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  #1  
Old 09-01-2011, 08:35 PM
lovinhimloviner lovinhimloviner is offline
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Default Changing from Primary to Secondary????

Now that my husband and I are on a good track and things are looking up, one of the things we are discussing is making our OSO our primaries.

Has any of you had experience going from primary to secondary?
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Old 09-01-2011, 08:51 PM
opalescent opalescent is offline
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More information please! It's hard to offer thoughts without a bit more background. No need to go into gory detail - just enough to get a sense of the situation.
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Old 09-01-2011, 09:10 PM
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JuliaGay JuliaGay is offline
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I agree, I need more info. It sounds more to me like you want to move a secondary to a primary position from your description. Thanks!
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Old 09-01-2011, 09:26 PM
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nycindie nycindie is offline
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I agree that what you're asking is a bit vague. Has anything changed (and if so, how?) since you wrote this in another thread:

Quote:
Originally Posted by lovinhimloviner View Post
At my house we have 2 couples. Me and my H are both in relationships with other people. My biggest issue is time spent with my H. H on the other hand does not like the fact that I love someone else too. He understands and tries not to have a double standard but it is still hard on him. When we just had an open relationship and it was just sex he was kind of ok with it. Mainly, I think, because I rarely did anything with someone else. Love on the other hand is harder on him.
Do you all live together?
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Old 09-01-2011, 09:34 PM
lovinhimloviner lovinhimloviner is offline
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Quote:
Originally Posted by nycindie View Post
I agree that what you're asking is a bit vague. Has anything changed (and if so, how?) since you wrote this in another thread:



Do you all live together?
My husband has come to terms with the fact that I love them both. It just took him some time to really see that I wasn't trying to betray him or love my OSO more than him. He has worked hard to figure all of his feelings out and is much happier since he has accepted it.
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Old 09-01-2011, 09:49 PM
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nycindie nycindie is offline
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It sounds, to me, like this is a case where the labels of primary and secondary don't really work for you all. Why not love/support each other on equal terms and stop worrying about the positions you have in each others lives, knowing that there is a place for each other but all on the same level ground? Have you broached this topic to your OSOs? If so, what do they want? The real tricky part to handle, if having all be equal, is any ownership of property and how that will be managed.

Quote:
Originally Posted by lovinhimloviner View Post
This is in large part due to H OSO who packed up what she had at the house and left saying we needed to work out our problems before she went crazy. Since neither one of us wants to lose her from our lives we started working.

One of the options we are talking about is having our OSO be our primaries instead.
Ah, so things are still being resolved and this is your thought process while trying to make it all work. Actually, I would think it will take some deeper work on the underlying issues before you get to this point. The other relationships and how they are managed will not heal your relationship with your husband. The foundation has to be strengthened, then the OSOs will be seen in a more positive light.

I also think some work done together as a group would be very healing. Perhaps all four of you should see a therapist together so things can be brought up about what is/is not working and the air cleared.
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Last edited by nycindie; 09-01-2011 at 10:10 PM.
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Old 09-01-2011, 09:31 PM
lovinhimloviner lovinhimloviner is offline
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My husband and i have been married for 9 years and both have OSO. My OSO lives with us and is mu husbands best friend. His OSO doesn't live with us but it would be nice if she did. She still comes over all of the time just isn't officially living with us. My husband and I have had some troubles (you can read more on my other posts) and have just recently really started to look at what the problems are.

This is in large part due to H OSO who packed up what she had at the house and left saying we needed to work out our problems before she went crazy. Since neither one of us wants to lose her from our lives we started working.

One of the options we are talking about is having our OSO be our primaries instead. Not that we don't both love each other very very much but our OSO are better suited for us.

I am very scared because one of my problems the last few months have been not really knowing what my role is in my husbands life. Now that we are talking about this I really don't know what to do or how to handle it.

I was just wondering if anyone else had gone from primary to secondary in their relationships
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Old 09-16-2011, 03:03 PM
lovinhimloviner lovinhimloviner is offline
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Last night was, amazing! I thought about a lot of what the counselor was telling me, what the people on the forum I read was saying and changed the way I listened to my husband. I put away the bad feelings and tried to remember I am not always right.

When I opened my self up to what he was saying in stead of how he was saying it, I could really hear what he was saying. We talked for a couple of hours while we sat next to the river. Once I started listening and understanding what he was saying he started doing the same thing.

I really feel like we understand where the other is coming from and we both see where we need to work to make things better. I love my husband and I truly want him to be happy. Not just with his OSO but with me too. I want to be happy with him and now we are actually getting somewhere.
The talked ended in a glorious kiss that took our breath away. I can't wait to see what the future holds for us. All of us.
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  #9  
Old 09-16-2011, 04:06 PM
Minxxa Minxxa is offline
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That's really nice!

You know listening is one of the hardest skills to learn. It seems so easy, but trying to listen *without judgement or anger* (as my counselor says) can be tough. Not interrupting, not seeing what they say from your point of view, but theirs... tough stuff! That's so cool that you really worked on doing that.

There are two really great books I've read that are good for opening your eyes to communication issues. One is by Deborah Tannen called "you just don't understand", which is about how men and women talk, hear and communicate differently and how misunderstandings happen so easily.

The other is by Michele Weiner-Davis and it's called "Change your life and everyone in it". The title is kind of stupid, because it's not really about changing someone else. It's about changing yourself (how you act, what you say, etc.) which in turn changes how the other person acts/reacts to you. It's a really valuable read, in my opinion, because it explains and shows how our actions/speech/etc. affect the other person and cause reactions. We have a big part in the interactions we have. Duh, I know, but sometimes I think we need to hear it again, LOL!
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Old 09-16-2011, 04:23 PM
lovinhimloviner lovinhimloviner is offline
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It will make it easier for everyone to be able to tell me what I am doing that bothers them if I don't over react when they tell me. One of my biggest issues was that I am not stupid I know that hubby and his OSO were not happy with me so I kept trying to change who i was with out really knowing what it was that needed changed. I felt like I was changing the rules and myself over and over again trying to make things better but only making them worse.

It is nice that hubby can see things from my point of view too and knows there are things he needs to do to. It doesn't feel all one sided on either side. That makes it easier on everyone because then we aren't defensive all of the time. I want to be able to be friends with my husband again. I really want to be able to be good friends with his OSO too.

I know we will still have our problems, everyone does, but it will be easier to work threw them now. The future doesn't look as bleak now.

Last edited by lovinhimloviner; 09-16-2011 at 04:34 PM.
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