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Old 08-17-2011, 10:53 AM
Allstar Allstar is offline
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Default How to deal with jealousy

So here is my main problem. How do I deal with the jealousy? I am new to this, and don't define myself as poly more like a mono open to the idea. My girl has a guy that she met before me. They only see each other about 8 times a year when they are at dance events. They don't try to actively see each other, but if they end up at the same one and have the time they will hook up. She says if she lived in LA she would date him but we live in VA Beach. She says this is what she would want. To have me as a primary here and a distant secondary she sees at dance events. I asked her if she has told him that this might split us up, she just responds with, "He knows you aren't happy about it, but no he doesn't know that is a possibility". I am just not completely sure I can do the poly life yet. I am reading and trying. Just looking for some tips. Right now I have said I don't want to know if they hook up (just burying my head in the sand). I try to stay busy when she is out of town on those trips anyways.

Last edited by Allstar; 08-17-2011 at 10:56 AM.
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Old 08-17-2011, 12:42 PM
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Hi Alistair

Do a tag search for jealousy. There has been a lot written here about it because it is such a common problem in polyamory and even more so in a polymono relationship. My advice is to try and deconstruct it and work out what you're really feeling. Jealousy as a label for emotions can cover so much. Are you insecure for example, that she might develop a more intimate relationship with this guy and it will affect your relationship. Or maybe you are just plain lonely when she is away on her dance trips and you feel the inequity of being alone when she is quite possibly in someone else's arms? Maybe you're upset that she doesn't seem to place much validity on your feelings? You asked for tips and deconstruction of the term "jealousy", as it applies to your relationship, would be my top tip.
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Old 08-18-2011, 05:33 AM
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burying your head in the sand is not the best idea in the long run. Meeting the guy or at least reaching out in another way will put at least half of your anxiety about who he is and what the hell he is doing in her life at ease. This is what I know from being here and from my own life. Chances are he is not a threat and is a great guy... after all your partner has good taste in people she wants to hang out with right

Doing a search in the tags for "jealousy" is a good idea. Jealousy is mostly about fear of the unknown and issues that are unresolved yet... mostly about needs that are not being met. Jealousy is quite often a whole cluster of emotions that can be pulled apart and either rationalized of walked through in order to get to the root of how you feel... often dispelling the feeling.

Or it could be that poly is just not for you and you would prefer a woman that will be with you and you only. If that is the case then move on before it becomes too painful. I know that is hard, but really, in the end, it is for the best all around.
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Old 08-18-2011, 06:51 AM
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One simple thing that helps is coming to this forum. By communicating your anxiety, you are more likely to relieve it. It also helps to know that jealousy is common and that many people can move beyond it. I would say it's a natural response, but some lucky few (like myself, thankfully) don't experience jealousy. In any case, a lot of what you might need is to understand why her actions bother you. It sounds like she's not taking time or intimacy away from you, so there's little that is being denied.

Instead, you might have to look at what your image of how things "should be" versus how things are. Then consider what you are willing to handle and also compare that to how things are. It may be helpful to ask yourself what the worst case scenario would be like and then how likely that scenario is.

Often I see partners who are worried about poly folk because of their mono programming. In mono programming, love is finite. Poly wiring is different. It may help if you understand that poly folk have the capacity to grow their love rather than being limited. Thus, if your fear is based on a lack or loss of love, poly folks generally don't work that way. Loving one person doesn't require a poly thinker to take away love from anywhere else. It's perfectly reasonable that your girl will love you all the same regardless of this other guy. For me, I love and adore my mono all the more because I can talk to her about others and how they are good people and share my worries with her. Having my mono's support is wonderful for helping me be a happy poly, and I don't ever forget how special that is.

Best of luck.
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Old 08-18-2011, 10:28 AM
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Thank you all. This is honestly my first experience with jealousy. It isn't something I have ever experienced in a relationship. I am really trusting when I am with someone, the basic fact at the end of the night I know they are coming home with me keeps me from being jealous. Though now this is still true because it is only when she is gone.

I have met the guy. A couple weeks ago when he was in town teaching. I like the guy. I can't deny that. He is a good dancer, good teacher, and I get along with him. The only problem I have with him is that in the dance community he is known to just sleep around with girls. I have no idea if shares the feelings she does, I would hate to see him hurt her.

I understand the poly thing, I have love for almost everyone I have ever met in my life. This is the part that makes me think I might be able to do this. I also understand dating a mono is a scary thought for people who are poly. I also spoke with her on this last night. All she did was roll over and kiss me then said, "Babe I am falling for you, I want to be with you, you have absolutely nothing to worry about". This made me extremely comfortable and happy. This was prompted after a message I received on here telling about how mono people are not appreciated in the community and that I will probably not have a lot of luck with her or on this board.

On the moving on subject. I have given myself a time line. Right now she defines us as just seeing each other, even though it has been almost 4 months. I am not asking her to give up her other guy. If she does in the long run that will be a decision she comes to. But I will require a decision to be made on us in the relationship factor. I don't want to leave for deployment as the guy she was seeing. I know at that point it will drive me crazy. So I have told myself if that is still how she sees us by then, it will be over.

I really do appreciate the advice. For now I will continue to talk to her, read my books, and read as much as I can on here. Oh ya and tonight is the poly practical out here. So I am excited and nervous about going to that.

Last edited by Allstar; 08-18-2011 at 10:34 AM.
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Old 08-18-2011, 04:55 PM
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Why will it drive you crazy .....Why is important to lock down this title or relationship description before you leave? What about the obvious health risks with this other guy.....him "casually " dancing and bangin his way around the country... or world. ...... you know that athletes foot can be very nasty business.
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Old 08-18-2011, 05:17 PM
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Quote:
Originally Posted by Allstar View Post

On the moving on subject. I have given myself a time line. Right now she defines us as just seeing each other, even though it has been almost 4 months. I am not asking her to give up her other guy. If she does in the long run that will be a decision she comes to. But I will require a decision to be made on us in the relationship factor. I don't want to leave for deployment as the guy she was seeing. I know at that point it will drive me crazy. So I have told myself if that is still how she sees us by then, it will be over.
Have you talked to her about this? She might have a very different definition than you do to "the guy who she is seeing". Also even if she and the other guy do split up being that she is poly there is a good chance that down the line she will meet someone else with whom she connects and she may want to start a relationship with them.
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Old 08-20-2011, 02:22 PM
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Quote:
Originally Posted by Allstar View Post
I don't want to leave for deployment as the guy she was seeing. I know at that point it will drive me crazy. So I have told myself if that is still how she sees us by then, it will be over.*
I am right there with you. Sailing the the seven seas isn't what it used to be. You have to keep your head on a swivel, not off in the clouds, if you want to keep it at all.

Quote:
Originally Posted by Allstar View Post
The only problem I have with him is that in the dance community he is known to just sleep around with girls.
Don't forget the navy's three strikes policy. This could affect your health and your career.
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