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  #1  
Old 08-22-2011, 08:07 PM
JenAgain JenAgain is offline
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Default Advice for a new/potential secondary

Been a while since I've posted here, tried searching but couldn't find quite what I was looking for, so I'm making a new post.

I recently met an amazing man. It started as flirting, and rapidly progressed. There is huge NRE fog right now, and I'm trying to look through it. Hubby knows about him, he knows about hubby. He feels the same way about me as I do about him, but he's afraid to commit 100% when he knows in a few months (hubby of course is deployed which is so not ideal in this situation), that it will go down to 50%. He's afraid to get in too deep.

He said, and he's right "the fact will always remain that Drew is your husband and him and your family will always come first". I can't argue with that.

How do secondaries handle this? Is there any advice or something to think about i can tell him? He's not a forum person, so he most likely will not come here....I feel like he's looking for answers, and I don't know that there is any except for taking one day at a time.

Thanks
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Old 08-22-2011, 09:08 PM
ladyslipper ladyslipper is offline
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Maybe this would help give him a more concrete frame of reference and something to work from:

http://www.xeromag.com/fvsecondary.html
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  #3  
Old 08-22-2011, 09:16 PM
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nycindie nycindie is offline
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Quote:
Originally Posted by JenAgain View Post
He feels the same way about me as I do about him, but he's afraid to commit 100% when he knows in a few months (hubby of course is deployed which is so not ideal in this situation), that it will go down to 50%. He's afraid to get in too deep.

He said, and he's right "the fact will always remain that Drew is your husband and him and your family will always come first". I can't argue with that.
First of all, when someone commits to a relationship it can only be 100%. There's no such thing as committing halfway. You either do or you don't.

What he would need to reconcile himself with, however, is that he'd be committing 100% toward a relationship that is just not conventional. He would have to understand that you have a husband and children which would limit your time, but not necessarily your ability to love. When he said to you that your hubs and family will always come first, it sounds like a lament. That is troublesome, I think. He may not be able to handle being in a polyamorous situation, and might wind up wishing he could steal you away. You may want to consider just embarking on a FWB arrangement with him, knowing that he is afraid to invest any emotional commitment. And then you just need to be careful and guard your own heart.
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The world opens up... when you do.

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An excellent blog post on hierarchy in polyamory:
solopoly.net/2014/10/31/why-im-not-a-secondary-partner-the-short-version/
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  #4  
Old 08-23-2011, 02:23 AM
JenAgain JenAgain is offline
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Thank you, I'll print out the secondary thing for him, and discuss it more when I see him next. All I can do is offer him the info and go from there...
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  #5  
Old 08-23-2011, 03:26 AM
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AnnabelMore AnnabelMore is offline
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As someone in a secondary relationship with a married woman, having other relationships -- first casual, and now a serious one -- has helped a lot. It doesn't make me miss my gf less when I'm missing her but it does distract me and remind me that I'm my own person and I can build my own life instead of just trying to figure out how to fit better into hers. I'm not saying he should find a relationship just for this reason... perish the thought... but it might be good for him to consciously stay open.
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  #6  
Old 08-23-2011, 03:43 PM
dingedheart dingedheart is offline
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hey Jen,

what happen to the last guy ...other guy ...first guy ... sorry I don't know his designation or his initials ? Did you and your husband get some sort of frame work hammered out before he deployed?
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  #7  
Old 08-23-2011, 06:07 PM
JenAgain JenAgain is offline
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First guy..J.... while hubs was kind of going through the issues of things we backed off.. and his feelings were never as strong as mine were, which I was okay with.. I knew that from the start. Then he got a g/f and she moved in with him in June. He's currently deployed with hubby.

And yes, we did make agreements for how things would work while he was deployed, and I talk to him pretty much every day so we keep up with what's going on.
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  #8  
Old 08-26-2011, 02:53 PM
faraway7 faraway7 is offline
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Quote:
Originally Posted by JenAgain View Post
Been a while since I've posted here, tried searching but couldn't find quite what I was looking for, so I'm making a new post.

I recently met an amazing man. It started as flirting, and rapidly progressed. There is huge NRE fog right now, and I'm trying to look through it. Hubby knows about him, he knows about hubby. He feels the same way about me as I do about him, but he's afraid to commit 100% when he knows in a few months (hubby of course is deployed which is so not ideal in this situation), that it will go down to 50%. He's afraid to get in too deep.

He said, and he's right "the fact will always remain that Drew is your husband and him and your family will always come first". I can't argue with that.

How do secondaries handle this? Is there any advice or something to think about i can tell him? He's not a forum person, so he most likely will not come here....I feel like he's looking for answers, and I don't know that there is any except for taking one day at a time.

Thanks
Hi. Im new to all this. I hope this question does not offend you as its not meant to. but just suppose God forbid anything happened to your hubby while he was deployed, while you were in the company of another man.
wouldnt you feel guilty?
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  #9  
Old 08-26-2011, 03:11 PM
ladyslipper ladyslipper is offline
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Poly is all about removing guilt, shame, etc. from your intimate relationships and relating to eachother person to person with out expecting one relationship to take away from any other relationship. I'm sure some others could expand on this even better than I - I'm new too.
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  #10  
Old 08-26-2011, 03:19 PM
faraway7 faraway7 is offline
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Quote:
Originally Posted by ladyslipper View Post
Poly is all about removing guilt, shame, etc. from your intimate relationships and relating to eachother person to person with out expecting one relationship to take away from any other relationship. I'm sure some others could expand on this even better than I - I'm new too.
Thank you Ladyslipper.
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