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Old 08-14-2011, 12:31 PM
Yasuru Yasuru is offline
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Default Seeking advice

First, my background...

I am a 40 year old male, married to a wonderful woman, and I have 2 fantastic kids. I feel like I should be content.

A female friend of mine mentioned the term "polyamorous" to me and it struck a chord. The struggle I am having is that I always believed that ALL guys had issues with monogamy and that it was just something you repressed in order to be a good husband and father.

I have had a relationship with about 25 women (due to a rough childhood, I never was able to really connect with other guys). A good portion of those women I have stayed in touch with as I have had very few bad break ups. Of those exes, there are a couple whom I REALLY miss. I try to meet up with them for lunches and I am hoping to take one to a football game I have tickets for. So, it's not just a sex thing, I just want to spend time with them and be close to them. This is further complicated by the poly friend I have who has already said she loves me and I think I feel the same.

Sorry, if I rambled, but I feel like a confused teen all over again. Is this something that all guys deal with, or am I just wired a little different?

Thanks all
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  #2  
Old 08-14-2011, 12:44 PM
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Magdlyn Magdlyn is offline
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Still being friends with your *25* exes? No, I don't think most guys have to deal with that problem!
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Love withers under constraint; its very essence is liberty. It is compatible neither with envy, jealousy or fear. It is there most pure, perfect and unlimited when its votaries live in confidence, equality and unreserve. -- Shelley

There's no lying in polyamory!

I'm a 58 year old woman with 2 partners:
miss pixi, my live-in gf, 36 (together since Jan '09)
Ginger, bf, 61, married, lives nearby (together since Jan '12)
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Old 08-14-2011, 12:58 PM
Yasuru Yasuru is offline
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Let me clarify a bit... I am facebook "friends" with about a dozen and we chat occasionally. But there are 2 that I feel like I am still in love with. That's the part I'm having trouble reconciling.
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Old 08-14-2011, 01:22 PM
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Magdlyn Magdlyn is offline
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Well, guys or gals, doesnt matter. I think it is quite common to "carry a torch" for exes sometimes, especially if you only broke up because of circumstances, such as one moving away, and not because of irreconcilable differences.

Is you wife fine with you going out on one on one dates with the 2 local exes? Would she be fine with you resuming intimacy with them, or being sexual with your newer poly friend? That's where being poly comes into the mix.

How old are your kids? Do they still need a lot of care? How much time do you have, really, for nurturing your kids, and your wife, as well as pursuing other women?
__________________
Love withers under constraint; its very essence is liberty. It is compatible neither with envy, jealousy or fear. It is there most pure, perfect and unlimited when its votaries live in confidence, equality and unreserve. -- Shelley

There's no lying in polyamory!

I'm a 58 year old woman with 2 partners:
miss pixi, my live-in gf, 36 (together since Jan '09)
Ginger, bf, 61, married, lives nearby (together since Jan '12)
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  #5  
Old 08-14-2011, 02:19 PM
Yasuru Yasuru is offline
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I absolutely do not have time for another significant relationship. I also do not know how my wife would take it, but my guess is not well.

But, I am also not willing or, I believe able, to never see them again.
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Old 08-14-2011, 03:01 PM
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Magdlyn Magdlyn is offline
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Well, are these 2 exes married/partnered? How about double dating with them and their SOs? Have you even told your wife you'd like to see these women face to face again? Does she know youre msging w them on FB, or is it all clandestine?
__________________
Love withers under constraint; its very essence is liberty. It is compatible neither with envy, jealousy or fear. It is there most pure, perfect and unlimited when its votaries live in confidence, equality and unreserve. -- Shelley

There's no lying in polyamory!

I'm a 58 year old woman with 2 partners:
miss pixi, my live-in gf, 36 (together since Jan '09)
Ginger, bf, 61, married, lives nearby (together since Jan '12)
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  #7  
Old 08-18-2011, 08:41 AM
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sagency sagency is offline
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Yasuru, it seems like your wiring might be different. The good advice to talk to your wife is the first step in learning how to live with that untraditional wiring. Recognize that identifying as poly (even if only to yourself and the wife) takes some adjustment. One of the hardest for her is likely going to be understanding what polyamory is and why it's not cheating (cheating is a mono concept thanks to the one person / all else is cheats mentality). One of the hardest for you is likely trusting the wife enough to open up and admit your feelings.

There is a stubbling block right between thise two points. When you reach out and tell her about your poly thoughts, you're likely to feel a sense of relief. At the same time, your wife just got what may be unexpected news (or may not be, and you're already making progress). That news will be heavy at a time when you might suddenly feel light. Be careful to be mindful of her reactions and needs.

I know that I feel nervous whenever I talk about a new interest with my mono (wife, mother of child). We've been together almost 5 years, and I've been "out" the whole time, but I still get nervous. Just this week she was comforting me because I was sad over something in a poly situation was not being the way I'd like it to be. You at least can point to the fact you've brought this to her before consumating anything. You may even find that your feelings are not news to her (K seems to know as soon as I do if an interest develops--sometimes it seems before I do).
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