife thinks it's not cool because there's no love involved. Before poly came up, I could understand her issue about porn - because I should be thinking about her and her alone. Now it doesn't seem so clear.
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Old 09-03-2011, 03:21 AM
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SNeacail SNeacail is offline
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I could understand her issue about porn - because I should be thinking about her and her alone. Now it doesn't seem so clear.
Ok, never understood this thinking. Internet porn is no different than any other porn, including romance novels. Just my opinion.

Last edited by SNeacail; 09-03-2011 at 06:12 AM.
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Old 09-03-2011, 03:44 AM
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Ok, never understood this thinking. Internet porn is no different than any other porn, I including romance novels. Just my opinion.
I agree My hubby likes to 'look' at stuff on the internet, I personally am more turned on by written material.. but when you come right down to it, its basically the same thing.
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Old 09-03-2011, 05:30 AM
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Just as there is no specific polyamorous Lifestyle, there is no official polyamorous opinion on porn, internet or otherwise. Individuals make their own decisions about what is acceptable in their relationships. You can wave the poly flag and use it as an excuse to do lots of things your wife takes issue with, be a total asshole if you want to -- but at what cost to your marriage? Remember, the focus of polyamory is having multiple loving relationships. Sex is a part of loving relationships, but not the only thing, and not the main focus. Always ask yourself if what you're doing is ethical and loving toward the people in your life and you'll know if that is acceptable in poly.
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Old 09-03-2011, 05:41 AM
MichelleZed MichelleZed is offline
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I think your wife is making up excuses for why she doesn't like porn. "There's no love involved" seems like a rationalization. Does your every sexual thought have to involve deep feelings of affection and attachment? That just seems like way too much to ask of a regular person.

In fact, since you're poly, you're probably juggling not just love for her but also loving feelings for other people at the same time. That's a lot of pressure. In some ways, masturbation/porn is just a nice break from that--a sexual release that has nothing to do with love. That's kind of the point.
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Old 09-03-2011, 10:05 AM
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In some ways, masturbation/porn is just a nice break from that--a sexual release that has nothing to do with love. That's kind of the point.
Well, ipso facto, masturbation involves self love, if you're doing it right. It could also involve love for your partner(s), if you think of them while jilling off.

Personally, I can see a link between porn positivity and being poly (or any other kind of non-mono lovestyle). If you're confident enough to not feel threatened by your partner loving and having sex with another live human being, looking at porn (alone or together) could be seen as an enhancement of one's fully embraced, positive sex life and fantasy life.
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Old 09-03-2011, 10:07 AM
trueRiver trueRiver is offline
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Originally Posted by MichelleZed View Post
I think your wife is making up excuses for why she doesn't like porn. "There's no love involved" seems like a rationalization.

...
I don't think this is at all fair, Michelle. A lot of poly people, and I am one, choose to keep sex to within loving relationships. That is why I choose to identify as poly rather than as a swinger.

I do not use porn, online or on paper, for this reason: I find it directs my mind towards women as bodies rather than women as people, and I prefer to think of my partners as whole people. I do read some romance novels (perhaps unusually, as a man) and find these different, precisely because the sex there is in the context of a loving relationship (whether short term or long term). I think I would enjoy a love film that included very explicit sex scenes: again the issue for me is putting sex into a loving context.

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Originally Posted by Cheesehead100 View Post
What's the polyamory perspective on internet porn? I think it's fun. My wife thinks it's not cool because there's no love involved. Before poly came up, I could understand her issue about porn - because I should be thinking about her and her alone. Now it doesn't seem so clear.
I think you are missing your wife's point here: she is not saying your sexual thoughts should be for her and her alone. (Maybe she was never saying that). What she is saying is that she would prefer it if you chose to keep all your thinking about sex to the context of loving relationships, with her and with others.

That is a point of difference between you as a couple: I am not going to say one of you is right and the other wrong, it is a difference you are going to have to work out between you as two people. Even if there was a poly line on porn, it would not help you as a couple: the issue is that you think about sex in different ways, and how you deal with that difference within your loving relationship.

And finally: to be clear to anyone else who does use porn: I am not saying it is wrong to do so, I am saying that I have made a different choice from you. I would expect a partner to respect my choice, even if they had made a different one.
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Last edited by trueRiver; 09-03-2011 at 10:17 AM. Reason: added response to OP
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Old 09-03-2011, 05:02 PM
MorningTwilight MorningTwilight is offline
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Quote:
Originally Posted by Cheesehead100 View Post
What's the polyamory perspective on internet porn? I think it's fun. My wife thinks it's not cool because there's no love involved. Before poly came up, I could understand her issue about porn - because I should be thinking about her and her alone. Now it doesn't seem so clear.
"Thinking about her and her alone" is, IMHO, ridiculous, but there are other reasons to be leery about internet porn, namely, the ease with which it can become addictive and can mess with your dopamine sensitivity, the same way any other addiction can. See, for example, Porn-Induced Sexual Dysfunction Is a Growing Problem, as well as the lengthy comment thread thereon. Men as young as in their twenties are starting to have ED problems when they are not in front of the computer!

I wouldn't call myself a prude, but I think the author of that article has some very good points to make, in a cautionary way. Far from a moralist, he encourages men to wean themselves from internet porn and have real sex with real women instead.

If nothing else, you'll avoid the "looks like Popeye on one side" problem.
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