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Old 08-16-2011, 07:13 PM
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nouryia nouryia is offline
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Post Anyone else exhausted?

I was reading some online articles and blogs on polyamory as I try to adjust and make my way through. Some of them included some pros/cons lists and the like. Now most of those were of a rather obvious nature but I had a bit of an epiphany when I read this one:

"Under Cons: More processing, more arguments, more hurt feelings, more long talks into the night sorting things out, more sharing, more talking, more planning, more WORK than you could ever have in a monogamous relationship."

Ya know, I'm feeling worn out, tired and down right ready to hibernate lately...and I wasn't sure why. Now I know. I've been working SO hard at easing my husband's insecurities and talking through his jealousy issues. And mine too, I mean, I am a secondary partner to my b/f and it's new to me. I've had to work my head around sharing him as well. Then there's the scheduling for time together with all the mates as well as alone time with each the hubby AND the b/f. All that while maintaining a front for my kids because we're not telling them at this time...I'm pooped.

And another serious mental mind fuck for me, I realized that I don't know how to have a strictly "secondary" relationship. I can't keep things light and fluffy and neatly separated under "primary" and "secondary". I find that I still yearn for more, even when I get to see my b/f 2 or 3 times in a week. Though most weeks it's only 1-2 times max.

I'm not being greedy really... But a part of me always feels slightly empty when I'm home with my original family...and it's becoming harder. I wish the b/f was there with us. And I can't really say it out loud since we're still working on hubby's insecurity ~sigh~.

I think of crazy things like sharing a semi-detached house with my boyfriend and his mates/kids, yet I know how impossibly difficult something like this would be, I'm not stupid.

So my mind's been racing and I'm tired...sure hope this gets easier.
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Old 08-16-2011, 08:27 PM
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Um, do you have a blog you would like me to add this to? Its just that its kinda bloggy ya know?
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Old 08-16-2011, 08:54 PM
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nouryia nouryia is offline
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If by bloggy you mean it's a bit too long, I apologize, I was trying to explain how I was feeling lately and asking for feedback. If you meant that I'm not asking a specific enough question, I thought I was. My intent was not to blog (or I'd go back to LJ).

I was just wondering if the way I've been feeling juggling the various aspects of a new poly life was typical and hoping for some feedback from more seasoned folk. Let me know what kind of posts are forum-ish and I'll try to abide by that in future...Or feel free to move my thread in a more appropriate section, sorry.
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Old 08-18-2011, 05:39 AM
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Quote:
Originally Posted by nouryia View Post
If by bloggy you mean it's a bit too long, I apologize, I was trying to explain how I was feeling lately and asking for feedback. If you meant that I'm not asking a specific enough question, I thought I was. My intent was not to blog (or I'd go back to LJ).

I was just wondering if the way I've been feeling juggling the various aspects of a new poly life was typical and hoping for some feedback from more seasoned folk. Let me know what kind of posts are forum-ish and I'll try to abide by that in future...Or feel free to move my thread in a more appropriate section, sorry.
Ah, there is a question... no biggy, no need to apologize, just thought I would see. carry on.
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Old 08-18-2011, 08:03 AM
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Communication is vital. But... (ready your rotten vegetable throwing arms) sometimes we really should just shut the hell up. *duck*

Seriously though, the impetus is to talk talk talk. However, people also need time. All the comments about "it gets better" should really say "it gets better over time." When we poly folk announce sound grand thing to our partners, sometimes the worst thing tk do is insist on talking about it. "Honey, I brought home a Poseable Goth Doll <tm>, and we're in love! Now let's talk about it in exhaustive detail, I'll tell you my deep emo stuff, and then it's your turn to tear out your own guts."

Really?

We may want to talk it to death, but sometimes Honey needs a chance to process what the heck just happened before he or she goes about the process of emotional self-evisceration. Learning ~to~ talk is important, but the next step is learning how much to talk. Each person has their own capacity for taking in and processing information. Our desire to output may not match our partners' capacities for input. If you overload that system, communication gets garbled.

Instead, fed data at a rate that doesn't overload the input and allow processing time before expecting output. We want that output right away, but we've likely been processing a subject for some time already if we're articulating it for others. Those others are just receiving the data, and they'll need some time like we'd already had.

And don't forget the heart is a muscle. Overtaxing muscles makes them hurt and makes them tired. Sometimes we need to take a break from the constant probing to let the muscles rest. (Bonus points to the leacherous folks who just chuckled at the term "constant probing".) If you have a scab, taking care of it helps it get better, but that doesn't mean constantly picking at it. If you pick at it too much when it's trying to do it's thing, you might leave a scar.

If you're tired, slow down and breathe. Your problems will be there waiting for you tomorrow. Unless your problems just needed some time to process and heal on their own.
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Old 08-18-2011, 05:04 PM
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Sagency: Beautifully said. It IS nice to take a break from all that stuff from time to time. I'm learning slowly how to find peace of mind and heart. Today is a very good day in that respect
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Last edited by nouryia; 08-18-2011 at 05:14 PM.
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Old 08-16-2011, 09:04 PM
TruckerPete TruckerPete is offline
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Yes. Tired. I think the first post of my blog talks about how damn tired I was.

It does get better. How long have you been together?

Also, PM me with where in Ontario you are, if you feel comfy.
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Old 08-16-2011, 09:14 PM
Periwinkle Periwinkle is offline
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Maybe being secondary just isn't for you? You can't really force a relationship any which way, after all. Why do you call yourself secondary?

Good luck with yours and your husband's adjusting to polyamory--I'm in the same boat since I got a boyfriend who's poly.

You're not being greedy, and the housing idea sounds lovely.
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Old 08-16-2011, 09:39 PM
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Hi TruckerPete Hubby and I have known each other 5 years, married for a little over 2 years. I started having "fun" with the boyfriend (who is my hubby's male fwb) almost a year ago. About 6 months into it we realized we fell in love along the way. It's been a year full of growth, changes, wonderful rewards and painful challenges. Glad to hear things can get a bit simpler over time...lol
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Old 08-16-2011, 09:43 PM
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And Periwinkle...I call myself secondary because both b/f and I have mates and families and he and I do not live together. I'm not intent on forcing anything, just going along with the feelings...
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