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Old 08-20-2011, 06:37 PM
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Default Division in the poly community

When I first came to this forum I thought that the only poly was my own. I remember being floored that some of the activities I had participated in ie. swinging, dating, open relationship, etc. were also called poly by some. In my confusion and frustration I felt "lumped in" to a community that I didn't want to be part of as I was then on the path to achieving my own personal goal of creating poly family.

I was made to realize that others do not wish to be "lumped in" to a community that is more poly fi, poly family orientated. They were, in fact, on the other end of the spectrum to me.... I thought that everyone was striving to be in a poly family and that swinging, open, etc. was the way to get there for most. Naive, I know.... but then we all start in ignorance right?

Someone during that time and in my numerous discussions here and in my own community, told me that there is a divide in the community. One that is sometimes divided by age and stage, but not necessarily. One that is divided between "child free" and those with children. I was told at the time by someone in the then small community here, that the only reason that they hung out with me was because there is no one else to hang out with... that small communities have to manage on their own and those that are in them just kinda have to put up with each other.

What are your thoughts on that? How can we come together? Is it necessary to come together? What kind of negotiations can we start with in order to have a relationship with each other? What do we need to understand about each other in order to be accepting of each others path?
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Old 08-20-2011, 08:30 PM
NeonKaos NeonKaos is offline
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Quote:
What are your thoughts on that? How can we come together? Is it necessary to come together? What kind of negotiations can we start with in order to have a relationship with each other? What do we need to understand about each other in order to be accepting of each others path?


Hm, well I don't identify "as" poly and I have never been one to seek out company based on a commonality such as sexual, gender, or relationship orientation. Even when I go to nudist resorts, I go there because *I* want to be naked, not because I want to be around other people who like to be naked!

I'm not sure if I'm qualified to answer your question(s), but it helps to keep in mind that not everyone wants to "come together" or "have a relationship with each other". I'm fine with people going off and doing their own thing(s) and including or being included by as many or as few people as they choose. I don't think the world has to be one huge love fest. I think there needs to be less coming together and more minding our own business. That's been working for me so far and whether anyone wants to believe it or not, I am quite fulfilled in my personal relationships. But that's just me and I wouldn't dream of forcing my ways upon any happy, positive-thinking people who are reading this.
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Old 08-20-2011, 09:16 PM
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Funny, I was thinking about something similar last night. I had come across the transcript of Tristan Taormino's 2008 keynote address for a poly pride event in NYC. And it had me thinking that I would probably hate going to one of those things. Maybe I would if I had a lot of friends there, but it's not likely even if that were the case. Something like that is just too "manufactured" and conspicuous for me. I was recalling the few poly events I went to and how they didn't thrill me much at all. I remember one guy who started chatting with me by asking how I would feel about being a secondary. Sheesh. What a way to start a conversation and get to know someone.

Like NK, I don't identify as poly; I simply see myself as a human being who just wants to live my life as I see fit, and I truly dislike being seen as representative of any kind of "movement" or category. Certainly, I appreciate the existence of communities in which participants have multi-partner relationships because they will know what the heck I'm talking about if I need to vent, and I'm sure I can be helpful to others just because of my plain ol' relationship/life experience, rather than anything poly. I want to live in the moment and respond to what life brings me, and because of that I don't see the necessity of focusing my socializing or seeking potential lovers to the poly community. I still haven't yet reached the point where I'm juggling several ongoing and committed love relationships in my life, but labeling myself or being part of something more organized doesn't really seem very useful to me.
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Old 08-21-2011, 02:32 PM
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Redpepper, I've noticed a similar divide. Not necessarily in the poly community, but in the world at large, over the family-friendly and the child-free. I know you have lots of questions about how to pull together, and I don't have any answers. Just the observation that in our society, one option is to remain child-free not only as a non-parent but also by avoiding the company of children in all of your activities. Very individualistic, and odd to those of us who live more colletivistic/interdependent lives.
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Old 08-21-2011, 02:38 PM
NeonKaos NeonKaos is offline
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Quote:
Originally Posted by Seasnail View Post
Redpepper, I've noticed a similar divide. Not necessarily in the poly community, but in the world at large, over the family-friendly and the child-free. I know you have lots of questions about how to pull together, and I don't have any answers. Just the observation that in our society, one option is to remain child-free not only as a non-parent but also by avoiding the company of children in all of your activities. Very individualistic, and odd to those of us who live more colletivistic/interdependent lives.
Yes, I have noticed the same thing. People who have children usually cannot wrap their minds around those who don't want any. On the other hand, I never met a single child-free person who thought it was odd that others have decided to go ahead and reproduce.

Funny isn't it how sometimes people who seem so "accepting" in one area of "alternative lifestyle choices" just can't figure out how to apply it to other areas of the same.
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Old 08-21-2011, 03:24 PM
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I recently was informed by two separate couple friends of ours that their weddings would be child free. They didn't want me (or our son, who they adore) to feel bad. My response was, "okay, we weren't planning on bringing him anyway".

I can completely understand our friends who do not want to have children; some of them honestly shouldn't. I do not understand the people who treat those who have children (and those children) as if they have caught some sort of infectious disease.
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Old 08-22-2011, 02:09 PM
AutumnalTone AutumnalTone is offline
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Originally Posted by redpepper View Post
When I first came to this forum I thought that the only poly was my own. I remember being floored that some of the activities I had participated in ie. swinging, dating, open relationship, etc. were also called poly by some.
I find it interesting that people fail to complain that "swinging" and "open" are used to differentiate different forms of nonmonogamy, yet complain when "polyamory" is used to describe yet another form of nonmonogamy. They want all of nonmonogamy described as polyamory, yet don't try to refer to all of nonmonogamy as swinging...illuminates the fact that they have some underlying agenda.

Anyway, I've already weighed in on this on the FB group, so you can pull my statements from there if you wish to continue the discussion here.
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Old 08-22-2011, 06:26 PM
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Quote:
Originally Posted by others
poly vs. open
I'm really rather confused about the difference between the two. Suppose I am seeing more than one person, and everyone involved actively consents and knows about the others. If it was purely about sex, that would be swinging -at least that much seems pretty clear-cut- but what if I have genuine and deeply-felt emotional attachments to more than one of these people?

Is the difference between poly and open when one reaches the point where "I love you" is said?

Perhaps it's topography- like the difference between a mesh network (poly) and a modified star network (open)?



edit: This is doubtless overly simplified, but I made this Venn diagram.


Last edited by SoCalExile; 08-22-2011 at 07:09 PM.
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