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Old 08-08-2011, 08:58 AM
Khas Khas is offline
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Default A matter of perspectives.

So, not long ago, my wife (justlost, here) posted her perspective on our story. She requested to me that I, in turn, post my side of the story, as it were. Here, I'll try to do that. Forgive me if I'm a little rambling while I try to do this - it tends to take me a little while to form full, coherent thoughts (and, while this is pretty new to us, a lot happened to lead me to this point).

She posted a lot of the relevant facts in her story, but I'll sum up here. As implied by the title, what is relevant to my perspective diverges a bit from hers... fair warning - this is going to be a long post.

To try and explain how I got here, I probably have to start at the beginning. My parents were reformed hippies, and while I don't remember anything particularly 'open' about their relationship, it is relevant in that I was always raised to try and figure things out for myself.

My first real memories related to my parents relationship really are pretty negative - there were some pretty nasty fights leading to a divorce, and many of those were in front of my brother and I. This was probably my first clue that their model was broken,and when I got a bit older, I learned that the divorce was a result of my father getting involved in a relationship with another woman. Classic failure of the monogamous ltr, it now seems to me.

Fast forward a few years, and I'm in high school, and my first significant relationship. Somehow, I got involved with a pair of girls - first one,then her close friend, though the first remained somewhat involved, and there were a few times where things probably could have shifted to a triad type situation, if I weren't at that point stuck on trying to make the 'one boy, one girl' model work. C'est le vie, I was young and hadn't yet figured out that such a situation could have been very fulfilling.

That relationship ended shortly after high school, and I had a stint in the service (where I learned that I didn't enjoy sex without meaningful emotional connection) , and after that a series of failed relationships post service, including one m-f-m triad situation, which collapsed because of honesty issues (she couldn't be straightforward with what was going on, and I later found out he was a diagnosed pathological liar - not exactly the basis for a honest, trusting relationship) .

I was in my mid 20s when I met JL. She and I were in similar social circles, friends talked us into getting to know one another. By that point, I had already pretty much given up on committed relationships, which, if I recall, was one of the initial hurdles to our early relationship. We worked through that, and I, fully enveloped in NRE, decided I could make a committed monogamous relationship work.

For 10 years of marriage, now, I have. A single event - a threesome with my wife and a close mutual friend, B, which ultimately didn't happen because my wife got uncomfortable with it at almost the last minute - was the closest I've come in something like 13 years to being unfaithful to her.

That almost threesome, which was about 10 years ago, was a key factor in a significant lull in that friendship. Of course, it wasn't really the only one, and I suspect that it would have picked back up after the awkwardness wore off, if we hadn't moved out of town while emotions were still pretty high.

Through a matter of strange coincidences, 10 years later, we found ourselves living in the same town as B, but 1500 miles away from where we started. When JL found out B was in the same town she renewed the friendship, and asked me if I had any intention of pushing for what once was.

This is the morally grey area, for me. I probably should have rightly said that it was far to early to tell that truly. Instead, because of a lot of stressors at work, and some tension in our personal relationship, I stated that I didn't - an honest evaluation of my immediate feeling, but lacking full consideration of what may be.

So, for a few months, this went along OK. JL spent time with B, and I mostly avoided the situation. Then, life as life happened, and JL's relationship with B deepened, it became difficult to strictly avoid increased contact with B. I was trying to maintain limits, but JL noticed something in my interactions with B, and asked me if I was starting to develop feelings for B. Given my natural inclination for truth, I spent some time considering and realized that yes, feelings were emerging. I hadn't really been considering the possibility before, so this discovery actually came as news to both of us.

Her immediate response was 'what does that mean?'

This took some to consider, and ultimated I answered her with the most complete answer I could - it means that I'd like to explore the possibility of having B become a closer part of our relationship.

JL, being the incredibly amazing wife and friend that she is, tentatively blessed the idea, provided we take time and let things happen as everyone becomes comfortable with the changes.

We are now in the learning and accepting phase. I discovered this website, and realized there was a name for what I was feeling, that I wasn't broken or wrong in my goals.

JL has spoken with B a few times regarding the possibility, and B was open to explore the concept. At the same time, JL has gone through the 'this is wrong, this can never work, maybe this is ok' cycle numerous times since then.

I've agreed to take time with this, and this is also B's preference, and ive come to accept that there is a real possibility that letting this proceed could ultimately mean the end of our relationship.

Could add a lot more, but I think this covers the basics. Further, its late, and I want to get at least a little rest before work. I'll add more as it comes up, but hope this gives a high level overview of the present situation.

Thanks for reading this, and once again I apologize for the very long post.

Khas.
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Old 08-09-2011, 03:07 AM
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SourGirl SourGirl is offline
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One thing I can tell you ,( that I have come to find in any opening of a relationship )..is that those highs and lows are going to happen, and that they are ok.

As long as the spouse is talking, and being honest and open, that is the best place to be.

So if they talk when they feel good,...great.
If they cry and spill out their fears ...also great.

When people shutdown, that is when problems happen.

I am talking specifically about spouses here, ftr of anyone reading.

I have watched as much damage happen, during 'highs' when spouses stop talking ( They get far to consumed with the new partner, forget to keep embracing the old partner.)...as I have when people get scared and shutdown.

So on that note..I think its great, that your wife is able to communicate both her scared moments to you, as well as her 'ok' moments.
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Old 08-10-2011, 01:05 AM
Khas Khas is offline
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Default Talking....

Yes. The one thing I'm completely clear on is that communication is paramount. Open, honest, clear communication.

That much is definitely in our favor. We aren't always great at talking, but we both keep trying, and we both keep trying to get better at it.
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Old 08-12-2011, 04:23 AM
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justlost justlost is offline
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trying to get better at it is probably the absolute best thing we can do!
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Old 08-18-2011, 02:19 PM
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Karma Karma is offline
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Yup. Communication can NOT be overstated in importance, and it goes hand in hand with honesty. So far, I think you're both doing it right

Something I just recently discovered with Mohegan he hard way - communication is not like riding a bike, in that you have to CONSTANTLY work at it and put effort into it, or you start to suck at it. Even when things are going good, even when communication is going good, you still have to put that effort into making sure that it happens.
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Old 08-18-2011, 03:50 PM
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SNeacail SNeacail is offline
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Quote:
Originally Posted by karma View Post
communication is not like riding a bike, in that you have to constantly work at it and put effort into it, or you start to suck at it.
amen!
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Old 08-21-2011, 09:37 PM
Khas Khas is offline
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Had an interesting discussion with Lost today. We were talking about what I'm attracted to, and it occurred to me that, while I may be poly, or polyfi, or somewhere in that spectrum, I'm either not overly confident with it, or I'm just likely to have a pretty limited pool of potential relationships. Its not that I question whether I am capable of loving more than one at a time - but more significantly, there are some pretty significant criteria that an interest has to meet before I can allow myself to become attracted.

Specifically, I have found that, unless a woman knows, and, significantly, cares about, my wife, they basically don't show up on my radar. I can be friendly with them, sure, but I seem to have some odd wiring which stops me at that threshold. I meet plenty of women who are attractive, and I've come across a few who seemed fairly interested in me, but I've never had any stronger feelings until I've seen them interact with my wife, and know that things are ok there.

In looking at it, I wonder if it was because of relationships I was in when I was younger, where my partner had an OSO who knew, but could care less about, me, or if maybe its a sign of some other insecurities or something I should be concerned about.

Its not something anyone is asking of me - in some ways, I think my wife would prefer it not to be the case - but to me, it feels like a personal boundary, and a matter of respect for someone who would, at the least, be a metamour. Its also probably quite a lot of ask of someone who would potentially be entering into a new relationship.
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