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Old 11-26-2009, 01:33 AM
Alexandra Alexandra is offline
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Default Needing some input from experienced people please

Hello

I'm unsettled by the situation that I'm in, and I'm hoping I might get some useful advice from experienced others please.

Briefly: I'm in my mid forties, happy and healthy. I've been in a relationship with my partner L for almost twenty years. We've had our ups and downs, of course, but we're happy and good for each other. I love him dearly, I don't want to be without him.

June this year, I found myself back in touch with my first love, T. To my surprise and delight, I found that I am still in love with him. He has never stopped loving me and hoping that we might one day be reconciled. (However, we've had almost no contact in the intervening years.) We texted and spoke on the phone and eventually we met up. The feelings were incredibly intense and beautiful.

After a couple of months I knew that I didn't want to be without T or L. I approached L and asked if he might consider opening our relationship. We discussed it over several weeks, and eventually he agreed. However, he said that he felt that he didn't really have a choice. He recognises that I am "madly" (his word) in love with T, he is fearful of losing me.

When T asks me "What do you want?" I say "I'm greedy, I want both of you. Why should I have to choose between these two amazing men? Why should I ration the love that is available and offered to me?" T is prepared to share me, to meet L if L wants it, and is generally being generous, open, loving, patient and kind.

L believes that T has an agenda, and is "dishonourable" for "messing with another man's lady". T pointed out (half joking) that since he knew me first and has never stopped loving me, it is in fact L that is the interloper

I feel no remorse or guilt at all, but I do feel the pain that L is experiencing, and I hate that I am causing him pain.

L either can't or won't talk about it. It's become the elephant in the room.

How can I negotiate this, how can I make it easier for L?

Obviously, this is a very brief synopsis and it's all far more interesting and complex than this post allows!
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Old 11-26-2009, 01:36 AM
Alexandra Alexandra is offline
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I should add that I am present, reassuring, loving, attentive, responsive and mindful towards L.
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Old 11-26-2009, 02:08 AM
AutumnalTone AutumnalTone is offline
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I don't know that there's anything you can do unless L decides to discuss the issues. It takes the two of you to negotiate issues, not just one of you. Without him taking an active role in negotiating things...well, there's no negotiating things.

He just may not be able to deal with a poly relationship, even if he's just poly to the extent that he's in a mono pairing with a poly partner. There are no magic words to engage somebody who's just not interested in discussing an issue. It may end up that you have to decide on one or the other.
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Old 11-26-2009, 02:28 AM
Alexandra Alexandra is offline
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By not discussing it with me, he creates an impasse, which is one way to assert control of some sort, I suppose.

It's funny... I always thought he was the more poly-minded of us, but it appears that I may have been wrong in this.

No, I can't seem to find the magic words to enable him to discuss this with me. He seems to think that if he doesn't think about it or talk about it it, it somehow isn't happening. But he is having bad dreams, very clearly about this situation.

One of the things that makes me uncomfortable is that his refusal to engage with the issue somehow forces me to be secretive. And that feels deceiptful. If T phones me, I feel that I have to hide it from L.

Having to choose between them is not something I want. I love L, I don't want to be without him, he makes me happy. But now that T is in my life, I can't imagine being without him either.
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Old 11-26-2009, 05:21 AM
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rolypoly rolypoly is offline
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Maybe L needs time? Maybe a different approach? (Not sure what). I can see how it is difficult to be at a standstill when you're willing and wanting to discuss things, but it takes two to do that...
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Old 11-26-2009, 08:03 AM
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Perhaps if you told L that you are beginning to find a need to go underground with your love and that is not going to work for the long haul then he will sit up and listen. It probably would help if you were to spend time all three of you together. Bottom line is that he needs time and you will have to wait, keep communicating and be patient.

There are many stories on here that are similar to yours... please read as much as you can on here and elsewhere, because you are not alone.
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Old 11-26-2009, 08:04 AM
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MonoVCPHG MonoVCPHG is offline
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Sometimes you just have to make a choice in life. Hopefully you will be able to work through it and all be happy. Happiness may or may not result in being together. Just accept that while loving two may seem natural to you it may be beyond the ability of others. Nothing wrong with that..just life.

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Old 11-26-2009, 03:49 PM
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MonoVCPHG MonoVCPHG is offline
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I hope you don't mind a few direct questions and statements...if so, no need to respond my friend

Quote:
Originally Posted by Alexandra View Post
Hello

June this year, I found myself back in touch with my first love, T. !
How?

Quote:
Originally Posted by Alexandra View Post
He has never stopped loving me and hoping that we might one day be reconciled.

L believes that T has an agenda, and is "dishonourable" for "messing with another man's lady". T pointed out (half joking) that since he knew me first and has never stopped loving me, it is in fact L that is the interloper
I'm a little suspicious myself honestly. "Half joking" anything usually means there is half truth in it. I'd hate to think this guy has a sense of being "obliged" because of your history. That would be disrespect to your husband in my humble secondary opinion.


Quote:
Originally Posted by Alexandra View Post
I feel no remorse or guilt at all
A little New Relationship Energy perhaps?
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  #9  
Old 11-27-2009, 12:43 PM
Alexandra Alexandra is offline
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Quote:
Originally Posted by MonoVCPHG View Post
I hope you don't mind a few direct questions and statements...if so, no need to respond my friend
I'm happy to respond, especially to one so open hearted as yourself It's a great opportunity to explore and understand my own motivations and thinking.


Quote:
Originally Posted by MonoVCPHG View Post
How?
You ask how T and I have re-connected after so many years. I'll start by asking a question of my own: I'm wondering why this is relevant? Especially since magdlyn has also asked the question.

We were together for two years when I was 15-17 and he was 16-18. I broke off with him, but not because I no longer loved him. My life was so different, I was going through some very tough and messy stuff, and my family had moved away from the area.

Over the intervening years, I have often thought of him and occasionally (like maybe three times) I'd phone his family home to send greetings and hear news. I didn't speak to him, only to his mum or dad.

Nine years ago, T phoned me (the only time we actually spoke with each other in the last 30 years). He got my number out of the phone book. We had a long conversation and when we hung up, I felt exactly as I had when we were together as teenagers. There was no gap between us. I was surprised by that, but acknowledged to myself that I was still connected to T, still in love with him. And I went back to my own life, enjoying the sense of love. About a year or two later I phoned his mum to send greetings. And so it went.

This last time I phoned (June) his mum said that the house was on the market and they were about to leave the area. Had I left it another month (and every time I've phoned in the past, I've procrastinated for at least a month), I'd have lost connection with T. (He's not a cyberspace person, no facebook or anything of that sort).

His mum offered to pass my number on to T, and to my surprise he phoned me within the week. It quickly came up in conversation that he had never stopped loving me, and I couldn't help telling him that I too felt love for him.

Because I am accustomed to feeling connected and emotional intimacy with people other than L, I didn't think this would be any different. But of course, somehow, it is. Perhaps because he and I were so in love when we were youngsters? Perhaps because he is not a part of my life with L? I don't know.

At first I thought that was simply hung up on me, hung up on the past and our teenage romance, but it's really more than that, He knows me as I am now, he doesn't expect me or require me to be the teenage me... Indeed, I think the reason we were so connected when we were young is because he was able to see and love the real true inner essence of me when I was just a kid. And to me, he seems just the same as he was then. I don't mean that he seems like a 17 year old, I mean that I love in him now just what it was I loved in him then.





Quote:
Originally Posted by MonoVCPHG View Post
I'm a little suspicious myself honestly. "Half joking" anything usually means there is half truth in it. I'd hate to think this guy has a sense of being "obliged" because of your history. That would be disrespect to your husband in my humble secondary opinion.
Of course, yes. As Freud taught, there is no such thing as a joke... I chided him for it and he excused himself saying "Sorry, that was a Bloke thing" or something similar. Actually, he is very respectful and generous about L. He has never pressured me or made me feel in any way as if L is a difficulty for him. When I ask him about this ability, he says "He's your rock, your root, you love him, you're with him. Loving you is about wanting you to have what you want, what makes you happy, and L makes you happy". He is not greedy or needy about my time, energy or attentions.


And as I have said elsewhere, although L tolerates and allows disrespect from his "girlfriends" towards me, I would not (and do not) accept or tolerate that from my "boyfriends".


Quote:
Originally Posted by MonoVCPHG View Post
A little New Relationship Energy perhaps?

Well of course....! But are you suggesting that I ought to feel remorse and guilt?

I do feel dreadful that I am causing pain for L, but not guilty. I mean that I don't feel that being loved is a thing to feel guilty about. I don't feel that I have done anything wrong. I have not lied or cheated or betrayed. I have been open, I am trying to behave honourably, I am trying to find ways to negotiate new and challenging territory, with respect and love for L and for our relationship.

I think that in a way this whole thing would be far simpler (not easier, certainly, but more simple) if I wasn't in love with L, if I was just ready to end the relationship and move on. But I don't want to leave L, I love him, I love our life, I love to spend time with him.

If anything, I am more aware and more appreciative of the love L and I share now that I have T in my life.
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  #10  
Old 11-27-2009, 05:16 PM
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MonoVCPHG MonoVCPHG is offline
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Quote:
Originally Posted by Alexandra View Post


You ask how T and I have re-connected after so many years. I'll start by asking a question of my own: I'm wondering why this is relevant? Especially since magdlyn has also asked the question.

.
Now that I have heard more about your relationship dynamic it is clear to me that my initial thoughts were not based an accurate assumptions and I apologize for that.

My immediate assumptions based on your original post? You went on line (probably Facebook lol) reconnected with an old flame, started an online affair, needed to justify it or find a way to work it into your life and found poly because it suited your needs.

I had no idea that your relationship invovled very close "friendships" on both your parts. I would not have responded the way I did in light of that info. Sorry for letting my mind run free

Because I am not familiar with this type of dynamic I don't think I know how to give advice in this. RP and friends have a much more worldly view and experience base to draw on.

Peace and Love
Mono
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